how i feel about this time of year

considering hibernation.

winter

the days have been long, and short on sunshine. i feel ground down by the pace, and am perpetually catching up. life seems overly complex. this is a prayer i wrote for sunday school one morning, slightly modified from a prayer i found in a book.

Thank you for the sun this morning, God. We thank you for the past few days of rain. There is no sound like rain - on the roof, on the ground, or in the trees. It is hard to be in the rain sometimes, in the grayness, in the dark, in the dampness - the rain keeps pounding down. Sometimes it feels that way in our lives - too many things come down on our heads, and it feels like we are being flooded, and that the storm will never end.

Help us to remember that storms pass; that the sun will come out again. Help us to see that rain brings life. Our mistakes cling to us like dirt. Let the rain wash away our sin, and make us new again. Thank you for hope and for second chances. Thank you for the ways that our lives our nourished, both in the sun and in the rain, God. Amen

say what?

we're doing a short series on sex & sexuality at church. i had to teach a 2 weeks ago. imagine my joy. my opening line: "sex is a touchy subject ... wait, what?" (pause for laughs)

something i like

the scritchy sound that new corduroy pants make when you walk.

i made a potato leek soup tonight. it looked like dirty water and tasted about the same. sigh.

my cup runneth over

... but not really in a good way. last week was one of those weeks in ministry that was chock full of overly long work days. i slept for 10 hours last night. it was amazing. some people seem to thrive on schedules like this. i don't understand how that can be the case; i kind of wanted to curl up and die. or at least sleep for a week. how do i make the space in my schedule to write when i'm either at work or exhausted?

on sunday i have to talk to a room full of teenagers about sex. as you might imagine, i am less than thrilled about this. mostly because, of the seeming futility of the task. i could talk for 20 minutes about a healthy biblical view of sexuality for say, 6 weeks. that doesn't even compare to however many messages kids get in probably 20 minutes of television.

on a distantly related note: i went to ikea the other day to get stuff for work. we spent an awesomely juvenile time there based on this imagined scenario: what if all the swedish names for stuff there were really profanities in that language? and sweden is just laughing at the rest of the world for buying "shithead" bookshelves or an "asshole" tv stand. try it the next time you go to ikea when you're trapped in the blasted store and can't find your way out.

mavericks

today, i went to at&t park and watched a live webcast of men riding 40 foot waves. the definition of insane. but also very cool at the same time. you know the thing about surfers? they all seem so happy. if i weren't a) a weak swimmer, b) afraid of swiming in the ocean, or c) even more afraid of sharks, then i'd consider surfing. i mean, i'm already a californian. may as well perpetrate the stereotype that we all surf to work.

if you're looking at the time stamp on this post, yeah, i'm still not sleeping. anyone got any suggestions how to get to sleep (at the right times) or what i can do in the wee hours of the morning?

is the glass is half empty or half full?

well, it's 2008. so far the most significant thing is that when i went out for dessert at my friend's restaurant, our waiter was also a model who is on the cover of the newest sharper image catalog. it was a brush with greatness, i tell you. he had a funny pink mark on his forehead and the story came out that it was a rug burn suffered on the losing end of a wrestling match on new year's eve. passed an agreeable evening shooting the breeze with the friendly barflies. good times. seems refreshingly uncomplicated to the chaos i will no doubt return to at my job. i don't know ... sometimes i feel more like i am living a christian life in simple conversation with these "unchurched" people over beers than i am when i am planning the onerous details for an event that kids only sign up for at the last minute when they haven't found anything else cooler to do, or putting kids to sleep on a sunday morning when i stumble over words in an attempt to teach. no no, it's not as bad as all that, and God's ways and thoughts are much higher than my ways and thoughts. try as i might to expand, my perspective remains woefully narrow. as for 2008 and beginning a new year, i remain unexcited and unispired, and i wonder, when did i become such a pessimist? sorry for the downer posts - i'm trying to turn things around.

another year, another blog entry

i think i have recovered from our christmas. there was little sleep, but everyone seemed to get along this year (for the most part - i had a hand in my small cousin's annual crying when i frustratedly told her to stop yelling at me to pay attention when we were playing capture the flag. dude. she's 9, she's getting too old for this behavior. time to get a thicker skin). for some reason i got one of those backpacks with a water compartment as a gift - apparently my cousin thought it was "so me." i don't know where they got that idea; i barely like hiking. ah well - it is pretty nifty, perhaps this will encourage me to get out more.

i haven't blogged in a while; i know. let's just say there are artistic difficulties. or something like that. trying to find some inspiration/motivation. trying to figure out what it is in my realm to change in this weird life i am in.

my sleeping pattern is all whacked out because the late night holiday partying. so, i play "call of duty 4: modern warfare" with my youngest brother. i ashamedly admit that i am rather addicted to it.

god bless us, everyone

music of the season: vince guaraldi's charlie brown christmas album & sufjan steven's christmas singalong CDs. favorite christmas song: wham's "last christmas i gave you my heart". this song also wins for most annoying christmas song, but is sure fun to sing along to. closely followed by this song.

i survived our broomball night with my immune system mostly intact, which is surprising. now on to the family brouhaha. i'm chugging airborne - i'm not totally convinced of it's medicinal qualities, but it's not a bad placebo.

more after the holiday. still in survival mode.

come lord jesus

i'm getting sick. and with one more youth group christmas event party, and the christmas holiday still to get through. not thrilled about this. i have a sore throat, which is the precursor to other symptoms. trying to head this off - today i ingested probably 5000% of my daily allowance of vitamin c, not to mention several large cups of tea. we'll see.

struggling a bit right now ... for lots of things - the usual things, meaning, connection, inspiration, perspective, bladebladebla. i've got this job that i'm sort of good at, but is not something i enjoy or really feel called to. there seems to be lukewarm support from all ends. a thankless task.

odd that so much of my attitude concerning this holiday is negative. i really could do without all the extra trappings of this time and get down to the essential truth of the time: which is jesus came here to be among us. this sacrifice of power, this unexpected gift, this incredible love - this is what i want to be dwelling in. not rude parents, rude kids, oblivious bosses, mind-numbing commutes, cost of living ... these suck my will to live, to be thankful, to be observant.

of course, it hasn't been all drained out of me, my humor still exists. a featured part of the evening tomorrow: christmas pinatas. also: try this game - go to dollar store. buy tacky baby jesus in the manger figurines. hide said baby jesus figurines around church for kids to find. name the game "find baby jesus." when other staff members express mock horror prior to this game hide all baby jesus figurines around their office as revenge.

but operating in my strengths say 50% of the time... that number just ain't big enough for me. prayers as i discern what comes next.

xmas

holi-daze

last night, in an effort to break out of this funk i've been in, i went to a young adult christmas party at church. i really had to gear up for it because of 1) the aforementioned funk; 2) my natural tendency to introversion and hatred of small talk (and lack of party "wingman" who would promise to leave early with me if it was lame; i miss dave aupps, best wingman ever!); 3) the location of the party was at church, which is the last place i want to be on my day off ("hey, i'm here 6 days a week instead of 5! sweet!"). don't i sound like a lovely person to be around?

despite my grinch-yness, i managed to have a good time. my group won in a crazy gingerbread house building contest. th
in spite a minor wardrobe malfunction - the seat of my pants wore through that night. i had to tie my long sleeve t-shirt around my waist for the rest of the evening. perfect.

malaise

i have been in a fog for much of the past week, not understading how or why i came to feel this way. then i came across this quote today and it seemed to sum things up quite accurately.

We live today in a world of growing isolation, frantic activity, and desperate violence, where paradoxically, we find ourselves longing for both solitude and companionship, intimacy and community. Some of us may look back to times when life seemed to make sense and relationships were more certain. Whether or not such times ever existed, we nevertheless long today for relationships that acknowledge who we are and who we want to be. We want someone to hear us, to hear our hearts beating, to hear our deepest longings—even longings of which we dare not speak.
- Sondra Higgins Matthaei, Faith Matters

this is me being cranky.

well, last night was the first bout of insomnia that i've had in a while. apparently, my avoidance of caffeine does not mean i am impervious to sleeplessness. that sucks.

i also had a lingering headache yesterday that continued in intensity through today. so i stayed home and slept. again, one of those mysterious afflictions that comes and goes. i think i'm okay now.

the thing with insomnia is that it is in those wee hours of the night that my anxieties and angst get the better of me. it is when i ask questions that i can't answer right away, the kinds of questions that have answers that unfold over years and simply by living. i hate those questions. they irritate me. i really really like sleeping; and i'd much rather sleep than think about those questions.

and, as you can see, by the time stamp of this post, i'm still up. oh well.

on another note: i like advent. but i don't like going to 50 different christmas party functions. with 50 different gift exchanges. or planning one of those party functions for a bunch of high schoolers. i am not a party planner.

contemplations

i went to a taize service last night, my first one. the day i found a service, a high schooler mentioned having to go to a taize service for her religion class at her catholic high school. so i went with her and her friends.

it had been a long time since i had attended a time of worship that incorporated silence, and simple melodies. time was not an issue. i sat before the altar in the darkened chapel for a time, holding a small candle. when i looked closer at the wick, i realized that it was curved into the shape of a question mark. "great, god, haha very funny," i though to myself, not appreciating or understanding the symbolism involved and the implications. mystery sucks sometimes, you know? it takes a lot more work to live with mystery than when you think you've got it all figured out. while i didn't quite agree with the theology of this church; a taize service is something i'd attend again; it's a good antidote for this high speed high pressure culture.

the kids fidgeted, doodling on their bulletins; some things never change. one of them took notes, the rest assumed she'd lend them a copy - some things really never change.

xmas spirit

i don't usually enjoy the family guy, but the last song in this video made me laugh really hard. it's my new favorite christmas song.

substance free

well, since my troubles with anxiety, i have gone off the sauce. by sauce, i mean caffeine. if you thought i meant beers or other alcoholic beverages, well i practically have since i still lack the requisite drinking buddies. unless you count the stoic canine i took care of last week. he wasn't much on conversation, but sure was a good listener.

i miss caffeine. i have a much easier time falling asleep now, which is wonderful. but it does take me a bit more time to get up to speed in the morning. and those of you that have seen me in the morning know that is an arduous process already. it's almost not morning by then.

to flog my title metaphor a bit more ... i have also felt a bit free of substance lately. in a not good way. as i pass my days if suburban settings, with an upper middle class population, i wonder where the substance, the real nitty gritty of my life is. i long for more real things, for more than trying to speak the truth to a blank-faced student population. we are studying a curriculum put out by international justice mission right now. several times i have been convicted by what is being taught, while kids fidget in their nice clothes and go home in nice cars and claim to have no money. i know because i was/am one of them and have thought the same thoughts. and i want to get away from that. sometimes i think my head will explode with how much i care about what is happening in the world and how apathetic the kids are. the consolation is that i trust God is at work in slow and unseen ways with these kids and how they will live their lives. i'm eating that quote i put in an earlier post about how god moves at three miles an hour. kosuke koyama also mentions in that same book about how God moves so slowly that he took 40 years to teach the israelites a lesson as they wandered in the desert. i read that and thought, "oh great, i'm following this guy too. what did i get myself into?"

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Isaiah 58:11