i thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday. i blathered on about how i was this close to getting the assault rifle out, and actually told al (our custodian) "don't worry al, i'll kill you last." clearly delusional. because he is a wise man, al just laughed and gave me a hug. he is also bringing me a batch of his wife's cookies because of his own delusion that the seattle seahawks would win the super bowl.
if you ever want to know how long my attention span is for intense single-minded creativity before i start to lose my mind, it is approximately 1.5 months. i think i am now beginning to understand how one suffers for one's art. and also the statement that writing is easy, all you have to do is sit down and open a vein.
i haven't been sleeping, or eating well. i haven't seen anyone besides my housemates, really, lately. i've been writing or reading or writing or trying to sleep but staring at the ceiling, and writing. it makes for a weird kind of life. and it seemed to come to a head yesterday after being sick and finally tackling some harder things for me to write about. there are always tell-tale signs, that i was running myself into the ground. i was just choosing to ignore them until i had run myself into the ground.
luckily, or providentially, i have an observant and caring friend who made sure i ate a good meal (red burrito: 7 of 10 stars), bought me gelato and beer (consumed seperately), and made me go to sleep at 10:15 last night, whether i liked it or not. weird to realize how hard it is to let another person take care of me - i was too tired to put up any fight. an enforced sabbath evening. why, i almost feel like a human being again! instead of a remorseless killing machine.
the most funny part of the evening was getting gelato. upon discovering that they only took cash, i was left standing there with two large gelato cones while sara dashed home to get money. i sat in the window and morosely ate my frutti di bosco, even that activity was exhausting to me. i didn't realize how ridiculous i looked until this stranger asked me if i was hungry. it felt good to laugh.
it's back to the grindstone. but with a better perspective this time. and more awareness of when i'm lagging. and with greater appreciation of rest.
3 comments:
here, here. rest is the best. your energies are worth it my friend.. even if they can't be measured right now. love you aud.
just don't cut off your ear.
Why is there a word verification to post a blog comment? mkyfsj?
spam prevention.
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