crankin'

1 paper down.
1 whopper of a paper to go. probably 6-8 pages left on it.

then it's nothing but felicity reruns, beer, video games, four square and really any other kind of trouble that i can come up with. besides the trouble that i've already come up with.

having a beer with dane at school after he finished his comprehensive exams.
a few days later, smoking cigarillos with dan at school and looking surly for no good reason

probably building this girl more sofa forts in a few days. because what's better than a good sofa fort? let me tell you: not much.

Happy Easter!

He is risen!

Slightly sacreligious, but also nicely brings together the bunny and candy thing with the Jesus thing.

i'm beginning to see the light...

still working away at papers. i think i've got a handle on them now, which is better than how i felt about them earlier this week. still a ways to go, but it now seems doable.

it's kind of lame to be in the middle of all this stuff during holy week. i haven't set aside any time to really think about this week and what it means.

i do write about easter in my paper though. humor has the power to be subversive. many times what we laugh at is something incongruous, something that sets the normal order of life upside down. and what set the powers that be more upside down, what could be more incongruous than the fact that jesus rose again? when i saw the movie the passion, and the camera panned on to jesus' face as the stone rolled away and the light flowed in, i wanted him to laugh. i thought, at that moment, the laughter of joy, of relief was more appropriate there than at any other point in time ever. easter is a joyful time. laughter and humor has its place in it.

i did drag myself out of bed on thursday morning to go to a maundy thursday service at school. 6:30 in the a.m. i was asked to help serve communion (my second time, after doing it at chapel - i'm getting to be an expert). and who did i serve communion with? none other than j.i. packer, esteemed theologian and author of knowing god. i know that all who approach the table are equal, but holy cow man, that's ji packer standing next to me holding the bread, and i was holding the wine. it was kind of cool. all the more amusing since my friends and i had all started reading knowing god in college and as far as i know, we're all still reading it. yeah, it's been going on like 8 years now.

more thoughts on serving communion itself later. like real ones, not groupie ones.

wrapping up

last chapel of the school term was today. and, barring some bizarre circumstance (like me suddenly deciding to do a ThM degree... the horror!) it's the last chapel for me as a student. still working through the feelings and thoughts about this transition.

i think about the people i have been so blessed to know during my time here. i feel like we are comrades-in-arms. veterans seasoned by battles of the academic, spiritual, and relational. perhaps many feel this way after pursuing advanced degrees. who came up with this academic system anyway? probably some crazy dead greek guy. but for this particular time, particular place, i am glad for the particular others who were with old particular me.

yep. being mushy. it's been coming out more as i realize that the "lasts" are passing. last chapel. last soup. last blasted et cetera issue. last whatever. even in the middle of the last papers that JUST WON"T DIE, i am trying to enjoy and appreciate these things. even the DAMN PAPERS themselves.

just wait until after tuesday. then the real fun begins. gotta love the short times of little to no responsiblity.
more sentimentality later.

still in it

come tuesday of next week, hell or high water, i will be finished with school. between me and that blessed long-awaited day stand 2 research papers and a personal essay. in all of my academic years, i have never quite figured out how to write 2 papers at the same time. some prioritizing is necessary. of course if i were able to write papers early, then i wouldn't have gotten into this predicament. coulda, shoulda, woulda. whatever.

the reading went really well. better than i thought it would have. but in my neurotic mind i imagined that all of my jokes would have fallen with a thud. seriously, how have i gotten by in life without driving myself completely insane? fortunately i have surrounded myself with people who are endlessly encouraging and think i'm hilarious. i was surprisingly calm the whole day of the reading. i didn't get nervous until lara and sienna and i drove to school. then i wanted to hide. i couldn't take people staring at me or asking if i was ready. so i hid behind the stairwell until maxine waved me over.

i sat in the chair before the microphone said a few things (this was the part that worried me the most actually). then i started to read. and it was really fun. people laughed loud and long. hearing them laugh felt as warm as the afternoon sun that came streaming through the windows.

if anything, this reading and this project has been another affirmation of how i write, and how i see the world. and that is no small thing.

"And the day came when the the risk [it took] to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

and for my next trick...

a little retail therapy at the book sale. this here's my summer reading. really looking forward to reading extensively for pleasure.

my reading is in 3 days. i am calm about it, mostly because i have done very little prep as of yet. i can't really bring myself to do the final edits. or to think through the order of my reading, what i'd like to say there, and so on. i mean, i'll do it by tomorrow afternoon, but only because i'm meeting with my advisor and i've learned to be prepared for her. what's the deal with my reluctance? well, i'll tell you.

i've worked three years for this. and very intensely over the past 4 months. it's been a monkey on my back, the thing that has ruled my life. on one hand i'm ready to be done with it and not look at it again for a while because i'm so sick of looking at the same words. on the other hand, i don't really want to let go of it yet, for the same reasons - it's been such a familiar influence on my thoughts and my days. i have loved writing, have always loved it. so i'm dragging my feet. i don't want to let go because the inevitable, inescapable question arises "what next?" and i don't have the foggiest idea. so stop asking me.

of more immediate concern is that i'm about to read my intensely personal writing, in my very own voice in front of my peers. i don't do that very often. at least on the blog or on paper, there's some distance between me and the reader. like throwing a grenade or something. this time i'm holding it - or something. the metaphor breaks down pretty easily. and no matter how many times i do it, it still makes me ulcerous. of course there are worse places i could do this - say, in front of strangers. i am thankful to have the chance to share this with many friends and the community that has supported, challenged and changed me. it'll be a good time of celebration and joy. that makes me happy.

there will always be stories to tell.

suck it up

goodness. trying to dredge some energy for the final push in the last few weeks of school. it's big week this week, with my reading, which alternately excites and nauseates me. then a few papers and that's it. i'll have done what i came to regent to do. crazy.
a bittersweet time. definitely have a sense of accomplishment and am so grateful for those who have supported me on the way. also sad to leave this community. though some days i am a lot more ready to get the heck out. and of course, i have no idea what i am moving on to. the calendar is blank after may 1.
i hate change.

Yikes.

hey world, check me out.

spring has sprung

the last few days have been blissfully unacademic. one could get used to this kind of life.

1000 words

my moment of surreality

Yesterday, Sienna wouldn't eat the homemade baby food her mom made her. However, she will eat the store bought food with gusto, as you can see pictured here.

In an effort to convince Sienna of the quality of her personal brand of baby food, and inspire her to imitate her oh-so-cool auntie audrey, i sampled some pureed pears. lara even fed me some with a plastic baby spoon. i made 'mmm... good!" sounds.

sienna was unconvinced.

we are so weird.

it's go time

meeting with my advisor tomorrow. i'm bringing a draft of all my work with me.

yikes.

surprisingly, i feel okay about it.
i could also be seriously deluded.
but hey, at least i'm having a good time.

bleah

i borrowed 10 books about the philosophy of humor, the comic vision of the bible and so on last friday.

i haven't felt more unfunny in my life.

one muse for sale. slighty used.

looking for new improved muse that works well under pressure. sense of humor a plus. work ethic required.

rest

yesterday i got to hang out with sienna for the afternoon. always a privilege, never a chore. lara took the opportunity to get some of her own chores done.

we played with her toys and sat on my bed and looked out the window. she fell asleep when i was holding her. not wanting to wake her up, i gingerly lay down and she continued to sleep. it felt like it was the first time i sat still all semester. not just sitting still, but my anxious thoughts were stilled also. it was the favorite part of my day, maybe the whole week.

the artistic process

when the muse says, "no, not today." she really means it. don't piss her off.

roller coaster

my moods change so quickly these days.
i wonder if i am
a) crazy.
or
b) getting better at being more aware of my feelings.

hm. i think it's both.

sore from my head to my toes.

my head hurts.
my whole body hurts actually.
for once, the ache is not from my studies, but from frisbee. at least it's a nice change of pace.

if you don't stop and look around, you might miss it

lots of life is happening right now. it's good; it's just that none of it is particularly easy to handle.

yesterday i was at the burger place across the street from my school. i was starving and stressed out. i wanted to escape the four walls of my school prison for a little while. i sat in the window soaking in the sun and tried to relax as i waited for my burger.

the two women at the next table weren't of the usual university/working crowd that populated the joint. they were older. the larger woman was wearing a huge pair of glasses, and an unflattering polyester maroon dress. her hair was pulled back in a severe bun. the other woman was in sweatpants and a windbreaker. her hair hung limply around her face. she had bright purple eyeshadow on, and had penciled on some crazy eyebrows. i thought, "how can people dress themselves like this? ugh." half the time i see awkward people my heart breaks for them and the other half of the time, i treat them with scorn. maybe it's more like 60-40. or 30-70.

i returned to my own troubled thoughts and spread out my papers across the table. i was exhausted and my head was so full of stuff though that i couldn't concentrate on the words. i mainly just stared out the window, brow furrowed.

when i retrieved my order and sat down to eat, i saw that the maroon lady was also looking out the window. her friend looked at her concernedly. "are you crying?" she continued to stare out the window. tears trickled out from under her glasses. i turned away, not wanting to eavesdrop. suddenly, my problems seemed smaller.

i finished my burger and stood up. i steeled myself to re-enter the fray of life. as i passed their table, the eyebrow lady looked up at me and touched my arm. "i just wanted to say 'good luck' to you."
"what?" i asked, startled.
"good luck on your school assignment. you look so worried." she smiled.
"oh... well, thank you!" i really meant it.

humbling. grace and peace come from unlikely places. can i keep my heart open to receive it when it is offered?

sigh

this morning when i left for school it was snowing.
then it rained for a while.
then the sun came out in the afternoon.
then it hailed about 20 minutes ago.
now it's raining again.

for my thoughts on this, see previous post.
kind of wishing to be somewhere besides here.

a small demand

it needs to be spring. now.

geek alert

i have taken to playing online literati, a scrabble-type word game with my youngest brother david.
he's beaten me everytime so far, which is galling because 1) i hate losing 2) i'm pretty good at word games.
it's really pissing me off.

it's almost as bad as the christmas when he and i played super mario tennis on the nintendo 64 for three days and he beat me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

that still makes me mad.

special

this post is dedicated to loyal and heretofore unknown blog reader gordon tisher. hi gordon!

your wife andrea is really cool.

any other readers want to make themselves known? i'll be nice to you.

and another thing i like about vancouver is...

ultimate frisbee.

i learned how to play ultimate frisbee up here in vancouver. three years now of playing on an intramural team for regent against other ubc students. they are younger and faster and sometimes really hungover but still faster (i hate it when that happens).

i could barely throw a frisbee when i started. and i'm still kind of shaky at it, but it's been really fun to learn. and when it's not snowing, but a sunny afternoon, i could play it forever. i can catch though, and am perfectly willing to sacrifice my body on the hard ground going after the disc.

we won today. i got muddied up good and i like that.

things i like in vancouver

well, seeing as how i might not be a resident of vancouver for much longer, i thought i'd reflect on some things i have appreciated about this place that has been my home. we'll see if i make this a regular thing.

I appreciate the vancouver public transit.

i know, "public" and "transit" are practically dirty words in american vocabulary. at the very least they are associated with those poor saps who can't afford cars. this is especially true in california. i practically lived in my car there.

anyway, flashback to my first days as a resident of canada (if you've been watching as much veronica mars as i have, this is where we'd cue a flashy effect and everything would be backlight in a hazy blue light. veronica mars rocks. cue catchy theme music too while were at it.) back to the story. i'm fresh-faced and excited about my new digs. it's the second day of orientation and i am psyched to be at regent. after finishing my business at the bank, i walk out the door to the bus stop. a bus pulls up right away, while i am still about 30 feet away (or 18 meters. conversion is probably incorrect) i'm walking towards the bus, so i start to pick up the pace because i figure it would be rude to make them wait as i saunter up. as i break into an easy jog (so as to not appear overly anxious) i take two steps and trip on the uneven sidewalk by the roots of this tree.

i didn't just fall. I was in the midst of picking up my momentum so i went ass over tea kettle (or head over heels, whichever you prefer). and ended up in a sitting position somehow. i fell pretty hard. and in full view of most of the people on the bus. shaken, but not stirred, i stood up quickly and stepped onto the bus, flashing my bus pass. the bus driver asked, "are you okay?" i was mostly embarrassed, and I mumbled something about being more awake. I looked down at my right hand and saw that it was gashed up pretty good. "oops." i mumbled. i hadn't even felt it until i saw it.

i started to move to find a seat, but then the bus driver pulled out his backpack from behind the chair and unzipped a pocket. he pulled out a bandaid and an alcohol wipe. I started to thank him and held out my hand to take them from him. but he tore open the wipe and asked to see my hand. he examined my hand and began to gingerly swab it, removing the gravel bits in my cut. i started to protest, as the passengers are just sitting there staring at me in silence. but he ignored me, and the fact that during this time 2 following buses had stopped and already pulled away. embarrassed by his kindness, and the many staring eyes, i shyly called out "sorry," to the rest of the bus. no response.

after a final push of pressure on the bleeding, the driver went on to put the bandaid for me. most of this transaction had taken place in silence. i thanked him again and sat down. and we drove to school.

i can't think of any other places that this would occur. certainly not in the places that i've lived before. i think it was a way for me to learn that i was in a good place.

reading week

reading week: it's never long enough.
work: it's always too much.

chickenfoot

before you keep reading you should know that there aren't any pictures of sienna in this post. both of her genetic contributors are in it though.

if you're wondering about the title, it's a dominoes term. say it with a tone of disgust, such as "OOOOH! Chickenfoot!" played an "old man" type of game the other night with housemates and friends. it was fun.

what makes everything more fun? crazy hats.
victory is made sweeter for lara in this furry mad bomber hat.
(these are my hats by the way. i own a lot of useless crap just for times like this)
(a christmas gift from my brother. apparently he thinks i live in the yukon)

jeff kelley: husband. father. patriot.
seen here singing "proud to be an american."
(this hat was from a gift exchange with my cousins. in case you can't see it, that's an eagle and american flag on the beanie. it was bought at a liquor store)

how many babies can you fit in a tote bag?

answer: one. and it's pretty darn cute when you do.

here's one with lara, sienna's mom. it was her idea to do this.


this brings the kelley family photo count to:
sienna: 9
lara: 2
jeff: 2

i realize that i run the danger of only putting pictures of sienna here on the blog. it's hard to resist. plus i'm a total cheeseball.

baby, it's cold outside

yeah, definitely saw little snowflakes coming down while we played ultimate frisbee yesterday. my hands were so numb that i couldn't get them to work so i could put my hair into ponytails. we lost both games. bummer. but it was the first frisbee we'd played since last november. i like to play in the mud though. the cold, not so much.

that's just wrong.

on other fronts, it is reading break. i am amazed that i've made it this far into the semester. even while i am inundated with work, and my motivation/stamina wanes, i am wondering how to "finish well" at regent. the summer school brochures came out last week, and it was odd not to be picking out classes from it. in fact, i haven't even looked the thing over. it took me a while to become a student again, and now i am going to have to figure out how to be a regular person again soon. i have mixed feelings about this.

of course, i still have to graduate first, and there are many miles to go before i sleep.

on a personal level, i am wondering how to do the same thing with the relationships i have formed here. i have been mulling this over since the semester has begun and i have few answers. time is a fleeting thing. and i really hate goodbyes. sigh.

turtle fever

it's catching on everywhere. or at least its being forced on to children who have no way of defending themselves. someday she'll thank me.

turtle power

boys that are friends

this is my buddy dave. it was his 25th birthday yesterday. he sure is friendly looking, isn't he?

but get a few drinks in him and he likes to fight large animals.

this is steve and dave. it wasn't either of their birthdays but i didn't want them to feel left out. plus, singing in a piano bar to a room full off people ignoring them is what they like to do when they've had a few drinks in them. classic.

fatter-day night fever

Lisa: How do you feel? What's inside you right now?
Nelson: Guts... and black stuff... and about fifty Slim Jims.

the binging continues.
with lara and jeff, we consumed 36 hot wings of varying flavors, a "mighty" order of fries, a deep fried snickers bar, 3 nectarine ciders, a beer and salad (you know, because we're watching what we eat). community at its finest.
i'm going to pass out now.

mmmm... sleep

saw this poem quoted in an article by Lauren Winner, concerning sleep.

I don't like the man who doesn't sleep,
says God.
Sleep is the friend of man,
Sleep is the friend of God.
Sleep is perhaps the most beautiful thing
I have created.
And I myself rested on the seventh day. …
But they tell me that there are men
Who work well and sleep badly.
Who don't sleep. What a lack of
confidence in me.
- Charles Peguy, French poet

For the full article, which was eerily appropriate to my life at the moment, click here.

in deep...

i thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday. i blathered on about how i was this close to getting the assault rifle out, and actually told al (our custodian) "don't worry al, i'll kill you last." clearly delusional. because he is a wise man, al just laughed and gave me a hug. he is also bringing me a batch of his wife's cookies because of his own delusion that the seattle seahawks would win the super bowl.

if you ever want to know how long my attention span is for intense single-minded creativity before i start to lose my mind, it is approximately 1.5 months. i think i am now beginning to understand how one suffers for one's art. and also the statement that writing is easy, all you have to do is sit down and open a vein.

i haven't been sleeping, or eating well. i haven't seen anyone besides my housemates, really, lately. i've been writing or reading or writing or trying to sleep but staring at the ceiling, and writing. it makes for a weird kind of life. and it seemed to come to a head yesterday after being sick and finally tackling some harder things for me to write about. there are always tell-tale signs, that i was running myself into the ground. i was just choosing to ignore them until i had run myself into the ground.

luckily, or providentially, i have an observant and caring friend who made sure i ate a good meal (red burrito: 7 of 10 stars), bought me gelato and beer (consumed seperately), and made me go to sleep at 10:15 last night, whether i liked it or not. weird to realize how hard it is to let another person take care of me - i was too tired to put up any fight. an enforced sabbath evening. why, i almost feel like a human being again! instead of a remorseless killing machine.

the most funny part of the evening was getting gelato. upon discovering that they only took cash, i was left standing there with two large gelato cones while sara dashed home to get money. i sat in the window and morosely ate my frutti di bosco, even that activity was exhausting to me. i didn't realize how ridiculous i looked until this stranger asked me if i was hungry. it felt good to laugh.

it's back to the grindstone. but with a better perspective this time. and more awareness of when i'm lagging. and with greater appreciation of rest.

because i have nothing better to do...

see the worst thing about not being able to sleep is that it's just freaking boring.

so, here's 720 - another game that i loved when i was a kid that took away many of my quarters.
SKATE OR DIE! seriously, a swarm of bees that would come kill you? come on.

awake... sort of

apparently, some of the symptoms of my semi-illness are:
shortened attention span - have been unable to focus on studies.
mild narcolepsy - i slept from 6-9 pm this evening.

now i am wide awake, ridden with guilt and worry over school work. well not ridden. maybe semi-worried. or something. ugh. i hate feeling this way.

someone hit me over the head with something, please.

that is all.

sunday night, it's all right

feeling a cold or some kind of illness coming on. trying to fight it off. i think vitamin c is coming out of my pores.

i'm starting to forget what it's like to be with large groups of people. such is thesis mode. although i was walking home from school, after meeting with my advisor. as i thought over the meeting and the writing pieces we were working on, i was cracking myself up. that's a very good thing.

just a few more essays left! gotta dig deep to find the motivation and creativity.

one more video game nostalgia tidbit:
up up down down a b b a = 30 lives

correction:
up up down down left right left right a b b a = 30 lives

thanks alex.

game nostalgia

gauntlet, the game i was talking about yesterday.

on going bonkers...

1. yesterday i was so tired that when i went to check out some books and handed the librarian my bus pass instead of library card.

2. today, i caught myself humming "baby baby" by amy grant. I should be shot for this musical transgression.

audrey needs rest badly. (to be said in same tone as in 80s video game gauntlet, when the game says "warrior/elf/wizard/valkyrie needs food badly" that was one of the dumber games out there in that you LOST health points for fighting the baddies. but there was no way not to fight them. but a sure way to keep us kids feeding the quarters in. i feel so betrayed)

sigh...

i saw the sun yesterday and today.

life is good.

this is all i see...

waking or dreaming.


hello, thesis? you're kicking my ass. please stop.

super bowl

took 2 days off that i probably shouldn't have to go to seattle, hang out with old friends and watch the super bowl.

i'll be paying for it, but it was SO worth it.

a few of my favorite things...

favorite thing # 23:
hoodies. it's right up there with brothers.
here's me and one of the bros. we're tough. oh yes, we're tough.

where i am right now...

but just imagine that the tunnel is way longer. like really really long. like the chunnel long. and the light isn't so bright. or that i can see the light at all right now.
because ...
metaphorically: i am up to my eyeballs in thesis writing (nothing kills creativity or humor like anxiety can. unless i were to actually be killed somehow)
literally: i live in vancouver. and it was rainy and windy and cold and generally nasty today. blech.

muzak

song that always puts me in a good mood: mmmbop by hanson. that's 3 m's.
inexplicable, yes.

"in an mmmbop, you're gone..."

“The page is jealous and tyrannical; the page is made of time and matter; the page always wins.” annie dillard, the writing life

i'll sleep when i'm dead

in a general state of overdrive. writing lots. sometimes i even like what i'm writing, which is a bonus.

it seems that my creative times are later on in the evening. most of the time, while i'm drifting off to sleep. i've started keeping a notebook and pen by my bed. because if i don't write it down, i'm going to forget it. or it will make me stay up later trying to impress it into my memory. it's exhausting i tell you. i'll get into bed between 12 and 1, but won't actually fall asleep until 2 or 3. i fall asleep with my light on and my pen in my hand. sometimes i wish i could just tell my creative muse to SHUT THE HELL UP and LET ME GET SOME REST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

spending a lot of time by myself out of necessity. not too much different for an introvert like me. but still getting in good times with friends here and there. otherwise, i don't know. i'd probably end up like famous recluses such as miss havisham from great expectations, howard hughes, citizen kane, or gollum. oh my precioussss thessssissss...

reason #3894 why california is the best place on earth

salsa bars. taquerias. delicious.

I love technology, always and forever - Kip Dynamite

i think i shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree.
what's that? see something a little off about that large tree?
that's because it's not a tree. it's a cell phone tower.
i don't know how to feel about this. the tower's been up for a few years and i drive by it all the time whenever i'm home. i guess i'm mostly amused. it's a small concession on the part of cell phone companies not to create more eyesores like this:

does it demonstrate a heart for the land? or a concern for the aesthetic? or just another glaring way that technology is encroaching on nature? or are we more dependent on cell phone towers than trees to survive? whatever. i don't know who came up with this camoflage idea.
here's a newer one. see if you can find it. they should put fake birds and squirrels in it too.


my recent humbling regarding technology involves how our wireless router in our house broke. jeff replaced it the next day. but i realized how much i'm addicted to checking my email. i was having withdrawals, sweating, my right index finger twitching involuntarily. and what happened after my 24 hiatus from the internet? 2 emails - one from j. crew and one from southwest airlines. quite humbling indeed. am i so important as to need to be constantly available to people. not so much.

and i am aware of the small degree of hypocrisy involved, as i am writing about this on my blog. i freely admit that i have a problem. that's the first of the 12 steps, right?

so it begins...

my final semester of grad school, lord willing.

fittingly, the rain has returned to drench everything as school starts. feeling exhilirated/jittery/anxious/excited/annoyed/terrified about everything. but in a good way. today i ran into my advisor, and we are meeting on thursday to begin working together on the thesis.
i asked what i should bring, and she asked, "well have you been writing?"
i, of course, lied. "well, a little."
and she said to bring it to the meeting. oh i'll bring it. bring it like crazy.

it's not that i don't have anything. i've got my ideas, but haven't written them out full length yet. it takes the powerful motivator of fear a deadline to get me to commit to paper. it's all good.

perhaps if i feel like giving y'all a sneak peak, i'll post some of it on here. not sure though. i like to keep my cards close. off to procrastinate some more until i really freak out.

all i can say is that my life is pretty plain

oh blind melon, that one hit wonder band of the early 90s with the dancing bee girl. all to refer to their song no rain and rejoice that it did not rain in vancouver and i have seen the sun for the past 2 days. although it would've been kind of cool to break that record of consecutive days of rain. oh well.

"... all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape ..."

nose to the grindstone

well, i'm back in vancouver. coincidentally, i feel some tightness in my chest, tension in my shoulders and my socks are damp. yep. definitely back in vancouver.

downers: rained for the 25th day in a row
upside: missed the first 24 days

on the road again...

heading from home in california to my other home in vancouver. tired of travelling.

i have so enjoyed seeing my friends here and tasting again what life is like in the bay area (and its mexican food, which kind of goes without saying). god has been merciful and caused the sun to shine on my face before i go somewhere that has seen rain for the LAST 24 DAYS IN A ROW. what the hell is that? i should pack my scuba gear. though i am looking forward to my own bed and seing wonderful friends.

how can my heart belong to so many different places? not sure if it's supposed to be like this. or if i will always feel this way until heaven. at least i won't have to while away time in airports.

in the meantime, i am thankful for places that feel like home, raining or no.

ego boost

achieving some kind of rock star status with old friends. it feels good. they of course are rock stars to me also.

out of office...

walking on sunshine. woo! and it's startin' to feel good.

kicking it

well, back in the 'ville. it's sunny and that's amazing (it was mostly sunny in dc too actually. that was also amazing). back to hanging with the bro (the other one is in prague now, devising ways to force people to consume more and more each day), reading in the coffee shop with big comfy chairs and good lighting and catching up with people here and there.

contemplating the upcoming year, and all the change it will likely entail. good and hard at the same time. such is life. at this point, i also like to consider where i have been. this time last year, i was here and i was doing that. and the year before i was doing this, and why in the world did i think that. the year before that, i really can't belive i wore that or i hung out with so and so. that kind of thing ... i find it helpful to see how i have grown and changed. sometimes i feel so stuck in my own skin and many neuroses that i think i'm still as awkward as a junior higher. and it's nice to realize that that's not the case (at least, it's not ALWAYS the case).

well, i'm going to start doing some school reading now because i am a huge nerd and am afraid of being crushed under the weight of my thesis. toodles.

in limbo

passing the time in the phoenix airport between flights. i'm mainly people watching and being happy that there's free wireless because i am utterly shackled to technology. perhaps this is something to consider for a new year's resolution. besides starting smoking so that i fill my resolution to quit smoking.

break time has been a good mix of the busy-ness of general holidy craziness, being with family, visiting with friends and vegging out in front of the tv. flew the friendly skies a lot and rang in the new year on the east coast. thankfully, all travel has been safe if not uneventful (missing that flight a while back and then this time my bag not being returned to me until the next evening. i was about to go buy some clothes at walmart.)

now going back home to practice zen breathing to prepare me for the insanity of next semester and writing a thesis. once i've caught up on sleep and figured out which time zone i'm in again i shall regale you (all 4 of you that check this blog obsessively, i know you're out there) with zany stories and thoughts. in the meantime, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

you can't go home again...

but you can always go out to the hometown bar during the holidays and have awkward conversations with people you used to go to grade/middle/high school with.
alcohol helps.

home at last

currently sitting in my car outside someone's house and leeching the wireless connection. my sad geeky compulsions know no bounds. i'm home finally after the great midwestern oddyssey. it was good times but i'm glad to be home and not crammed into a tiny car or on a plane.

i hung out with my brother in chicago and we shopped and ate our way around downtown. sampled some deep fried twinkies. they were amazing.

then i met up with dave and steve and we drove to st. louis for nate and jen's wedding extravaganza. it was fun to be with friends and have no responsibility besides showing up at the wedding. many laughs and drinks consumed.

we stayed at this trip of a hotel where the reception was held. themed suites, and an overall medieval theme. this was in the lounge.


the trip home was eventful. we tried to get an early start and leave st. louis by 8. but then DW locked the keys out of the car and we were delayed by 45 minute or so. after AAA came, we folded ourselves into the car full of our stuff and DW drove like a madman to chicago. dave and i both had flights at 2:45. except his was at midway and mine was at o'hare. we dropped dave off first and then DW did a mean nascar impersonation to o'hare but i just missed my flight. i didn't really care, i thought i'd just get on a later flight, but then the check in lady said i had to fly standby. that's when i almost flipped out because i wasn't guaranteed to be home that day. but i made it on both flights (layover in minneapolis) and got home at midnight. too many hours of travelling. i'm still stiff.

best thing ever

smart wool socks. cozy warm.

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

done and done. stick a fork in me.
wahoo!
after i turned in my last paper, katie played the handel's hallelujah chorus loudly for me at the well cafe. it was quite triumphant and ecstatic. a proper way to signify the end of the semester.

now frantically cleaning and packing and running errands before i leave. in between all that, going out shortly for a beer with friends. another proper way to celebrate the end of the semester.

yay for vacations.

stay on target

sitting up too late, typing away at my computer. blech. wondering why i keep doing this to myself.

eyes on the prize: getting to see my brother in a few days in chicago, road tripping with pals, going to a wedding of two fabulous people (which is always fun), being in california again, sleeping in my bed, and christmas.

thinking about going on a coffee fast once this round of finals is over. time to purge the body of toxins. will replace them with beer. mmmmm... beer

almost there...

i turned in my last paper in, and only a take home final to go! hard for me to muster any energy for this. i just want t obe done. spoken like an upperclassman.
highlights of the week:
1. thesis proposal approved. this would be more exciting, but now i actually have to write my thesis. that's insane.
2. i paid dave a dollar to bear hug one of our profs upon hearing that his propsal was also approved. jeff threw down a dollar too. it was totally worth it to see him be surprised. wacky things like this need to happen more often at my school.
3. i saw the WORLD'S LARGEST GINGERBREAD MAN yesterday. it was AMAZING. you out there in cyberland are jealous, i know it. really, what could be better than an afternoon with lara katie and sienna looking at culinary masterpieces?

mmm.... giant cookie
lara and katie in awe before the sheer AWESOMENESS of the cookie.

some twisted gingerbread maker humor. note how gleeful the elf looks over his candied companion being dragged to his death.

sienna was unimpressed.

it's that time of year

hm... by my count, including high school, 4 years of college, and now during my 3rd year of grad school (including summer term and this semester), i have taken/written finals 23 times. i am a masochist.

anyway, signs that it's finals time:
- two other housemates and i have been hunched over our computers tonight.
- for the last newsletter issue this semester, i was so tired last night that i accidentaly sent the printers last week's issue, which they printed all over again. i had to frantically call them this afternoon, to see if they could do the right order in time for distributing it tomorrow.
- i have a 2500 word paper due tomorrow. i'm at 1,195. and i'm blogging.
acutally being at 1195 isn't so bad at 12:30. i'm going for slurpees.

dang

it's snowing again. crazy.
haven't left the house all day. a bunch of dear friends came over and we watched football all afternoon. it was glorious. it doesn't get much better than that.

ice ice baby

it has been a bad week for me, agility-wise.

damage report:

tuesday - cut left index finger with bread knife while slicing bread for our weekly soup lunch at school. lots of blood and whining.
wednesday - burnt arm on soup warmer while working at the coffee shop. more whining.
thursday - executed a cartoonlike fall on the ice while walking to school, both feet flew out from under me and my right knee taking the brunt of impact. bruising, and lots of cursing accompanied the whining.

i seem to go through these streaks of injury. last fall, i sprained my right hand playing soccer, majorly bruised my arm when i slipped on the icy steps behind my house, and gave myself a fat lip when i hit the goal post with my face, again during soccer. two of those happened in the same week, i can't remember which ones. these things might happen while i have a lot on my mind, school or life-wise. whatever.

as you can see, it snowed earlier this week. quite unusual this early or at all in vancouver. when i was greeted with this sight out my window that morning, i believe my words were, "what the heck?" the novelty wore off quickly, precisely at the point when i fell on the ice, a few days later. i do hope that it snows later this winter, because we've got an awesome/dangerous sledding hill at the park by our house. some things you just don't grow too old for, though your bones knit more slowly.

perhaps this is a more safe distance for me to enjoy snow. a pic from when i went to bowen island a few weeks ago.




surprisingly, i didn't injure myself at all playing ultimate. wait... no, i pulled my hamstring one week. never mind. we finished our season about a month ago. this is us during one of our playoff games. this was a tougher season, we just keep getting older, and the competition gets younger and faster. but we had a respectable season. lost in the quarter finals to the other regent team. that was a tough loss, a pretty even game, one of those that you know if you played again, we could've won. oh well, coulda, woulda, shoulda. there's always next season. in the meantime, i shall go into hibernation (wishful thinking).

and just because i have to keep including pictures of her because she's so dang cute, here's sienna again. she's so cute, i think she makes me better looking just because i'm holding her. she's the smallest, cutest, and drooliest housemate. i babysit, and i say that it's so lara and jeff can have a break, but i really just want to hang out with her. call me the filipino au pair. since the nanny workforce in vancouver is about 98% filipino, that's not so unusual.

you think i'd be done with my school work because i'm blogging again. actually, no. i'm back in fine procrastination form. woohoo!

in the homestretch

i've looked up long enough from this semester of work to realize: i'm almost done.

i don't know how that happened, with a relatively small degree of freak outs, and with my sanity left largely intact. in fact, i'm kind of excited to be working on my thesis next semester, even though i know it will drive me crazy and push me hard too. miraculous, i'd say. it feels good to be on a path that is hard but bringing out good stuff.

the thesis proposal goes in on tuesday. i am excited about this prospect, even though it would have terrified me a year ago, actually even just a few months ago. and still does a little, but in a good way.

not much else to report actually. american thanksgiving passed without much fanfare on my part - i spent it doing laundry, which was exactly what i wanted to be doing. first because i was out of clothes, and second because i needed some down time. it was followed by a friday night babysitting, again, something exactly my social speed. watching tv and hanging out with someone that has no vocabulary. it's not that i'm antisocial, it's that my brain gets fried a fair amount these days. okay, maybe i'm a little antisocial too.

saturday night fever

ingredients:
bailey's irish cream
breyer's vanilla ice cream
milk (organic, no less)

put ingredients in blender. mix to desired consistency.
consume while watching movie.

doesn't get much better than that.


busy days = short blog entries. but soon the dust will clear and i will write more soon.

frivolity

still plugging away... writing and thinking like crazy. sometimes i even enjoy myself.
occassionaly my thoughts turn to more fun activites such as these... ah well, there will be time for that again soon enough.

giving this some serious consideration...

" well that was wonderful.
hey mav, what was the number of that truck driving school again?
i think i'm gonna need it."
-goose, top gun

further sayings

"if i ever meet josh harris, i'm going to kick him in the balls." - dan (josh harris is the author of "i kissed dating goodbye")

comic relief

actual conversation:

"i mean, that's what i hate about this theology thing sometimes. . . writing about it is so self-deprecating . . . defecating?"

"yeah, i hate it when i crap on myself."

hilarity ensues.
one of the precious moments that makes up seminary.

autumn

a gloriously semi-productive day.
ate a bagel, sat in a coffee shop to read and do some work.
wandered around 4th ave, in and out of different shops.
it was good to be aimless for a while, breathing crisp fall air, and soaking in the fleeting sun.
hoping that relaxation will jog some creative muscles in my head.

deep breaths

instant reality check:

hmmm... write papers or hold baby? write papers or hold baby?

shout out

vancouver hearts nate first. after a rousing sendoff night of beer and friends, followed by rousing morning sendoff of friends and fireworks, our intrepid hero headed off to the great midwest to be with his sweetie, jen rice. we heart her, too.
we are sure that he is filling his pockets with new trinkets he is finding on the ground in st. louis.

hmmm....

i emailed my seminar paper to my class. after doing so, i was immediately wracked with angst about word choices, oh i should have said this point instead, that was so cheesy, ugh ugh ugh. sometimes i wish that email had an "unsend" button, that could reach out over cyberspace and retract your communications.

oh, i ma ridiculous.

and for some reason, somehow, i feel "called" (not sure if that is even the case) to be a writer. i am a writer?

i don't know if i can stand the mental anguish of putting my words out for people to read. perhaps it is only outweighed by the mental anguish i would suffer if i did not write.

so i press on. not quite knowing where i am going.

hey, it worked for abraham.

status

word count 1112 of 2000.
seriously, it's like pulling teeth here.
considering mountain dew consumption.

humor

funny: plastic dinosaurs

not funny: writing a 2000 word paper on why things are funny