Wednesday, March 30, 2005

belated happy easter

he is risen indeed!

Monday, March 28, 2005

I went to a maundy thursday service last week. it was a tenebrae service, a meditation of scripture and music on holy week, up to good friday. Its kind of the opposite of a candlelight service. after each scripture reading, a candle is blown out. the service ends in darkness, with no dismissal. it is powerful, mournful and unsettling. i want to skip ahead to easter - actually i don't, really. at this point in my life, i find myself rather interested in the grief process, depression, pain, and so on. pre-easter kinds of things.
i am moved once again by the SPECTACULAR WRONGNESS of the execution of jesus, the physical pain that he endured, the emotional and spiritual anguish, and our own anger, jealousy, and deceit.
when i survey the wondrous cross ... sorrow and love flow mingled down ... demands my soul my life my all.
i don't get it ... it seems the more i explore and feel my own pain, the more joy and hope come to me also. the more i consider the pain and horror of jesus' death, the more meaningful the joy and celebration come Easter morning. and all the more joy when He comes again in glory. i long for that day.
of course i didn't think this at the time of the service. in fact, in the darkness and warmth of the chapel, i dozed off a little bit. puts me in the company of the disciples.

it's that time of year...

sick as a dog. with papers, exams, and life proceeding at the speed of light.
prayers all around would be appreciated.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

living it up in the homeland

so i wax poetic about my brother going to our homeland, and today i get this email:

"songs i've heard karaoked in thick pinoy accents:
by: Canseco for Pulitzer (ericvmolina2000)
Mar 23 8:02pm
1. Aqua - Barbie Girl
2. Matchbox 20 - Unwell\
3. Ricky Martin - She Bangs (it was as good as you might imagine)
4. Frank Sinatra - My Way (12X)
5. Willie Nelson - Always on my Mind (actually that was me)
6. Shania Twain - From this Moment (extra points for being sung by a transvestite comedy troupe)
carry on."

i was jealous before. now i'm really jealous. i think. i'm not sure.

Monday, March 21, 2005

family ties ... sha na na na

my middle brother eric is in the philippines right now with my dad. eric is between terms at his fake advertising portfolio school. it's really an advertising portfolio school; eric just calls it a fake school because it's kind of a two bit run operation. when i saw the place it reminded me of when i did yearbook - a bunch of kids in an artsy room with the air of lax supervision. he likes it though, and it seems to be bringing out the smart ass creative side in him.

i'm a bit jealous of eric getting to travel around. for one, the weather is probably pretty amazing (i.e. not cold and rainy as it is here). and more significantly, he's travelling to both the old hometowns of our parents. this is something i'd really like to do myself someday. it would definitely give me more insight and understanding for my parents and where i come from. it's one thing to hear my dad lecture me about that stuff (not effective) and quite another to see it in the flesh (far more effective).

ever read the color of water? it's by james mcbride, i believe. he wrote about his mom's life, and orthodox jewish woman who married an african american man in the 60s - not too common then. she ended up raising 8 or 9 kids herself. amazing story. the story is about her, but also about him and how the story affected him. good stuff.

i think it's kind of like that for me. no, i'm not half jewish, but i do feel divided between my parent's lives and my own life. i'm not bi-racial, but bi-cultural. i look filipino but i can't speak a lick of tagalog, save for the swear words my dad would utter when he'd drop something on his foot. i don't really know anything about filipino culture. but today my friend dan told me that i'm the most knowledgeable person on north american pop culture that he knew. i can talk that talk, quote simpsons lines, refer to obscure movies, answer trivia, and so on. i blend into that culture. but in so doing, i think i've negated where i come from and part of who i am. i feel a bit lost at times. it's been interesting to explore this a bit. know thyself, right?

Saturday, March 19, 2005

stalking rock stars

just got back from stalking u2. the band has been up here for most of march, rehearsing at GM place for their upcoming tour. last night a few of us went out for dinner (intending to get "mediterranean schnitzel" - we just wanted to find out what it was, upon arriving at the place, we ended up going next door for burgers instead. vera's burger shack: some of the best burgers in vancouver) then on to GM place. we wandered around the building, and loitered around the loading bay. after talking to the nice security guard, he informed us that they'd probably be in there for another 3 or 4 hours. so we headed home, but after we pressed our ears to the doors of the arena and heard them playing "yahweh." it was cool.

we went back tonight, but it looks like they'd packed up and gone. their tour starts up pretty soon. alas. so much for our hopes that bono would come by regent to visit our profs. apparently, darrell johnson, has given him some spiritual advice, as has a former prof, eugene peterson (he wrote the message). we ended up getting some gelato instead - tiramisu and biscottini (italian cookies 'n' cream) for me. good stuff.

it was fun to break out of the studious routine and do something out of the ordinary. "out of the ordinary" = stalking rock stars. i have stalked regular people on occasion also.

deadlines loom in the near future. in the meantime, i've been playing outside a lot on the weekends - finished up the soccer season last weekend, and tomorrow are the ultimate frisbee playoffs. we're undefeated so far, and haven't been challenged too much except by the other regent team. basically the opposite performance from my soccer team - we got bounced out of the playoffs pretty early. it's been a tough season there. in any case, playing for both teams has allowed me plenty of chances to throw myself on the ground, which is my specialty. i like to get dirty and play hard. i've been pretty sore the last few mondays in recovery from the weekend. i'm wondering how i can translate this mentality to how i write my papers. when i'm playing a sport, i just get this confidence that i rarely feel elsewhere especially when it comes to academics. perhaps i just trust my body and instincts more than i trust my intellect. i see no good reason for this way of thinking to continue.

talked to the ubc crew coach last week. looks like i might be able to coach this summer - learn-to-row classes and some competitive programs. we'll see what happens - my student visa limits me to working on the UBC campus or with school affiliated organizations. i've got my fingers crossed and i'm praying hard. not only would it be good money (rowing tends to be a pricey sport) but it would be so so so good for my soul. i miss being out on the water and i totally thrive on coaching/teaching. and i'd get a wicked tan. heh.

all right. not sleepy since i took a long nap this afternoon. didn't leave my place all day except for a short walk. cleaned up the place, read some, and made carrot soup. it turned out all right. could be a little tastier. more soon, because i like to procrastinate.

Monday, March 14, 2005


Magnolia buds
Originally uploaded by goddess_spiral.
holy crap.
how am i supposed to study and read and write papers when things like this are happening outside? honestly.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

weather report

Tomorrow: Plentiful sunshine. High 58F. Winds light and variable.

got that? plentiful. boo yah.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

singing badly at the top of my lungs

last night we had a little reunion with my regent community group from last year.
songs karaoked (among many, but these were the best):
1. hey ya, outkast - which is pretty damn hard
2. we built this city, starship
3. livin' on a prayer, bon jovi
4. wannabe, spice girls
5. here i go again on my own, whitesnake
6. all group finale songs: bohemian rhapsody, queen and we didn't start the
fire, billy joel
(we got a perfect score of 100)

favorite lyric: "Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember, We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll"

if you come to vancouver, you too, could do this (unless your're in a rock band, so the excitement of karoke would escape you). and then have a wicked good hedgehog ice cream pie afterward. and hang out with me. i'm going to lose my voice - which is exactly how i sounded for the entire ponderosa summer.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

vacant landscape

vacant landscape
Originally uploaded by audmo.
the trees are bursting into bloom here and several of my friends are sniffling their way through allergy attacks. spring is here. and to my feeling, about 3 weeks too early. but i'm not complaining. i'll do that in august when everything has the potential to be kindling. i love seeing the trees change though, to check the new growth as i walk down my street to the bus stop.

we had a particularly moving chapel this past tuesday, as part of regent's 2 week "offering of the arts" celebration. for one of the songs we sang, photographs taken by a student were on the power point along with the lyrics.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appears

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel

O come, thou rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of of hell thy people save
And give them vict'ry o'er the grave

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel

O come, O Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here
And drive away the shaves of night
And pierce the clouds and bring us light

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel

O come, Thou Key of David, come
And open wide our heavenly home
Make safe the way that leads on high
And close the path to misery

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might 
Who to thy tribes, on Sinai's height
In ancient times did'st give the law
In cloud and majesty and awe

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel
(Rev. Isaac Watts)

Seeing these photos along with these familiar lyrics brought me close to tears. amazing that the combination of these too things alone should elicit such a strong reaction, when alone it probably would not have been the case. still mulling my feelings over.

so far what i've got is this ... i was overcome with longing. longing for Jesus to return, longing for things to be made right, longing to experience redemption, longing to see justice done, longing for healing, longing for more, longing for God. as i have studied here, as i have grown, i bump up against this feeling and other related ones - brokenness, tension, sadness and so on. to put it simply ... I WANT MORE. not in the lame consumer wish-i-had-a-million-bucks kind of way. but more in the way of knowing that God created us for more than this - to feel more, to live more ... just more. i am wary of spirituality that makes it seem that you can be utterly satisfied here on earth right now, on your own power. and the longing, the desire for this to happen for the world just about makes me weep sometimes.

it's hard to feel this way. yet there is hope in it, there is comfort somehow. because it WILL happen someday. just like after every long hard winter, there is a spring, and it is beautiful.

hm. that's what i've though through so far, anyway. thoughts, anyone?
i'm fishin' for comments here. click on the comments thing in the corner and leave me some love.

Sunday, March 06, 2005


i seem to have moved out of my post-vacation depression. papers, projects, reading, and tests loom, but i find myself immune to the stress. or perhaps apathetic. check back in a few weeks, i'm sure i'll be redlining then.

i spent most of the week working at the well. it's the coffeeshop on campus that gives me a really meager income. covers groceries and a beer here and there. if i don't feel like studying, i may as well be doing something else productive.

played another round of ultimate frisbee. my team remains undefeated, although this time around i didn't really contribute to the game. but as i've said before, i do enjoy being with friends and getting some exercise and getting muddy.

made a mexican lunch for some friends. turned out all right, i think. a good way to celebrate sabbath, a meal with friends. i crammed 8 people into my little basement apartment. i look forward to hosting again sometime.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

frickin' huge

frickin' huge
Originally uploaded by audmo.
the human head weighs 8 pounds.

our cat bosco weighs 18 pounds.

she is the linebacker of cats. correction: she is the offensive lineman of cats, the big fat guy that somehow ends up with the fumbled football and rumbles in for a touchdown.

a little change of pace from my heavy thoughts of late.

labyrinthine thoughts

grace cathedral
Originally uploaded by audmo.
while i was home, i made some time to go to grace cathedral in San Francisco (aka "the City" how those that live in the Bay area refer to SF). walked the labyrinth there. i guess it's one of those old traditions that has been getting renewed attention lately.
here's a bit of an explanation, according to the website (
Walking the Labyrinths at Grace Cathedral

The Labyrinth is an archetype, a divine imprint, found in all religious traditions in various forms around the world. By walking a replica of the Chartres labyrinth, laid in the floor of Chartres Cathedral in France around 1220, we are rediscovering a long-forgotten mystical tradition that is insisting to be reborn.

The labyrinth has only one path so there are no tricks to it and no dead ends. The path winds throughout and becomes a mirror for where we are in our lives. It touches our sorrows and releases our joys. Walk it with an open mind and an open heart.

There are three stages of the walk:
Purgation (Releasing) ~ A releasing, a letting go of the details of your life. This is the act of shedding thoughts and distractions. A time to open the heart and quiet the mind.

Illumination (Receiving) ~ When you reach the center, stay there as long as you like. It is a place of meditation and prayer. Receive what is there for you to receive.

Union (Returning) ~ As you leave, following the same path out of the center as you came in, you enter the third stage, which is joining God, your Higher Power, or the healing forces at work in the world. Each time you walk the labyrinth you become more empowered to find and do the work you feel your soul reaching for.

i enjoyed the experience, though my brother was waiting for me so i didn't take as much time as i would have liked to. my life has been lacking times of pause lately.

the labyrinth reflects the inward/outward journey of life. as we go inward, in ourselves, which as i have been learning in school lately, also a journey upward, a reaching out to God. this direction in spirituality then enables us to go outward in the world.

the last few years of my life have been one of inward exploration, a growing understanding of myself, and who i am in God. and in turn this growth goes outward from me to those with whom i am in relationship.

to attempt to do life without one or the other of these actions doesn't work. leads to isolation or burnout. he's the True Vine. apart from him we can do nothing, be nothing, are nothing.