happy birthday wishes

today is lara's birthday. if we still lived in vancouver (and conveniently the same house), i would take you to burgoo or savary island pie company for a birthday meal, and have a treat from st. moritz patisserie (my mouth is watering as i type this). and i would babysit sienna so you and jeff could have a date night. and then the next day maybe play chickenfoot with dane and jane. we could wear funny hats, like so.

when she's not being a fabulous mom to the cutest baby ever, lara also models at lighthouse park, like so. she throws some mean pottery, pours a cool rosetta leaf, and is a good friend. her kryptonite is chocolate, but that is the case for many of us. hope the 27th year is a good one for you and your family!

hiatus

the computer was in the shop. had a ding in the casing that kept me from shutting it easily (perhaps because of me being careless, not really sure how i did it though). this time around, apple supplied me with some new casing and trackpad. gratis. really, why would you not own an apple?

conference over

the conference was quite amazing. my heart is full and also broken in new ways. still processing. will post more in-depth thoughts soon.

progress (say it the canadian way! pro-gress)

well, i just got hired as a barista at a cool little coffee shop in the berkeley/oakland area. also investigating about another part-time job at my church. and thus ends some of my free time. but it'll be good to be a contributing member of society again, even if i don't get to sleep in anymore. and eventually, i hope to live in over there, that'll take some saving. but i think it's good temporary situation until, you know, I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. or something like that.

i'm off to berkeley again this evening. the church is putting on this jesus and evangelical conference. i am quite excited about it. speakers from egypt, india, el salvador, and uganda (this particular speaker was at the screening last night and added a lot of insight to the film and updates on the situation there). what do voices of the chuch from the majority world have to say to the church in north america? i remember reading at regent about how this conversation needed to take place, and i am excited to see it actually happening.

and to be perfectly honest, it's nice to actually have something to do on the weekend.

invisible children

my church had a free screening of the movie "invisible children" tonight. powerful story, overwhelming images. i' m still working though my feelings and thoughts in reaction to the movie. as you may already know, i've got a huge soft spot in my heart for kids. and to see these kids in northern uganda wandering around as orphans, recovering from their abduction and being forced to fight as rebels and fending for themselves ... it greatly grieved my heart. and that these atrocities have been going on for so long while the rest of the world has remained largely ignorant and inactive further saddened me.

the other day my brother declared to me that he had very little faith in humanity; he believes that we're just going to keep on going right ahead and destroy the earth. i was surprised at how sure he sounded of this. i don't know. i just don't agree with him. i still have hope. even in the midst of all this suffering.

more thoughts tomorrow. see the movie if you have the chance.

go bears

last saturday, pre-head implosion, i went to my first college football game ever. at my alma mater, gwu, we just had an underachieving basketball team.

anyway, my bro, a cal alum, took me to see the cal bears play the uw huskies. to make things more interesting (and much cheaper), we hiked up tightwad hill. for a more complete history of the hill read this (it's a good read, even if you're not into sports). for those that bypass the link, tightwad hill overlooks memorial stadium (kind off like how people can sit on the roof and watch cubs games at wrigley field). not only do you get a great free view of the game, you also get an amazing panoramic view of the san francisco bay. it is scenery that i love deeply, right up there with the mountains north of vancouver. and we were able to see the cal marching band play their halftime tribute to tv theme songs and their formations. the best was the saved by the bell theme song and they formed a large bell. so unexpected and creative - that must be why they're at cal. nevertheless, the band is pretty cool, one year they did a weezer tribute for their halftime program.

remember, of course, that we are in berkeley. so there is this benevolent flair of anarchy and cheerful oddness that colors the whole scene on the hill (and most sporting events in general). there is no way to easily or gracefully ascend this very steep hill, as it is covered with slippery dead foliage and loose dirt eroded by past spectators. as people kicked back and drank their beer through the game, i wondered how they could possibly make it down the hill without injuring themselves.

we ended up next to a man armed with several coolerrs that had obviously been to many games, as he had staked out a great and stable spot on a ledge formed by the roots of two trees. he grinned with his crooked teeth for most of the game as he gulped down several cans of natty light ice then crushing the cans and throwing them past us down the hill when cal failed to perform to his standards (besides that though, the hill is surprisingly fairly clean - those hippies pick up after themselves). he kindly shared two cans of beer with my brother, who in turn shared them with me. mmmm... natty light. it has its own unique flavor that seems to complement football watching well.

twenty feet over, a pair of men paced and nervously smoked their joints, cursing the cal quarterback, the coach, and the entire cal football program nonstop throughout the whole game. i have never seen such an angry stoned person before. if that's what he was like when he was high, then i'd hate to see him when he wasn't high. our natty light friend clumsily sauntered over at one point to talk to them and when he came back pulled out some cigarette paper, but not before sharing with us again - passing my brother a pinch of tiny green bud and leaves. eric quickly stuffed them into his pocket. generosity occurs in unexpected ways and places.

cal went on to win in in thrilling style with an overtime victory, 31-24. it was hard not to get too excited and jump up and down, with the risk of sliding down the hill and all. i just may be a convert to college football fandom.

wtfwjd?

this made me laugh and laugh. apparently, they're modeled after these nbc "the more you know" ads, but i don't remember them. for more ads, go to thechurchyouknow.com. they're pretty funny.

long distance fun

i talked to this kid on the phone today. the conversation was witty, incisive and thought-provoking.

restless

as i consider my time of inactivity, i am surprised at how hard it is for me to practice sabbath. well, it's never been quite easy for me to do so. the pressure to be productive and all. even when sitting still or alone, there are loads of ways to keep the mind and spirit from resting. believe me, i am quite good at this - the not-really-resting thing.

yet that is the rhythm that God sets for us - it is not only good but necessary to rest one day out of seven. i wonder then, how we came to our own rhythm of the 5-day work week. i guess before we complain, we ought to remember that 6 days of work used to be the norm. 2 days of rest? well that seems extravagant, and yet we are more harried than ever. i suppose it is because we are such a pleasure-seeking society that we work so hard at filling our time off with activities.

i decided that i would not check my email on sundays. i spend way too much time on my computer doing nothing in particular in the first place, so i thought this would be a good place to start. it was hard. i had to unplug my computer and put it on the other side of the house. i was out for most of the day anyway (doing a walkathon despite my monstrous headache, yeah, real smart i know) and it was still hard. i wouldn't have been able to do it if i had been home. sometime i'd like to do sabbath the way orthodox jews do - no travelling, no appliances, no anything. such a marked departure from day to day life that reminds us of the presence of God.

r-e-l-i-e-f

i just finished meeting with my spiritual director. not coincidentally, my headache has lifted. (cue choirs of angels)

time to not live in my head so much and make myself crazy. time to get a job, even if it is pouring coffee for yuppies. sometimes they even tip well. the unemployment ennui needs to be abated. i will also buy a truckload of excedrin headache medicine in the event this happens again, and continue meeting with my spiritual director.

of course i have to go to my editing class in an hour, so the headache could return. i'm supposed to get my midterm back. headache is probable.

i have stories to tell though, funny ones, and it is annoying me that i have not blogged them. soon, faithful blog readers, soon.

the headache, it has returned. i think this hoohah might be solved by drinking a cup of joe. i stubbornly refuse. i guess i've never gotten myself addicted to anything because i just hate being controlled by/dependent on something else.

more when i can handle thinking again.

my brain hurts

i've just come out of a 2-day long headache. some kind of combination of lack of caffeine, dehydration and any number of other factors all came together to put my skull in a vise, and then kick my brain with steel-toed boots. awful. holla if you hear me.

something kinda different

i felt bad publishing my mental angst. of course, that's what a blog is for. so i googled theology to see if anything funny came up and i found this.

sundries

it's indian summer in the bay area. meaning, it's 83 degrees today. join me in saying "what the hell?" there is no hint of crispness in the air, though the sun is setting earlier and the leaves are slowly turning. i haven't been here in a while, so i can't remember if this is normal or not. my friend said her azaleas are blooming because they think it's spring. sometimes i enjoy it and sometimes i wouldn't mind a little brisk autumn rain, a la vancouver.

in an effort to keep too many of my brain cells from dying, i continue to patronize the library resources. here's a few things i've seen or been thinking about lately.

rented this movie. it's an old akira kurosawa movie. he's a classic japanese filmmaker, and a few of his films were made into american westerns. i don't know if this is a particularly popular one; i just kept running across references to it and finally decided to find out why. there are all sorts of cinematic elements to this movie that would appeal to film geeks, but unless you're into that kind of thing, i don't think you'd really be into this movie. but it has a lot to say about how people perceive things and tell story. a man is killed; there are 3 different witness accounts of what happened. which one is true? no one can be fully objective. (for those that watch veronica mars, the first season episode where she is trying to find out what happened to her when she got roofied at the party and possibly raped - that story structure was a play on this movie) i often feel that tension when i write. i view an event one way because of who i am; another person can have a totally different perception of the same event because of who she is. is one of more right or true than the other?

i must really be into subtitled films because motorcycle diaries is the third movie i've talked about here and they're all subtitled. this one's about the early formative experiences of che guevara as he travelled around south america. the film is quite poignant, and the film appeals to the socialist in all of us in the desire to help the poor in society. of course, i don't agree with che's ideas about the necessity of an armed revolution. afterward, i really did want to hit the open road like he did. (plus the guy playing che is rather dreamy. that always helps draw people to the revolutionary cause. viva!)

then i read a book of wendell berry's essays and it make me want to move out to a farm and settle in for 20 years or so. you know, be connected with the land and all that. i'm so easily inflluenced these days - there are much worse things to be influencing me i suppose. it was "What are People For?" good stuff. i'm glad to finally get a chance to read him. today i interviewed at a coffee shop and listening to this woman talk so passionately about the craft of roasting coffee made me think of him.

i had coffee with the mssions pastor the other day. a petite barely 5' tall filipino/japanese dynamo of social justice. an incredibly refreshing conversation as we shared our stories and the winding path both of us has taken to end up at this point. she understood the uncertainty and culture shock post-school kind of feeling. hoping hang out with her more. plus she really tight with the pastor of the chuch that anne lamott goes to - apparently they went through seminary together. from the stories anne lamott wrote about her, she sounds really cool. i'm volunteering for this walk-for-AIDS event that the church is helping sponsor this weekend. i figure hanging out with her more often would be a good thing and perhaps more effective to connect with other people as we serve togther. it gives more context (and perhaps shared perspectives) for me and other people than the small groups i have been to.

some friends go to this informal gathering once a month. several small groups get togther, have dinner, and someone shares a lesson. in discussing relationships, the language of finances in reference to people gave me much to consider. "investing" in someone, "spending" time with them were the terms bandied about the most. the meatphors were acknowledged, but not much was made of it either way. there are all sorts of expectations built into these concepts that i thought so odd to apply to people. because we are not commodities. if you "invest" in someone, are you then expecting a "return" or "payback"? how does this work in the scheme of God's economy (if economy is a word that really applies)? because i'm pretty sure he doesn't operate this way. and yet this kind of thing is deeply ingrained in all of us. my life coach says i have this chance to act differently with my family, yet to not expect anything back, the important thing is that i changed. and i am surprised at how little that really appeals to me.

hm, least lighthearted, most rambling post ever. i feel all jittery. this coffee i just bought had better be decaf or there is really going to be hell to pay.

abused by caffeine

after my midterm last night, i felt like treating myself. on the way home from berkeley, my bro and it hit up nation's, a local hamburger chain. (see that last phrase? it's called an appositive - a phrase that further describes a noun thus requiring a comma - at least i think that's what it is. grammar is kicking my ass, sticking my head in a toilet and giving me a swirly) i had some good pumpkin creme pie and some decaf coffee. a tasty combo. i couldn't fall asleep until 4 am. yeah, i'm pretty sure that coffee was not decaf. i know i have insomnia sometimes but that's just ridiculous. curse inattentive restaurant employees. at least my thoughts during the long caffeinated night of the soul gave me some time to think about stuff, which will be posted forthwith. check the blog obsessively.

secret authority?

i finally talked to someone in my class the other night (i'm shy and when i'm cranky -as i often am in that class - i don't feel much like talking, anyway). i got there a few minutes before class started to look over the style manual before the midterm; one woman was already in there. we ruefully admitted to each other the humble pie we'd been forced to eat because of the class. she asked me what i did. i gave her the quick schpiel, theology and art, yadda yadda yadda. to my surprise, she nodded in recognition and said that she also studied theology, in fact, she had studied to be a roman catholic priest for a while.

now you're wondering, isn't it only men that can be catholic priests? that's what i wondered too. at that point some other woman had arrived and they carried on the conversation. turns out she's part of some group that is working towards the ordination of women as priests in the catholic church. apparently she just got elected president or this group. and some women actually have been ordained. only it's all in secret because any person involved gets excommunicated. i don't really understand how they serve then, if this is all done in secret. she mentioned that she went to a home church, so in that setting it would be allowed. today i found a story NPR did about this movement. it's a pretty hot topic.

and i thought some of my friends had encountered resistance in their own denominations as they pursued a vocation of ministry. the woman breezily (with an steely undertone in her voice) described their goal to "just change one word in the canon." from "any baptized male can become a priest" to "any baptized person can become a priest." yeah, good luck with getting the church to changing the CANON. dang. and apparently her subcommittee was named the "ministry of irritation" (the monty python sketch jokes immediately leap to mind) that actively was speaking out to demand church reform.

don't really know what i think of all this. there's this big wide world out there.

probably not covered in supervised ministry class

for those that are considering being or are already pastors: at church last sunday, the associate pastor had to baptize a hawaiian baby girl with a 9-syllable last name (and because it's a hawaiian name there were lots of dashes, vowels and apostrophes in it) either he's got nerves of steel, or he must have practiced saying her name a a lot before the big day.

because all hearts must melt before the cuteness

click here for more shots in which you cannot resist her power

dammit

mental note: next year in playoffs, don't forget how to hit. oh well. see you guys in april.

Banker to the Poor

Check out this article on the latest winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. He links the world peace with the reduction of poverty. interesting stuff. and he looks super stoked.

i'm trying to keep up on the news and read more, seeing as how i have the time to do so. i'm wondering if all the rest and free time i have right now is the time to make up for the last year of school, where i lived on red alert for 8 months. that just ocurred to me today. basically i didn't really practice the sabbath during that time. i feel like i just managed to finish before the wheels came off my wagon completely.

it also just occurred to me that i have yet to hold a typical 9-5 office job. i worked at the washington post, and that was a 6pm-2 am gig (awful, but it did have some perks). then i was a teacher which was a part-time schedule (you try filling a two hour block of time with 20 sixth graders twice a week"hey it's time for another video!"). worked at summer camp which is all sorts of fun and chaos. after that came being in youth ministry and that has a unique schedule all it's own (though i did have my own cubicle aread that i actually enjoyed). and then came three blurry mind/heart/life-altering years of grad school. this could have happened subliminally, after the editor at my magazine internship in college warned me against getting jobs that required me to wear panty hose (best thing that i learned there. best thing that i taught there? teaching another editor the difference between tupac shakur and notorious b.i.g. and showing her how to flash the west side sign).

and now... well, now i have this desire to work on the behalf of those on the margins, be a good steward of creation, and be more thoughtful about my faith. and i haven't the foggiest idea of how that will come about. and i can see all these different avenues to take, hear all these different cries for help in different forms, and i sit here under my parents' grape vine arbor like jonah under his shrub, stewing (i know that his stewing is totally different from my stewing, i just like that i'm sitting under this grapevine, plus i'm reading wendell berry when i'm not blogging so it's not all that bad).

jpod

i heart douglas coupland. just finished this book. it's a good 'un. he takes things we take for granted in our culture, blows them up to super caricature cartoon level and in doing so, gives us a glimpse of the truth. it's a fun ride.

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately. too much to put on a blog because it becomes this place of mental vomit that doesn't necessarily make sense. but i have had several good conversations to help me untangle the many threads of thought.

the reacclimatization process continues. it comes to my attention at odd moments and in odd ways. like i said pop instead of soda once. or i wonder why the team leading the music during a church service put all the women singers way in the back of the stage. or why does todd agnew get the credit for writing a "new" song, "grace like rain" when it really is just "amazing grace" and he wrote a new 3-line chorus for it (this one REALLY tees me off, even though i have enjoyed other contemporary arrangements of old hymns).

or how very jarring it is to me when it is asked what the take-away lesson is from a passage of scripture; or the immediate measuring of oneself against scripture. this one i've been thinking about for a while. yes, one is to learn how to live from scripture. but to reduce one passage to one meaning? it seems to me that it chokes the Living Word; and it is turned into a public service announcement. it's like looking at an impressionist painting up too close, all you see is a bunch of paint blots; but back up to take in the whole picture and you see something of beauty. the bible paints this huge and vibrant picture of God and of creation and of relationship. i am wary of condensing this into one sentence summaries (tempting as it is). it's a subtle switch that eugene peterson describes, "No longer was I reading and asking 'What does this mean? How can I use this?" I was asking, 'How can I obey this? How can I get in on this?'" (Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, p. 64) these thoughs are definitely in progress.

and i spend more time mulling this over than studying for my editing class. but it's like reading instruction manuals. i red and after about 15 minutes, it is much too painful to continue. i hate this class. it's like one of the games in highlights magazine, you know that you read when you were a kid? spot the 6 things that are different in the two pictures. and i can't do it. that's what it feels like. so, you know, i have to come up with some other plans about what to do to earn money. somewhat demoralizing, yet enlightening at the same time. am looking into clown college. or truck driving school. or beautician school. let's conduct a poll: which one of these options would you like to see me pursue? or something else i haven't thought of yet?

born into brothels

i've been renting movies from the library. born into brothels is a movie i've been meaning to see for a long time now. it certainly deserved the academy award it won in 2005. it was beautiful to see these kids' faces light up as they begin to see the world around them in different ways and tell their own story. as the express their thoughts on the pictures they took, it occurred to me that this was probably the first time they were able to express their thoughts and opinions and be listened to, and probably the only place that it happened. it is amazing to see how intertwined these lives become.

o, canada

rather than call attention to the politically incorrect holiday we recognize in america that recalls some lost sailors, indigenous people and the following years of oppression, i would like to wish all five of my blog readers a happy thanksgiving, canadian style. note the cornucopia. mmm... cornucopia.

advantages of canadian thanksgiving: less commercialism than american thanksgiving, it's on a monday so if you play your cards right you can have up to maybe 7 thanksgiving-type meals with different people, it's earlier in the year so that's kind of cool, and it's in canada. thinking of thanksgiving makes me immediately crave green bean casserole. and mashed potatos and gravy. i've always been way more into the side dishes than the actual turkey.

things i am thankful for: it is 79 degrees outside, friends near and far, and the yankees lost in the playoffs while the a's won (a's second baseman marco "mr. clutch" scutaro, dh frank thomas aka "large gary coleman" and pitcher barry "dreamboat" zito in particular).

i am glad to actually have lived in canada to celebrate thanksgiving there. sometimes i still expect to see the labels of stuff in french. mmm... pamplemousse. happy thanksgiving to those celebrating it today!

reunited and it feels so good

tonight i went to my friend natalie's wedding. i've known her forever - through the early stages of teen awkwardness, church youth group insanity, college hijinks until now in our mature adulthood (hah - whatever). the wedding was in her parents' backyard and i enjoyed the flashbacks in my mind as i drove over just like i did in high school. I remember going over there to watch movies, jump on the trampoline, or go on some late night mission to t.p. her house (or someone else's). and today i watched as she married this amazing man, and it was beautiful. i met ryan earlier this summer, and about 30 seconds after talking to him, it was exceedingly obvious to me that of course they should get married. it could've been that the three of us immediately talked about the simpsons. i'm very excited for this adventure that the two of them have embarked on.

i'm going to venture a guess that heaven will be a little bit like a really awesome wedding reception. reuniting with long lost friends, resurrecting old jokes, recalling fun memories, and laughing till there were tears in my eyes - i find few things more satisfying than this. i haven't laughed that hard in a while. plus there's free booze and small children dancing crazily. but seriously, picking up the threads of old relationships again was very good for my soul.

the hits just keep on comin'

this is how we roll in oaktown, baby. yahoo! i love baseball in october.

talk of the weather will do

my prespective gets all skewed. today was slightly overcast, clouds blowing through all day, the sun peeking through here and there. to my california eyes, this was a blah day. then i remembered that a day like this in vancouver = fabulous.

i wonder what else i see differently. this worries me.

Gilead, page 5

"It is an amazing thing to watch people laugh, the way it sort of takes them over. Sometimes they really do struggle with it... So I wonder what it is and where it comes from, and I wonder what it expends out of your system, so that you have to do it till you're done, like crying in a way, I suppose, except that laughter is much more easily spent."

your thoughts

when approaching the scripture, is it presumptuous to look for a "take-away" lesson? why or why not? what, if any, expectations should we have when we study the bible? (i went to another small group tonight as you can guess. there was beer this time, so that was kind of cool) i'm serious. comments, please.

was this something we talked about in seminary while i wasn't paying attention? shoot. i was probably checking my email.

green october

it's 10:30 am and i'm watchin' playoff baseball with my bro and grandma. milton bradley spilled coffee all over esteban loaiza in the dugout and everyone freaked out except loaiza. who names their kid milton bradley? no wonder the dude is such an angry player; he's been harassed about board games his entire life. let's go a's!

p.s. i'm wearing my "mcfavorite" baseball shirt that melanie and dan gave me for my going away from vancouver gift. except what with all these grey's anatomy "mcdreamy" and "mcsteamy" characters, i look kind of weird for wearing it. oh well.

wahoo!

(cue "we are the champions" by queen)

in this historic baseball season in the year 2006, my team, the springfield isotopes, emerged victorious in my fantasy baseball league. thus, i have earned major trash talking privileges over my brother, cousins, friends and random people from the internet that i have never met. awesome.

rock over london, rock on chicago

this past weekend was more exciting than most weekends have been lately.

i met up with eric and his high school pals in the city on saturday night for some karaoke. i refrained from performing, but they busted out spirited renditions of "bad leroy brown", "i did it my way" and "hey jealousy." only because of karaoke would these songs be mentioned in the same sentence. oh, and the beautiful duet "you don't bring me flowers." everyone else was dressed to be out on the town, because that's how you roll in san francisco even if you're at a dive karaoke bar. but the boys were dressed in what they wore to the giants game earlier in the day and i was pretty much on the same level. it made the whole experience that much more amusing. i seem to only like dive bars - they have more character and the people watching is much more entertaining.

afterward we headed back to the east bay for late night grub, cheeseburgers or pies. mmm... pie. and rolled into bed at 2:30 in the morning. which actually isn't too much past my regular bedtime, only i've usually been up that late because i'm reading a good book, not out carousing around town.

sunday night i saw these guys. sherwood - the hardest working men in the music business (no joke - it's hard work being a rockstar). have a listen to their music if you're hankering for a bit of summer in your day, their music will hit the spot. my buddy nate is the lead singer and bassist - we worked at camp together crazy summer five years ago (the concert was a perfect excuse for a mini-reunion). his heart is as big as his laugh and loves making music without having to attach the adjective "christian" to it. he and the guys live in the winnebago from road rules 10 - they got a good deal on it. it makes me proud to see friends doing something that they love. sherwood: they're so hot right now. check 'em out.

my favorite canadian-californian.

happy birthday wishes to jane halton, one of vancouver's finest. and i do mean FINE.

jane hits the big 3-0 today. welcome to the thirties, my friend. jane is a champion chickenfoot player (her inaugural victory celebration is at the left), a discerning burrito lover, and diet coke addict. for the sake of our friendship, i am willing to overlook the fact that she likes the LA dodgers.

full house

there are 10 people staying at my house right now. it's a bit crazy.
there's my immediate fam, my grandma, uncle and cousin (the two of them are here to get my cousin set up at school), and three of my brother's high school buddies. they're having a grand reunion. that means they play old video games all night (eric pulled to old super nintendo out of the closet), reminisce about high school and work as many popculture references/quotes into conversation as possible. and i thought i was pretty good - they can have a complete conversation based on simpsons quotes alone. it's hard for me to keep up. it's fun to have them around.

i've been reading a lot lately. just started christ plays in ten thousand places by eugene peterson. i'm realizing that i'll always be learning, that i always want to be learning regardless of wether i'm in school or not. i'm afraid of forgetting what i've learned at regent. i'm afraid i'll be smushed back into the mold that our larger consumer culture forces us into. the siren cry of money and materialism is strong. i think that is why i need community of people that share christ-like values, to stand together.

i rather feel like expressing myself...

a sign from the heavens

to avoid paying for parking at a's games, my brother and i usually park in the BART parking lot and walk over to the stadium. and we always drove by this house to get to the lot - it's been there for as long as i can remember. i noticed that it was going to be torn down, so i snapped a photo of it before the demolition. philsophize away about this handy evangelism tool/method.

it's just this regular house, i wonder how the owner decided to attach this message to the wall. i particularly like the flames adorning the word "hell." and perhaps the dish network system should also be associated with the dangers of hell.

hello, my name is...

tonight was the first small group bible study i've been to in a long time. all part of my new quest to get me some community - i wore a nametag and everything; i hate wearing nametags. didn't have any awkward small talk, lord be praised. i was curious to see how things would be, you know, post-theological education and all.

i've got some problems with how we do bible study - "we" being a general pronoun for the average church. let's go through a book of the bible, one chapter per week and make our best (largely uneducated) guesses at what the scripture is getting at. and with our western perspective, that means diving in from our contemporary viewpoint, jumping around to different verses, and immediately measuring ourselves against the passage. "do i live up to this passage?" (the answer: of course we don't, otherwise we wouldn't need grace), and so on. we were spending time in the word, but not really soaking it in so much. it had kind of a bull-in-a-china-shop feel to me in approaching scripture.

it made me appreciate the practice of lectio divina - of reading the word out loud, spending time in silence, soaking in the passage in a contemplative manner and letting it speak to us. and THEN sharing with each other.

i squirmed internally. i tried not to dominate the conversation. i know i know more than them, but that does not give me license to do my own bull in a china shop act. doesn't seem right to me. i'll go back, i guess. i want to meet people, after all, and be more involved at this church. this will not be my main source of intellectual stimulation, however. kind of a weird situation to find myself in.

sweet victory. finally.

ladies and gentlemen, your Oakland Athletics, 2006 AL West champs. it's about damn time. post-season, here we come!

me fail english? that's unpossible!

annoyed.

got another in-class exercise back in copyediting class. i haven't seen that much red ink since ... oh i don't know, high school ... no, grade school - ooh, i got it, one of my calculus tests in college (i got a d- in that class). apparently, i have no grasp of the english language. and i thought i had done well on it until i saw the corrections. my teacher isn't really big on encouragement. she sounds like marge simpson's mom. at least how i think she would sound.

seriously, i thought i was a grammar geek before. folks, i am being led into new worlds of grammar geekdom that i have never conceived of before - when to italicize, capitalize, use an apostrophe, insert a comma... blablabla. and i'm not really sure i want to go down this path.

i just find this really galling, you know, because i'm a writer. i love words. words are important to me. i know words.

i cursed during most of the drive home. 30 minutes.
i don't know. maybe it's a sign. writers have more fun.

i met with my spiritual director friend today. she lent me a copy of "what color is your parachute?" it's one of those really big job search books. check it - it's personally autographed to her from the author. apparently he lives in my hometown, and is christian and spoken at new college berkeley several times on vocation (she's the director of the school - think regent on a very small scale). and the book is all based within a biblical perspective of vocation. this is all news to me. i had it confused with "who moved my cheese?" i've actually read that one and though it was kind of dumb.

anyway, besides getting that book from her, she also lent me gilead by marilynne robinson which i've heard is very good. but i digress: our conversation was quite good. it's good to talk. and to be listened to. and to discover which ways God is calling me. feeling that tendency to let the job define me, instead of maybe the other way around. or something like that. sometimes the rest of life gets too loud for me to be able to think, and so it's good that i'm meeting with her.

sigh. i guess we'll see, huh?

future tense

okay vancouver homies...

i just got a wedding invitation from a good buddy of mine. the wedding is in seattle. in december.
since seattle is so much closer to vancouver than danville is, i thought i'd drop by. how's everyone's first week of december looking? i know most of you fools aren't in school anymore, so having finals is no excuse for at least one night at the wolf and hound for cheap pitchers of beer. or an occasion of this variety. (rice-firsts, please delay your departure from vancouver for a few days)

just thought i'd float that out there. this is a shameless attempt to get people to comment. here's what worked last time: grey's anatomy. there.

and - the a's LOST. AGAIN. (many swear words here)

indian summer

it's 90 degrees out.
what the heck?
i forgot that summer extends into october here.

also the stupid a's lost their stupid game yesterday to the stupid angels. so their stupid magic number is still 2. terrible playing yesterday - they looked like they were asleep out there. this does not bode well for the playoffs. at least i had one more chocolate malt with a wooden spoon before the season ends.

fake plastic trees

community. man, i haven't heard that word bandied about in a while. we used to say it so much at Regent that it really didn't hold much meaning for me after a while. sometimes the community there was cloying, much like spending too much time with your own family in a small space like on a road trip.

of course, in a school setting, community is served up on a platter. misery loves company to some degree - makes me think of the many times i've stayed up far too late at the last minute working on papers - at least i knew the weed was suffering along with me, or annie when we'd share a table and frantic looks on our faces typing our thesis projects. then we'd all go to the pub, or to mac's late at night for junk food.

and now? well now, i actually have to go out looking for community. the horror! not something easy for me the introvert. yesterday ashley had to serve in the prayer room after church and i loitered around for her before dinner. i haven't felt that self conscious about not knowing anyone in a long long time. i even had a brief awkward courtesy conversation with some well-meaning soul, and i wanted to run away. chalk it up to my social anxiety disorder (is that a real thing? i made it up one day and liked how it sounded). but then i talked to some people that had actually spent some time at regent, and their faces lit up with recognition. and that somehow was like a lifeline - i'm slowly realizing how out of community i am and how much i miss it. actually the whole service was quite encouraging in ways that i hadn't encountered in a while, not since i had left vancouver. for one, i actually agreed with their theology, which, you know, is nice.

mostly i was reassured to find having values and things in common with people that i thought i wouldn't be able to find quite so easily. which i haven't been able to find, and was afraid i wouldn't find; i thought maybe regent had made me more of an stranger in a strange land than i already was, being a christian and all.

the church is hosting this conference "jesus and evangelical power" and the speakers are from uganda, el salvador, cairo and calcutta. i'm quite impressed. voices from the majority world telling american evangelical where we're getting it wrong and getting it right. i'm looking forward to going.

this whole post-regent life is slow in coming together. i thought i had a strategy, only to have it turned upside down by my life coaching friend. which was kind of annoying, but good. i guess i pay her to do that. there is more than one way to look at something, which is a simple fact that i seem to forget a lot.

america's past-time

The Oakland A's magic number to clinch the AL west division: 2
*meaning that, at the game tomorrow vs. the angels, the title could be ours!
will i be at the game? yes
was i at today's game, hoping it today would be the day? yes
the nachos were subpar this time around. very disappointing.

also, i am 5.5 points up on the rest of the teams in my fantasy baseball league. what???? that's insane.

my thursday nights are booked

my new addiction. it's not very often that a show can make me laugh and cry from one moment to the next. yes, i have choked up watching this show; i am a sap. i have a crush on all of the characters.

but like jeff wrote, if you call me tomorrow, don't expect an answer.

kickin' it old school

so i'm rattling around in my old jeep cherokee these days. i try to drive as little as possible, but sometimes i just have to escape my house, so i feel like i am accomplishing something. and what do i listen to while i drive? well, the car just has a tape deck (remember cassette tapes?) and the most current tape in there is a mix tape comprised of "Spiceworld" the Spice Girls' second album. remember the spice girls? man, they had some catchy tunes.

but the most frightening thing is not that i am actually listening to it, but that I STILL REMEMBER THE WORDS to a lot of the songs. topping that, my middle brother can tell which spice girl is singing in each song. we liked them, but in a kind of ironic way, in that is was so easy to hate them.

my youngest brother is the one responsible for this mix tape (he must have been 12 at the time), which also contains such hits as "karma police" by radiohead,"we are the champions" by queen, "hey mickey" by toni basil, and a large part of adam sandler stand-up (lunch lady blues, etc.). it is the worst mix tape i have ever heard.

you are now supremely jealous to learn that I HAVE SEEN THE SPICE GIRLS IN CONCERT. oh yes. 1998. if you don't think that is amazingly funny, then i don't want to be friends with you. get off my blog.

people i like

a few friends celebrated birthdays recently. wish i could've been around to join the festivities for such cool people. why can't we all live on the same street in the same town anymore?

sara is now 29 years of age. sara enjoys donuts (boston cremes rule!) and mysterious german tonics but hates exercising in direct sunlight. she'll kick your ass in a game of "name that 80's sitcom theme song."






at 6'4", dave is exactly 12 inches taller than me. he likes banana-flavored liquer, singing in bars with blind piano players and drinkin' beer before systematic c class. he's got 29 years under his belt.



stevie likes using overly large appliances, "billy jean" by michael jackson and wearing flesh-toned shorts. he makes wicked good soup. i believe steve is 28.









i did not make up any of these facts. glad to know people like these, makes life far more interesting. happy belated birthday! this special post is in lieu of birthday presents, by the way. you can thank me later.

creativity: it's like squeezing water from rocks

i just chugged a pepsi beause i was having a caffeine withdrawal headache. now i will probably have a caffeine induced headache. you can't win.

well... i have editing class tonight. and i still haven't done my homework, which is true to my study habits. i have to confess that i'm not totally sold on this copyediting-as-a-career thing. perhaps it's that my teacher is less than dynamic. perhaps it is that we are in the most decrepit depressing classroom on the berkeley campus. perhaps it's that i took a bit of a beating on my first editing test and my pride is stung. perhaps this stuff is more exicting in actual practice than in description (say, like explaining each editing symbol). or perhaps i am discovering that i need more of an avenue to be creative than this particular job.

i finally read sleeping with bread. (hat tip to bw for telling me about the book). so i am trying to be attentive to what is life-giving and what is life-draining and why this is the case - hence the previous paragraph. it has been helpful in this whole limbo time. also, my life coach is helping me to visualize my goals and priorities; she is encouraging my to day dream about jobs i would like to have; which i think has never really happened before. yes, i have a life coach. she's quite good. i am also meeting with a spiritual director; she's also quite good. both have been former teachers of mine; i respect them both a great deal. i am glad to have voices of guidance and wisdom at this time.

my brother is moved in to his place in san diego ("which is german for a whale's vagina.") and about to start school. i am quite jealous (not about the school part), as i am in my old room in my parent's house which is still partly a storage room. it is frustrating not to have my own space in the way that i would like it to be.

next post: with photos! i promise!

the kids are all right

i've visited with some of my old youth group kids. in fact, it only took about 5 minutes for one of them to express a desire to punch me in the face. he really meant, it's good to see you again. being the midst of their hyperactivity is shocking but in a good way. it's fun to see how they've grown over the past 3 years.

played freeze tag for the first time in who knows how long when i babysat my friend's 2 boys. i thought i broke one of them when he asked me to launch him in the air off my shoulder. some things are best only attempted in the swimming pool. his younger brother kyle resisted brushing his teeth before bed with an act of civil disobedience; he curled up into a ball on the floor. i had exhausted my reserve of threats and cajoling, garrett offered to help. bending down close to his ear, he said, "kyle if you brush your teeth, i'll give you... money." kyle was off like a shot. garrett looked up at me, shook his head, and said with all the wisdom a 7 year old could muster, "works every time." after kyle rinsed, garrett forked over 6 cents. at bedtime, after i had wrestled them both through baths, i read them stories on the couch. sitting there reading "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" with two freshly scrubbed heads resting on my shoulders was a tranquilly perfect moment.

life is a highway, and i hate it

sitting in a car for 9 hours sucks my will to live. back in san diego, this time to drop off the youngest brother for the fall quarter at ucsd. kind of wierd, i've never had to do this before, being the oldest and all. i did the first things first. anyway, the weather has been strangely reminiscent of vancouver, being in the 70s when it really should be in the 90s. convert that to celsius yourselves, people. i'm in america now and don't have to do or care about that kind of thing. my other brother and i, still being jobless, are plotting how to become youtube celebrities or how to create some kind of internet rumor/phenomenon. that kind of thing could pass for a resume builder in these crazy days. wish us luck, and that our rickety well-used old cars get us to where we need to go.

back in the matrix

well, my computer is back (via fedex shipping, no less), with a brand spanking new hard drive. and because apple is apple, they threw in a new keyboard too - a lot of the letters on the keys had worn off. love that customer service.

technology is not the answer

today's public service announcement: backup all your data. seriously.

my ibook g4 is currently being shipped off to get the hard disk repaired or possibly replaced. bizarrely, the breakdown occurred right when i was putting in my new replacement battery - i thought that was the culprit, but how could a battery do that? after two visits in one day to the genius bar at the apple store, they sent it off. i should get it back in a week or so. it is strange to be without my laptop, but i think it will be a good break. fitting since i just picked up my first reading of wendell berry from the library.

i was pretty gutted when i thought i would lose all the files on my computer. all of my regent papers (for what they are worth). photos from the past year of life. luckily i was able to pull all that stuff off and put it on an external hard drive. that was close.

i'm looking for a mr. jass ... first name, hugh

i've been spending a lot of time at the library. because i'm now 70 years old and afterward i go for the early bird special at denny's. actually, there's nothing wrong with that. and the library is free, with many mind-enriching things since mine is slowly turning to mush. i put many dvds on hold and then check the website to see when i get them. and this book was on the main page. and i laughed and laughed. this author obviously never saw that particular simpsons episode. or got a prank call from me.

multimedia

here's another video from okgo. it's from one of their older songs. wish i had moves like this.

let's go a's

you know, sometimes it ain't bad being unemployed. if i had a job, i wouldn't be able to go to cheap ticket wednesday a's games. and the a's beat the rangers, 9-6.

tickets: $2 each. hot dogs: $1 each. (i consumed 2. bro consumed 4. dude's got an iron stomach.) i felt i was then justified to blow $7.50 on that there fat tire amber ale. reminds me of what i had to pay for a pint at dentry's after tax and tip - lame.

personal quote of the game:
(after seeing some guy's hockey t-shirt) "the nashville predators? is their mascot a creepy guy driving a van?"

bobbling heads

it's frank thomas bobblehead night at the a's game. my brother is going, but i have to go to class. lame!
i was invited to go to the game tomorrow, which is a dollar dog wednesday. mmm... cheap hot dogs. wait, ew. but i'm still going to eat them because they're cheap.

suffering a lot of angst about driving everywhere. the chocolate factory appears to be in great need of barristas, as the manager asked me to come in for a try-out on thursday, whatever that means. i don't know if being able to say i work at a chocolate factory is really worth the driving. i will hazard the public transportation though. in such a car saturated culture, the public transportation tends to be neglected. i'll give it a try.

apparently my people who know people in the publishing world have passed my name on to even more people. perhaps one of these days i will actually get a solid lead. in the mean time i will enjoy my items i just picked up from the library: step into liquid - a surfing movie, and christ plays in ten thousand places by eugene peterson. and that's how we do theology in california. speaking of which, i need to rename my blog. we all knew this day would come but it is sad nonetheless.

lethargy

a law of inertia: an object at rest tends to stay at rest.

especially when said object is me - i didn't leave the house today. but my copy editing class starts tomorrow. and i'm going to go see about a barrista job at a CHOCOLATE FACTORY. i mean, hello! a CHOCOLATE FACTORY! it's some old well known local brand; and there's a really nice cafe that serves lunch and dinner. here's hoping all that time i spent trying to pour a damn rosetta leaf at the well pay off. i've been craving chocolate lately.

the job search sputters along. the people who know people who know people haven't really panned out. time work on the inertia. i don't know though. while this time is hard, i am finding it valuable also. i'm still figuring out how my time at regent has changed me (something i suspect will continue to unfold and take on more meaning as time passes) and i feel lucky to have time to make decisions about how my life will take shape as i move forward. and about that future life? a priority is having a pub to walk to and lift a few pints with friends. because i really miss that.

comings and goings

when it's ungodly hot here, the powers that be decree a "spare the air day." to further encourage us not to use our cars unecessarily, all public transportation is free. my brothers and i took the BART into the city. it's always so much cooler on the other side of the berkeley hills. the air conditioning doesn't work in my brother's old benz - driving on the freeway to the BART station (kind of defeats the purpose to sparing the air, i know) it felt like we were in an industrial clothes dryer. horrible.

the three of us wandered around the city, ate sandwiches in north beach, and walked down a side street into chinatown. tried to manuver through the chaotic scene on the narrow and crowded sidewalk. they were unloading the fish deliveries to all the little markets. you know, the ones that have several types of fried animals hanging in the windows? the fish are still alive when they get to those stores; they must come straight from the docks. i looked up in time to see a slight chinese woman raise a huge mallet and repeatedly club a snapper that must have been at least 3 feet long. i could see its gills fanning in a vain attempt for oxygen. they fluttered like butterfly wings. and then it didn't move anymore. i scooted down the street faster.

i realized that i don't really know where my food is coming from. how different and visceral to see an animal slaughtered in front of you before dinner, than picking up a saran wrapped package from the row upon row of plastic at the supermarket. when i was house sitting with the chickens, i felt the warmth of freshly laid egg. my dad grew up on a farm. he seems happiest when he's puttering around in the back yard. he and my brothers are building a zen garden. i, on the other hand, have a black thumb.

and another thing, where does my garbage go? we get one large recycling container here, all the paper, plastic, glass, and metal goes into it. that means someone, somewhere has to pick through all of it and sort it all out. i went to the dump in vancouver when we were moving out of our house to get rid of all this junk we had accumulated. it was profoundly disturbing place where all the workers wore gas mask and goggles and your eyes burned from stench in this enormous warehouse. and it wasn't even the final resting place for the city garbage. it was packed into mack trucks and taken god knows where, probably some garbage barge out on the fraser river or some landfill out in the boonies where we wouldn't have to look at it. it's probably the same here in california.

yet i don't think most of the people in blithe suburbia are concerned with these things. food appears on a plate. stuff goes in the garbage and away. it's very clean, very convenient, and very detached from the realities of life and death and decay.

if they don't win, it's a shame

another day, another a's game.

this time i went with my pal ashley. next to my brothers, i've seen most a's games with her. good times. there are a lot of thing i miss about vancouver, but this isn't one of them - i absolutely love being able to see pro baseball on a regular basis again. the a's lost today though - stupid orioles. since it was a day game and i wasn't freezing to death like i was the night before, i partook of a summer baseball staple - malted ice cream. note the wooden spoon - necessary for the authentic flavor experience. i know, i only take pictures of food and drink now. there a few things that feel more summery than kicking back in a stadium seat, with the sun shining down as you eat a chocolate malt and root root root for the home team. let's go oakland!

however, i may need to detox now after 2 days of stadium food. whatever, it was worth it. happy fatterday from me to you.

friday night lights

i went to an a's game with my bro tonight - he scored free tickets. that means i had nachos for dinner. mmm... liquid cheese. the a's won, and it was a fan appreciation night, so they let us on the field to watch a fireworks show. which was then followed by post game hot wings (cajun and hickory bbq flavors) at wing stop, a new establishment by the coliseum. a good way to pass a friday summer evening, a la fat friday nights with the kelleys and may '06 grilling/nacho month. mmm... fat.

"my cat's breath smells like cat food" - ralph wiggum

at some point early this morning i woke up to our rather large cat, bosco, sitting on my back. bizarre.

i'm taking a copy editing class at the uc berkeley extension. it starts next week. all in the name of marketability. i'm hoping it's not a complete waste of time. i had this really awesome english teacher in junior high who drilled grammar rules into my head so i feel like i've got a bit of a leg up in that area. we'll see. it might be fun. and as things continue to be up in the air, i may as well continue being a student.

my brother got a macbook pro for school. i am drooling with jealousy. at least apple is giving me a new battery so my computer doesn't burst into flames.

most boring post ever.

do not try this at home

i've tried to refrain from posting youtube videos, but this was just too amusing to pass up. this is the band okgo's video.
this post dedicated to jeff kelley, a casualty in the war on treadmills.

in summation

bro's apartment: check
mexican food:
check
beach visit: check

a complete trip to san diego.

$2 taco thursdays

the way we unwind after a day of apartment hunting.
the bro watches the u.s. open.
i drink an enormous beer.

"south of the border, down mexico way..."

well, when you've got a clear schedule (read: jobless), that's a fine time to take a road trip. especially when your parents give you a gas card and food money. don't suppose i'll ever outgrow that.

for the geographically challenged, the map on the left will help. san diego is known for its plentiful taquerias, where you can wear flip flops 365 days a year, being the home of annie lam, and not being los angeles. my bro is transferring to ucsd this fall and i'm helping him find an apartment. like telling him it's not such a great idea to move in with 3 girls and making him ask about how much the utilities are. mostly we've been on the quest for good tacos, yelled at each other about directions and seeing how long we can stand having the heater turned on full blast with the windows rolled up. these are typical road trip hijinks.

we're staying at my cousins' house. we just went on a late night run and i bought my first-ever bubble tea. i had what my brother had a mango milk tea with boba aka pearls. there are too many names for this stuff. somehow i have avoided this tasty asian treat (pictured at left. try it hot or cold!) the entire time i lived in vancouver. tapioca balls - euugh. i have texture issues with food, and the gummy cold pearls were kind of weird. but not as unpleasant as i thought it would be. probably not something i will be ordering a lot.

tomorrow it will be more of the same stuff, looking at places, wandering around campus, harrassing the housing coordinator. driving back up north on saturday. the routine will the return to: wake up at 11, walk to library, surf the web, work on job stuff, walk to peets, order iced latte, read, walk home, watch various reruns of many shows. plotting how to convince everyone i know to start composting.

behind the curve

i know a lot of america already knows this but grey's anatomy? so good. shamelessly tugs the heart strings in so many ways.

also? i have been watching a lot of tv. but you probably already knew that.

moments

i continue in limbo. surprisingly, i am not as anxious as i have been in times similar to this. this is not to say that i am not anxious, i would be crazy not to feel it to some extent.

i'd say i'm still getting acclimated to being home. not just with things like it being over 100 degress sometimes. i have to drive everywhere. the times i have chosen to walk downtown from my house, i am the only pedestrian i see, besides people walking to their cars. when i look up to the hills, they are a dry golden brown, instead of a lush green. the amount of consumption appalls me; the traffic jams of hundreds of people, a solitary occupant in each car. it irks me that people don't recycle the plastic cold cups from starbucks. i am tempted to become like a vancouver binner and go through the trash cans.

i watch families gear themselves up for the school year. people here are too busy. they forget the there is a choice involved in what activities they undertake. it's all "keeping up with the joneses." gotta get into college, gotta do these extracurricular activities, gotta make mortgage payments, have good cars, look like the perfect family. i feel the pull and resist.

there are moments of blessing as i wait and think and consider my surroundings.
playing bocce ball in the backyard with a 5 year old, who cheats by taking a few steps closer EVERY TIME
glorious reunions with youth group kids, who are all a lot taller than me now
lingering lunches with old and wise friends
going to free concerts in record stores with my brothers

a convergence of images

scratching an itch that isn't there

sometimes you don't know you miss something until it's not there anymore. today i watched my friend register her kids for school, starting up next week. and i realized how different my time is now. the school schedule easily follows the seasons. time is sharply delineated: in the summer i have nothing to do; in the fall i have to start reading and once winter gets into full swing i am writing papers like crazy. that kind of routine. only now i'm not registering for classes, a habit from the last 3 years. and while i enjoy that freedom, i miss it a bit too.

little things like that strike a nerve of homesickness. out of the corner of my eye, i'll see someone that looks like someone i went to school with. or i'm watching a tv show and i realize that it is filmed in vancouver because of the mountain range in the background. i find myself watching the scenery more closely than the show itself, to see if i can figure out exactly where they are filming. i was the same way about shows or movies in washington dc - a strong sense of connectedness and nostalgia. back here in danville; i've been so used to driving to my friend katie's house since high school, i'm pretty sure i could find my way there with my eyes closed. what are places that feel like home to you?

old mcdonald had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

a momentous occasion

today, sienna kelley has been on the earth for 1 year. i, for one, am glad she is around. because it's just so darned fun to play with, shop for and take pictures of her. leave a comment here, or click here to send her some birthday love. happy birthday, girl! you're awesome.

you know what sucks?

waiting 4 days for the avocados i bought to ripen. i couldn't wait anymore, and cut into one that felt ripe today and discovered that it still wasn't totally ripe. i hate that. and i really want to make guacamole. blech.

on being a techie of a minor degree

while housesitting, i have a charger for my

-computer
-ipod
-phone
-toothbrush
-camera


no joke. i don't really "need" these things, but it's so "convenient" to have them.
what the heck.

summer nights

i almost drove off the road last night when i saw the moon. i forgot how the moon could be here, at this time of year. huge and golden, low in the sky, it seemed like i could just drive to the moon. when i think of summer, this is the vision that goes with it. made me believe that anything could happen.

foolishly, i always thought it was the harvest moon. silly suburban californian kid that i am. harvest moons are in the fall. i looked it up. there's a name for every full moon during the year. august is the corn moon. a slightly less cool name than i had hoped. oh well.

playing the waiting game here. which i'm mostly okay with, up to a point. gilmore girl reruns help.

funky chicken

time i spent unsuccessfully trying to corral one stubborn young chicken: the better part of 1 hour

time peyton, a seven year-old boy, spent catching said chicken upon arriving home: 3 seconds

one serving of humble pie, served up hot.

reversal of fortune

with every change, for good or ill, there is a loss involved. i remember how excited (and freaked out) i was three years ago, when i moved up to vancouver. i was moving somewhere new, facing new challenges, and looking forward to growing. at the same time, i was terribly sad to leave relationships and surroundings that were incredibly wonderful and formative for me.

three years... seems like the blink of an eye and an eternity at the same time. and i find myself feeling the same feelings, only now i miss vancouver (which hits me at odd times, usually when i'm watching tv and i realize that the show was filmed in vancouver because i can see the familiar mountains in the background) and the relationships there. i suppose i'm feeling it more keenly now, as the dust settles here and i realize that i'm hoping to stay around the bay area. the scenery is familiar, but i am feeling out how things have subtly changed here and how i have changed. this will come at me from odd angles and unexpected ways.

the language is different; perhaps not the big words from theological school, yet the underlying concerns, thoughts and needs are the same. sometimes i wonder why i had to go to vancouver and spend a lot of money while others seem to be learning the same things i have without going anywhere. but i rejoice to see that the kingdom of god is breaking in everywhere and that i don't feel totally alien to what is going on. and i look forward to connecting more and to living out what i have learned, once the details of my life have been filled in a bit. my loathing for cover letters grows each day.

in the meantime, i got a glimpse of everyday family life when my friends were home briefly between trips. rather than go home and then come back to housesit again a few days later, they invited me to stay with them. so i found myself on several mornings eating cereal with a seven year old boy who was clad only in boxer briefs, having my hair braided, and shopping for school supplies. i have a renewed and deeper respect for parents, especially after the trip to the mall for backpacks and new shoes. exhausting.

golden

today is the last day in my 20s. tomorrow is my golden birthday: 30 on the 30th! i'm looking forward to turning 30. to being more settled, being more at home in my own skin. anyway, that's what i'm hoping will happen. for me, the 20s were full of jangly nerves, fear of uncertainty and failure, and all the sorts of neuroses that plague you as you make your way into the world. not to say that they've gone away, i think i'm just familiar with them now, and can put them in their place. i find this upcoming decade to be full of possiblity, not the onset of old age. tomorrow i shall go to santa cruz with friends, ride the giant dipper (which i rode 4 times in 30 minutes with camp staff during 60 cent ride night for my 25th birthday. one of my favorite birthdays ever) and visit camp.

i am prevented from having a party shindig for the same reason as ever; it's summer and everyone is on vacation and spread out over the country. at least this time around, i didn't have to get lumped together on a cake with all the other summer birthdays at the end of the school year. in addtion, this allows me to spread out the celebrations. dinner with the fam wednesday night, lunch with a mentor-type on thursday, ice cream and a kick ass mexican food dinner with another mentor-type friend and her family last night. i'm milking this for all it's worth.

it's good to be home; i love patronizing some of my old haunts, walking in familiar neighborhoods. why, just on the way to this coffee shop, i passed one of the bars i went to on my 21st birthday. we got kicked out when i let one of my underage friends have a sip of my beer. my first beer, so the decision to share was not based on drunkeness, but rather naivete. silly. but i can say i got kicked out of a bar and seem as if i am somewhat dangerous/belligerent, for whatever that is worth.

rent on thursday night was pretty cool. the characters lost some of their mythic stature for me; as my friend bryce sang his heart out as roger, i couldn't help but remember him when he was in junior high and i was taller than him. those days are long ago. anyway, it was a great production. and a few of us waited outside the stage door trying not to look too much like groupies. the cast seems so much larger than life on stage; i was surprised to be standing eye to eye with the guy who played mark; and we walked with them to the BART station. the guy who played tom collins nearly jumped on me when a small hot doggy dog scuttled past us on the dingy city street, fleeing its owner; he thought it was a large rat.

some of the circumstances of rent seem dated now; the diagnosis of HIV positive is not the immediate death sentence that is was then. or is it? i wonder if the reality of AIDS is something we are just desensitized to now. still, as in many of the musicals i have seen, the yearning for connection and significance comes through with a clearness and and poignancy that takes one's breath away.

the chickens are turning on each other. it is quite annoying; perhaps they miss their owners. in the meantime, i do an easter bunny act and bestow fresh eggs on grateful friends.

well at the risk of inciting stalkers, but if you would like to send me cards/gifts/monetary donations/a pony for my birthday
send them to...

9 0 9 R i c h a r d Ln
D a n v i l l e CA 9 4 5 2 6

"that's where the leprechaun lives. he tells me to burn things." ralph wiggum

praise the lord, it's only 83 degrees today. i can go outside without feeling like i'm an ant under a magnifying glass.

i am re-learning the difference between being an introvert and being a hermit. only talking to chickens for a few days makes me kind of weird. especially when the chickens seem to like attacking each other. it is good to have lunch with a wise and encouraging friend and going to see rent tonight in the city. those that live in the bay area refer to san francisco as "the city." never, never ever refer to it as "frisco." "san fran," perhaps. but never frisco. perhaps it is too much like "crisco." ew.

also re-learning that getting a job isn't so much what you know, but who you know. thus, my friend carol today introduced me to a woman with experience in the publishing world, who in turn will introduce me to another woman she worked with who has more direct experience in editing. i'll have my people call your people. and so on. good to take stock of things and refocus my energies. and to have face to face contact with people as opposed to the face-to-computer-screen interaction i have had lately.

one of these sundays i will stalk anne lamott at her church in marin. if only to tell her how much i love her books, much less pump her for job advice. in the small christian world anyway, there's bound to be somone at church here that knows someone who knows her. that's much preferable to stalking her. less chance of a restraining order.

i read memoirs of a geisha in the 2 days i was immoblized in the heat. 2 thumbs up. daring to take up the pen again to write, after a much needed hiatus from writing for several months.

the rhythm of social interaction is much different from school. it's so centralized there, especially since there's only one building for classes. schedules are more flexible, with periods of down time or procrastination. back in non-academic life, my friends are spread out over the bay area. they have more rigid schedules (except for my teaching friends). there is a larger degree of intentionality involved, less crossing of paths by chance. searching for a routine. missing living on one street with friends.

respite

hey it's only like 90 degrees today. much cooler. bizarre to say that.

i think i'm tanner than i have been in the past 3 years up in vancouver. it's not that i'm outside more under direct sunlight, but more like i have been slowly baked to a crisp like in an oven. i think i've been averaging drinking 3-4 full nalgenes a day. (how you like that for a water challenge, katie brown?)

the temperature dominates my thoughts and activities (or lack thereof). even with this current heat wave that is causing power outages, my main impression of californians upon my return is that they know little of hardship from the weather. it's just written on their faces and laidback manner. not necessarily a bad thing, it's just interesting to notice after being away.

the chickens are funny, though not great conversation partners. they are not as agile as i had previously thought chickens to be, and are pretty easy to catch, with the minimum of squawking and flapping. i don't know how rocky had such a hard time catching them in the movie.

i continue writing bland cover letters and polishing my resume. there's this secret code language to these things that i have never learned very well. you know, using words like "supervise" and "implement" or whatever. blech.

hot damn

110 degrees. double dammit.

damn

107 degrees. dammit.

hot time, summer in the city

so, i'm living in the US, in california and in the suburbs. kind of a triple whammy of excess, car dependence, and consumerism. i miss walking everywhere, though i'm sure if i tried that right now, i'd evaporate before i got a mile.
i wonder how i will hold true to my values and things i learned at regent and manage to get by. because those things seem at odds a lot. then i read this article. and it gave me some measure of hope here in the suburban wasteland.

wandered around with the bros in san francisco and in berkeley today courtesy of BART - all fares are free on designated Spare the Air days. it's at least 15 degrees cooler on that side of the hills. berkeley is pretty close to being my favorite place on earth.

off to hang out with the chickens tomorrow. visualize the scene in rocky when mick forces him to chase chickens as a part of his training. but not until after i watch the time trial of the tour de france. go floyd go.

still hot hot hot

today i rode a razor scooter to the neighborhood pool. i looked like hansel from zoolander. "that's hansel - he's so hot right now."
i borrowed it from my little friend kyle; he rode his bike. we went with his brother garrett and their mom marybeth. i've known both of the boys since they were teeny, and their mom since i was in high school and she was my youth group leader. it's fun to be spending time with them again. not to mention that it was amazing to jump in the water.

it's not that i don't like how warm it is. it's that i've become a total wimp from living farther north. guess i'll go out and eat 30 burritos with fresh guacamole tomorrow. don't laugh - i could totally do that.

a sight i will never get tired of for as long as i live: watching the fog roll over the hills into town. it means the end of the heat wave... i'm still waiting for it to arrive.

hot hot hot

i repeat, it is too hot to live. my mom passes most afternoons by going to the library because it is airconditioned there. i went once but i had to fight for a plug for my laptop. not so fun.

passing the time with a fierce tetris rivalry with my brother. i currently have the upper hand, with a score of 171227. yes! he always beats me, which makes me angry.

fortunately i am housesitting starting this weekend, so i can be more productive. whenver i am in my parents house, i fall into the black hole in front of the tv for hours at a time. i have watched more of the tour de france than i ever have in my life. at least i picked an exciting year to watch it. anyway, i'll be watering plants, reading on the patio, and taking care of 6 chickens. 3 full grown hens, and 3 baby chicks. looking forward to some good rest and reflection. barbecue party at "my" house this weekend. i'll even fry an egg on the sidewalk for you.

what's grosser than gross?

in this corner:
the kfc bowl: a generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, sweet kernel corn, bite size pieces of all-white meat crispy chicken, topped with our homestyle gravy and 3-cheese blend.
and in this corner...
the taco bell crunch wrap supreme:
a warm soft flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef warm nacho cheese sauce, a crunchy tostada shell, cool sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes and the wrapped up and grilled for maximum portability.


when did "maximum portability" become acceptable words to describe food?
maybe i've been watching too much tv, but that shit is just WRONG. can i get an amen?

kick off your sunday shoes

something guaranteed to make you smile even after you have to start your job search all over again: seeing footloose the musical performed by a bunch of 12-14 year olds. my friend's roomate runs a summer kids theater company and this was their production. i was quite impressed with their production. i mean, they are young enough to even have missed when the 80s was retro cool.

update: when i got home that night, what was on tv? that's right, footloose the movie. best day ever.

sad

i like to think that i'm not ruled by money. but when i sat down to calculate my budget with the offered salary, it became very apparent that it was not very wise financially to take this job. i kept thinking about it and tinkering with different scenarios, and it just wasn't coming up any way that made me feel better. and i had to turn it down.
now all that is left is for me to sit here and second guess myself.

sigh

negotiations still in process. this ordinary life stuff is kind of hard.

however, i have rekindled my addiction to tetris.

in process...

well, it looks like i'm going to be a michigander. okay, i can't believe i just typed that. my head is spinning. i know that all five of you that read this blog have been waiting in anticipation of the verdict.

the visit went well, and i enjoyed the city of grand rapids. it has midwestern charm. not that i actually know what that is. i experienced more hospitality and explored the town a bit, and had a cheddar dog at yesterdog. (picture forthcoming, nate and dave)

the company itself is small, family run and independent. which has its advantages and disadvantages. but overall, i was excited about the job.

i am in salary negotiations. what the heck? i don't really know what i'm doing. other than make them make the first offer. so i guess once that's all straightened out (if anyone has any advice about this stuff that would be great. i've ben looking up cost of living stuff and all that and it only makes a little bit of sense to me. say, lower cost of living there = lower salary. i'm trying to understand if i can live off the salary i will most likely be offered. this stuff really makes me feel nauseated.)

here i go again

july 4th was overstimulating. i haven't seen such fervor, well, since the last 4th of july i was in america. besides that, i had a good time catching up with more old friends. we drove to santa cruz, one of my favorite places on earth. ponderosa lodge is full of wonderful and crazy memories. going there makes me take a deep breath and relax. it was needed.

i'm going to michigan tomorrow. MICHIGAN! TOMORROW! insane. job interview craziness. the rest of my life appears to be happening, a lot faster than i like.

waiting to exhale

well...
i have been home for approximately 5 days. in that time i have managed to

go to an a's game. they lost to the diamondbacks. the diamondbacks, people! atrocious.






go to a wedding in napa. beautiful. fun. lots of old fun friends to catch up with. lots of parents of friends that i haven't seen since high school, who after giving me the parental 3rd degree about my life, then proceed to get sloshed and freaky on the dance floor. now, that's just weird.

get into a disagreement with my dad. this is par for the course. hopefully i will learn not to react with my teenager reflexes. "i hate you and i wish i'd never bee born!" well, i didn't really say that, but it was in the same spirit. sigh.


eat mexican food twice in one day. i know you're jealous. so so so so good.

i am still quite overwhelmed and wondering how to find a quiet and refreshing moment in the midst of all this. tomorrow is the 4th of july and i don't know how i will handle the uber patriotism. especially coming from understated canada. oh canada, how i miss your general apathy. last night i went to church and the first thing i saw was the welcoming power point slide with the american flag on it. yikes. and, after attending an anglican church off and on for the past few months, the electrically powered worship band was a bit much. i feel like rip van winkle, unfrozen caveman, or a reawakened coma patient, take your pick. so many buildings, and cars, hey look, the mall!! the mall simultaneously lures me to buy things and my skin crawl at the same time. holding to my principles becomes a bit unrealistic. for example, i have to find health care. dare i sell out to the man and get a job at starbucks the corporate giant simply because they include benefits? how am i to survive? it seems wrong to me that health care should be beyond what people can afford. canada, i miss your socialist ideals and multi-colored currency. i want to scream when i see how much people are throwing away here, and feel powerless to stop them.

right, so i have a bit of culture shock. i am prepared for more. tomorrow i shall catch up with an old camp friend and go to said camp. conservative evangelicalism ... i will probably be holding my tongue on more than one occasion. on thursday i shall be going to grand rapids, MICHIGAN to see about a job. big doings going on. currently still undecided about this whole business.

people that have been emailing me: i will personally email you soon. my brain hurts.