sigh

spring is here. wearing my flip-flops. it is very good.

starting to pack up and get stuff ready to send home to california with my parents. their house is a stable point in the midst of all my wanderings. once i settle somewhere else, i'll pick it up, and they can begin to reclaim their garage. i had a bit of a moment today as i ran some errands. i could be hormonal, or sentimental, or whatever, it's just what i do. i was walking to the hardware store, and i just relished the fact that i have lived in this little neighborhood of west point grey for 3 years. that's the longest i've lived in one place since i lived in DC.

i love being able to walk to the butcher, and to the hardware store where the people there are always cheerily helpful. i love knowing where to get my produce, and kick back for some beers with pals, and that the bakery down the street has these amazing chili chocolate cookies that the swiss-trained baker made. that the nearby park is where i showed my professors kids how funny it is to run while you're dizzy. my friends live three houses over and i can run over with bare feet. good memories.

well, well, well

if only i could amuse myself as easily as this.

i turned in my last paper 9 days ago. my last day at the well was 7 days ago. since then, my days have been mostly structureless. i don't even know what the date is - that's something new. it has been rather nice, i've caught up on sleep. i wake up in the morning without this overwhelming pressure to get somewhere and get something done that has been the state of my life for the past 8 months. is it weird that a small part of me misses that? i think it is, a little bit.

i'm watching a lot of felicity. had some drinks with some friends. trying to just soak in vancouver, and not work so hard at trying to relax. allowing my brain to turn to mush. giving myself a break before i plunge into the job search. that kind of stuff. got a big stack of books to read and not have to write papers about.

it is finished.

4:32 p.m.

crankin'

1 paper down.
1 whopper of a paper to go. probably 6-8 pages left on it.

then it's nothing but felicity reruns, beer, video games, four square and really any other kind of trouble that i can come up with. besides the trouble that i've already come up with.

having a beer with dane at school after he finished his comprehensive exams.
a few days later, smoking cigarillos with dan at school and looking surly for no good reason

probably building this girl more sofa forts in a few days. because what's better than a good sofa fort? let me tell you: not much.

Happy Easter!

He is risen!

Slightly sacreligious, but also nicely brings together the bunny and candy thing with the Jesus thing.

i'm beginning to see the light...

still working away at papers. i think i've got a handle on them now, which is better than how i felt about them earlier this week. still a ways to go, but it now seems doable.

it's kind of lame to be in the middle of all this stuff during holy week. i haven't set aside any time to really think about this week and what it means.

i do write about easter in my paper though. humor has the power to be subversive. many times what we laugh at is something incongruous, something that sets the normal order of life upside down. and what set the powers that be more upside down, what could be more incongruous than the fact that jesus rose again? when i saw the movie the passion, and the camera panned on to jesus' face as the stone rolled away and the light flowed in, i wanted him to laugh. i thought, at that moment, the laughter of joy, of relief was more appropriate there than at any other point in time ever. easter is a joyful time. laughter and humor has its place in it.

i did drag myself out of bed on thursday morning to go to a maundy thursday service at school. 6:30 in the a.m. i was asked to help serve communion (my second time, after doing it at chapel - i'm getting to be an expert). and who did i serve communion with? none other than j.i. packer, esteemed theologian and author of knowing god. i know that all who approach the table are equal, but holy cow man, that's ji packer standing next to me holding the bread, and i was holding the wine. it was kind of cool. all the more amusing since my friends and i had all started reading knowing god in college and as far as i know, we're all still reading it. yeah, it's been going on like 8 years now.

more thoughts on serving communion itself later. like real ones, not groupie ones.

wrapping up

last chapel of the school term was today. and, barring some bizarre circumstance (like me suddenly deciding to do a ThM degree... the horror!) it's the last chapel for me as a student. still working through the feelings and thoughts about this transition.

i think about the people i have been so blessed to know during my time here. i feel like we are comrades-in-arms. veterans seasoned by battles of the academic, spiritual, and relational. perhaps many feel this way after pursuing advanced degrees. who came up with this academic system anyway? probably some crazy dead greek guy. but for this particular time, particular place, i am glad for the particular others who were with old particular me.

yep. being mushy. it's been coming out more as i realize that the "lasts" are passing. last chapel. last soup. last blasted et cetera issue. last whatever. even in the middle of the last papers that JUST WON"T DIE, i am trying to enjoy and appreciate these things. even the DAMN PAPERS themselves.

just wait until after tuesday. then the real fun begins. gotta love the short times of little to no responsiblity.
more sentimentality later.

still in it

come tuesday of next week, hell or high water, i will be finished with school. between me and that blessed long-awaited day stand 2 research papers and a personal essay. in all of my academic years, i have never quite figured out how to write 2 papers at the same time. some prioritizing is necessary. of course if i were able to write papers early, then i wouldn't have gotten into this predicament. coulda, shoulda, woulda. whatever.

the reading went really well. better than i thought it would have. but in my neurotic mind i imagined that all of my jokes would have fallen with a thud. seriously, how have i gotten by in life without driving myself completely insane? fortunately i have surrounded myself with people who are endlessly encouraging and think i'm hilarious. i was surprisingly calm the whole day of the reading. i didn't get nervous until lara and sienna and i drove to school. then i wanted to hide. i couldn't take people staring at me or asking if i was ready. so i hid behind the stairwell until maxine waved me over.

i sat in the chair before the microphone said a few things (this was the part that worried me the most actually). then i started to read. and it was really fun. people laughed loud and long. hearing them laugh felt as warm as the afternoon sun that came streaming through the windows.

if anything, this reading and this project has been another affirmation of how i write, and how i see the world. and that is no small thing.

"And the day came when the the risk [it took] to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

and for my next trick...

a little retail therapy at the book sale. this here's my summer reading. really looking forward to reading extensively for pleasure.

my reading is in 3 days. i am calm about it, mostly because i have done very little prep as of yet. i can't really bring myself to do the final edits. or to think through the order of my reading, what i'd like to say there, and so on. i mean, i'll do it by tomorrow afternoon, but only because i'm meeting with my advisor and i've learned to be prepared for her. what's the deal with my reluctance? well, i'll tell you.

i've worked three years for this. and very intensely over the past 4 months. it's been a monkey on my back, the thing that has ruled my life. on one hand i'm ready to be done with it and not look at it again for a while because i'm so sick of looking at the same words. on the other hand, i don't really want to let go of it yet, for the same reasons - it's been such a familiar influence on my thoughts and my days. i have loved writing, have always loved it. so i'm dragging my feet. i don't want to let go because the inevitable, inescapable question arises "what next?" and i don't have the foggiest idea. so stop asking me.

of more immediate concern is that i'm about to read my intensely personal writing, in my very own voice in front of my peers. i don't do that very often. at least on the blog or on paper, there's some distance between me and the reader. like throwing a grenade or something. this time i'm holding it - or something. the metaphor breaks down pretty easily. and no matter how many times i do it, it still makes me ulcerous. of course there are worse places i could do this - say, in front of strangers. i am thankful to have the chance to share this with many friends and the community that has supported, challenged and changed me. it'll be a good time of celebration and joy. that makes me happy.

there will always be stories to tell.

suck it up

goodness. trying to dredge some energy for the final push in the last few weeks of school. it's big week this week, with my reading, which alternately excites and nauseates me. then a few papers and that's it. i'll have done what i came to regent to do. crazy.
a bittersweet time. definitely have a sense of accomplishment and am so grateful for those who have supported me on the way. also sad to leave this community. though some days i am a lot more ready to get the heck out. and of course, i have no idea what i am moving on to. the calendar is blank after may 1.
i hate change.