if you don't stop and look around, you might miss it

lots of life is happening right now. it's good; it's just that none of it is particularly easy to handle.

yesterday i was at the burger place across the street from my school. i was starving and stressed out. i wanted to escape the four walls of my school prison for a little while. i sat in the window soaking in the sun and tried to relax as i waited for my burger.

the two women at the next table weren't of the usual university/working crowd that populated the joint. they were older. the larger woman was wearing a huge pair of glasses, and an unflattering polyester maroon dress. her hair was pulled back in a severe bun. the other woman was in sweatpants and a windbreaker. her hair hung limply around her face. she had bright purple eyeshadow on, and had penciled on some crazy eyebrows. i thought, "how can people dress themselves like this? ugh." half the time i see awkward people my heart breaks for them and the other half of the time, i treat them with scorn. maybe it's more like 60-40. or 30-70.

i returned to my own troubled thoughts and spread out my papers across the table. i was exhausted and my head was so full of stuff though that i couldn't concentrate on the words. i mainly just stared out the window, brow furrowed.

when i retrieved my order and sat down to eat, i saw that the maroon lady was also looking out the window. her friend looked at her concernedly. "are you crying?" she continued to stare out the window. tears trickled out from under her glasses. i turned away, not wanting to eavesdrop. suddenly, my problems seemed smaller.

i finished my burger and stood up. i steeled myself to re-enter the fray of life. as i passed their table, the eyebrow lady looked up at me and touched my arm. "i just wanted to say 'good luck' to you."
"what?" i asked, startled.
"good luck on your school assignment. you look so worried." she smiled.
"oh... well, thank you!" i really meant it.

humbling. grace and peace come from unlikely places. can i keep my heart open to receive it when it is offered?

sigh

this morning when i left for school it was snowing.
then it rained for a while.
then the sun came out in the afternoon.
then it hailed about 20 minutes ago.
now it's raining again.

for my thoughts on this, see previous post.
kind of wishing to be somewhere besides here.

a small demand

it needs to be spring. now.

geek alert

i have taken to playing online literati, a scrabble-type word game with my youngest brother david.
he's beaten me everytime so far, which is galling because 1) i hate losing 2) i'm pretty good at word games.
it's really pissing me off.

it's almost as bad as the christmas when he and i played super mario tennis on the nintendo 64 for three days and he beat me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

that still makes me mad.

special

this post is dedicated to loyal and heretofore unknown blog reader gordon tisher. hi gordon!

your wife andrea is really cool.

any other readers want to make themselves known? i'll be nice to you.

and another thing i like about vancouver is...

ultimate frisbee.

i learned how to play ultimate frisbee up here in vancouver. three years now of playing on an intramural team for regent against other ubc students. they are younger and faster and sometimes really hungover but still faster (i hate it when that happens).

i could barely throw a frisbee when i started. and i'm still kind of shaky at it, but it's been really fun to learn. and when it's not snowing, but a sunny afternoon, i could play it forever. i can catch though, and am perfectly willing to sacrifice my body on the hard ground going after the disc.

we won today. i got muddied up good and i like that.

things i like in vancouver

well, seeing as how i might not be a resident of vancouver for much longer, i thought i'd reflect on some things i have appreciated about this place that has been my home. we'll see if i make this a regular thing.

I appreciate the vancouver public transit.

i know, "public" and "transit" are practically dirty words in american vocabulary. at the very least they are associated with those poor saps who can't afford cars. this is especially true in california. i practically lived in my car there.

anyway, flashback to my first days as a resident of canada (if you've been watching as much veronica mars as i have, this is where we'd cue a flashy effect and everything would be backlight in a hazy blue light. veronica mars rocks. cue catchy theme music too while were at it.) back to the story. i'm fresh-faced and excited about my new digs. it's the second day of orientation and i am psyched to be at regent. after finishing my business at the bank, i walk out the door to the bus stop. a bus pulls up right away, while i am still about 30 feet away (or 18 meters. conversion is probably incorrect) i'm walking towards the bus, so i start to pick up the pace because i figure it would be rude to make them wait as i saunter up. as i break into an easy jog (so as to not appear overly anxious) i take two steps and trip on the uneven sidewalk by the roots of this tree.

i didn't just fall. I was in the midst of picking up my momentum so i went ass over tea kettle (or head over heels, whichever you prefer). and ended up in a sitting position somehow. i fell pretty hard. and in full view of most of the people on the bus. shaken, but not stirred, i stood up quickly and stepped onto the bus, flashing my bus pass. the bus driver asked, "are you okay?" i was mostly embarrassed, and I mumbled something about being more awake. I looked down at my right hand and saw that it was gashed up pretty good. "oops." i mumbled. i hadn't even felt it until i saw it.

i started to move to find a seat, but then the bus driver pulled out his backpack from behind the chair and unzipped a pocket. he pulled out a bandaid and an alcohol wipe. I started to thank him and held out my hand to take them from him. but he tore open the wipe and asked to see my hand. he examined my hand and began to gingerly swab it, removing the gravel bits in my cut. i started to protest, as the passengers are just sitting there staring at me in silence. but he ignored me, and the fact that during this time 2 following buses had stopped and already pulled away. embarrassed by his kindness, and the many staring eyes, i shyly called out "sorry," to the rest of the bus. no response.

after a final push of pressure on the bleeding, the driver went on to put the bandaid for me. most of this transaction had taken place in silence. i thanked him again and sat down. and we drove to school.

i can't think of any other places that this would occur. certainly not in the places that i've lived before. i think it was a way for me to learn that i was in a good place.

reading week

reading week: it's never long enough.
work: it's always too much.

chickenfoot

before you keep reading you should know that there aren't any pictures of sienna in this post. both of her genetic contributors are in it though.

if you're wondering about the title, it's a dominoes term. say it with a tone of disgust, such as "OOOOH! Chickenfoot!" played an "old man" type of game the other night with housemates and friends. it was fun.

what makes everything more fun? crazy hats.
victory is made sweeter for lara in this furry mad bomber hat.
(these are my hats by the way. i own a lot of useless crap just for times like this)
(a christmas gift from my brother. apparently he thinks i live in the yukon)

jeff kelley: husband. father. patriot.
seen here singing "proud to be an american."
(this hat was from a gift exchange with my cousins. in case you can't see it, that's an eagle and american flag on the beanie. it was bought at a liquor store)

how many babies can you fit in a tote bag?

answer: one. and it's pretty darn cute when you do.

here's one with lara, sienna's mom. it was her idea to do this.


this brings the kelley family photo count to:
sienna: 9
lara: 2
jeff: 2

i realize that i run the danger of only putting pictures of sienna here on the blog. it's hard to resist. plus i'm a total cheeseball.

baby, it's cold outside

yeah, definitely saw little snowflakes coming down while we played ultimate frisbee yesterday. my hands were so numb that i couldn't get them to work so i could put my hair into ponytails. we lost both games. bummer. but it was the first frisbee we'd played since last november. i like to play in the mud though. the cold, not so much.

that's just wrong.

on other fronts, it is reading break. i am amazed that i've made it this far into the semester. even while i am inundated with work, and my motivation/stamina wanes, i am wondering how to "finish well" at regent. the summer school brochures came out last week, and it was odd not to be picking out classes from it. in fact, i haven't even looked the thing over. it took me a while to become a student again, and now i am going to have to figure out how to be a regular person again soon. i have mixed feelings about this.

of course, i still have to graduate first, and there are many miles to go before i sleep.

on a personal level, i am wondering how to do the same thing with the relationships i have formed here. i have been mulling this over since the semester has begun and i have few answers. time is a fleeting thing. and i really hate goodbyes. sigh.

turtle fever

it's catching on everywhere. or at least its being forced on to children who have no way of defending themselves. someday she'll thank me.

turtle power

boys that are friends

this is my buddy dave. it was his 25th birthday yesterday. he sure is friendly looking, isn't he?

but get a few drinks in him and he likes to fight large animals.

this is steve and dave. it wasn't either of their birthdays but i didn't want them to feel left out. plus, singing in a piano bar to a room full off people ignoring them is what they like to do when they've had a few drinks in them. classic.

fatter-day night fever

Lisa: How do you feel? What's inside you right now?
Nelson: Guts... and black stuff... and about fifty Slim Jims.

the binging continues.
with lara and jeff, we consumed 36 hot wings of varying flavors, a "mighty" order of fries, a deep fried snickers bar, 3 nectarine ciders, a beer and salad (you know, because we're watching what we eat). community at its finest.
i'm going to pass out now.

mmmm... sleep

saw this poem quoted in an article by Lauren Winner, concerning sleep.

I don't like the man who doesn't sleep,
says God.
Sleep is the friend of man,
Sleep is the friend of God.
Sleep is perhaps the most beautiful thing
I have created.
And I myself rested on the seventh day. …
But they tell me that there are men
Who work well and sleep badly.
Who don't sleep. What a lack of
confidence in me.
- Charles Peguy, French poet

For the full article, which was eerily appropriate to my life at the moment, click here.

in deep...

i thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday. i blathered on about how i was this close to getting the assault rifle out, and actually told al (our custodian) "don't worry al, i'll kill you last." clearly delusional. because he is a wise man, al just laughed and gave me a hug. he is also bringing me a batch of his wife's cookies because of his own delusion that the seattle seahawks would win the super bowl.

if you ever want to know how long my attention span is for intense single-minded creativity before i start to lose my mind, it is approximately 1.5 months. i think i am now beginning to understand how one suffers for one's art. and also the statement that writing is easy, all you have to do is sit down and open a vein.

i haven't been sleeping, or eating well. i haven't seen anyone besides my housemates, really, lately. i've been writing or reading or writing or trying to sleep but staring at the ceiling, and writing. it makes for a weird kind of life. and it seemed to come to a head yesterday after being sick and finally tackling some harder things for me to write about. there are always tell-tale signs, that i was running myself into the ground. i was just choosing to ignore them until i had run myself into the ground.

luckily, or providentially, i have an observant and caring friend who made sure i ate a good meal (red burrito: 7 of 10 stars), bought me gelato and beer (consumed seperately), and made me go to sleep at 10:15 last night, whether i liked it or not. weird to realize how hard it is to let another person take care of me - i was too tired to put up any fight. an enforced sabbath evening. why, i almost feel like a human being again! instead of a remorseless killing machine.

the most funny part of the evening was getting gelato. upon discovering that they only took cash, i was left standing there with two large gelato cones while sara dashed home to get money. i sat in the window and morosely ate my frutti di bosco, even that activity was exhausting to me. i didn't realize how ridiculous i looked until this stranger asked me if i was hungry. it felt good to laugh.

it's back to the grindstone. but with a better perspective this time. and more awareness of when i'm lagging. and with greater appreciation of rest.

because i have nothing better to do...

see the worst thing about not being able to sleep is that it's just freaking boring.

so, here's 720 - another game that i loved when i was a kid that took away many of my quarters.
SKATE OR DIE! seriously, a swarm of bees that would come kill you? come on.

awake... sort of

apparently, some of the symptoms of my semi-illness are:
shortened attention span - have been unable to focus on studies.
mild narcolepsy - i slept from 6-9 pm this evening.

now i am wide awake, ridden with guilt and worry over school work. well not ridden. maybe semi-worried. or something. ugh. i hate feeling this way.

someone hit me over the head with something, please.

that is all.

sunday night, it's all right

feeling a cold or some kind of illness coming on. trying to fight it off. i think vitamin c is coming out of my pores.

i'm starting to forget what it's like to be with large groups of people. such is thesis mode. although i was walking home from school, after meeting with my advisor. as i thought over the meeting and the writing pieces we were working on, i was cracking myself up. that's a very good thing.

just a few more essays left! gotta dig deep to find the motivation and creativity.

one more video game nostalgia tidbit:
up up down down a b b a = 30 lives

correction:
up up down down left right left right a b b a = 30 lives

thanks alex.