words words and more words

i know,i know, i should be asleep at the time i write this. but my hand hurts because i was playing this stupid video game with my brother and now i'm too annoyed to sleep. fight night round three - it's awful and violent and graphic, and yet i am strangely addicted to it. i am ashamed. and i get so thoroughly enraged when my brother continually beats me.

i know i haven't written in a while. a lot has been happening. first some books i've been working through... i don't know how i found this first book; she's a local writer so i must have run across the name somewhere. anyway, i enjoyed this spiritual memoir, how the mystery of faith and prayer carries crittenden through the vagaries of life - the loss of her brother, a clinical depression, her parents' illnesses. it is a vulnerable story, because how can you not be talking about these things? some people may find it slow, but i found it free of sentimentality and beautifully simple prose.

i'm savoring my way through this book. i got tired of waiting for it to become available at the library, and went ahead and bought it. i blame the aforementioned wonderful used bookstore i work near. even new books are a bit cheaper than the cover price, making it that much harder to resist. anyway, enough people i knew had talked about it that love books as much as i do, so i went ahead and got it based on their praise. and it is funny. i have laughed out loud several times. for all the god-talk, i'd say it's more "spiritual" than it is "christian." i don't mind it so much, but i could see how some might have a problem with that. i'm right in the middle of it right now, but i find her voice refreshing, quirky and real. and i'd hope that whenever i get around to writing a book one day i sound a little bit like her.

so i'm on a memoir kick; i have been since i took that class last spring. seems like a lifetime ago already even though it was just 3 months ago. as i type this entry looking at these two books, i wonder if life is imitating art here... two women, single mid-thirties both writers, come to a bit of a crossroads. it sounds strangely familiar.

and with that we are on to me... school has started and youth programming has picked up. so instead of the 10 kids that showed up in the summer, they're coming out of the woodwork - last sunday there were like 50 kids in the room. and i stood up in front of them and thought, "who the heck are these people?" and i'm sure a lot of them were thinking the same thing about me. last thursday i sat in the back row during our first meeting and the kids were singing and my only thought was, "i'm in trouble now. i'm starting to like them." a part of me didn't want to, to be honest. and i had to laugh at myself, at this absurd situation i found myself in, of being in this room with these particular quirky awkward fragile beautiful teenagers at this particular time. as much as i didn't imagine/desire working at a church or even in youth ministry again, here i am. and i feel funny - like i am funny, frickin' hilarious and about a hundred times happier than i was at my last job (see march-june entries). beginning to make inroads to friendships with kids and other adults. and i say, "all right already God. jeez!"

of course other things nag at me and make it hard to breathe. like this job is mostly feasible as i continue to live with my parents and endure a commute. or if i lived in someone's closet with 5 other roommates - such is the cost of living in this area. and other such questions have a pretty good go at me when i try to go to sleep. ironically this is the highest paying job i've had so maybe i should have paid more attention in my career planning class in high school. at the same time, i say to hell with all that ulcer-causing crap. such are the things that keep me up at night. wondering. praying. waiting and seeing. always with the waiting and seeing. i'll probably read this tomorrow and be horrified at these half formed thoughts and delete them. or maybe not. but sweet oblivion calls for now...