we fear change

once in high school, when my friend jamie was asking for some quarters so he could use the soda machine or something. i dramatically responded, "change? we fear change!" which cracked him up. and he still mooched the buck off me. later, i went to senior prom with him. because we were friends and he laughed at my jokes.

seriously, a sign should be hung around my neck that says "does not deal well with change." whenever something does i deal by going to sleep for a long time. it's just a necessarry part of the process for me. i get cranky when i don't. i end up looking something like a little kid when he's so tired, he can't go to sleep, so just bawls a lot and then suddenly passes out while still crying and hyperventilating. i watched this baby do that a few weeks ago when i was babysitting - it's quite a fascinating phenomenon. how can one fall asleep while screaming at the top of one's lungs at the same time?

so i become narcoleptic ("i've always wanted to try soup but was afraid of drowning.") and i forget things. like going grocery shopping. or writing on the blog. although i know only like 5 people read this thing. sometimes i check the blog out, expecting to see something new, as if someone else would write on it, or i'd have written something and had forgotten about i had. why yes, i am slightly insane.

though i believe as i invite more chaos into my life, i will also invite more fullness more "real life" into my life. and if sometimes that involves me feeling like a kid freaking out, well, okay then. better than not feeling anything at all i think. at least i'll have more interesting things to write about.