Monday, April 03, 2006

and for my next trick...

a little retail therapy at the book sale. this here's my summer reading. really looking forward to reading extensively for pleasure.

my reading is in 3 days. i am calm about it, mostly because i have done very little prep as of yet. i can't really bring myself to do the final edits. or to think through the order of my reading, what i'd like to say there, and so on. i mean, i'll do it by tomorrow afternoon, but only because i'm meeting with my advisor and i've learned to be prepared for her. what's the deal with my reluctance? well, i'll tell you.

i've worked three years for this. and very intensely over the past 4 months. it's been a monkey on my back, the thing that has ruled my life. on one hand i'm ready to be done with it and not look at it again for a while because i'm so sick of looking at the same words. on the other hand, i don't really want to let go of it yet, for the same reasons - it's been such a familiar influence on my thoughts and my days. i have loved writing, have always loved it. so i'm dragging my feet. i don't want to let go because the inevitable, inescapable question arises "what next?" and i don't have the foggiest idea. so stop asking me.

of more immediate concern is that i'm about to read my intensely personal writing, in my very own voice in front of my peers. i don't do that very often. at least on the blog or on paper, there's some distance between me and the reader. like throwing a grenade or something. this time i'm holding it - or something. the metaphor breaks down pretty easily. and no matter how many times i do it, it still makes me ulcerous. of course there are worse places i could do this - say, in front of strangers. i am thankful to have the chance to share this with many friends and the community that has supported, challenged and changed me. it'll be a good time of celebration and joy. that makes me happy.

there will always be stories to tell.

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