cape fear

Two years ago, when i was trying to figure out if I wanted to go on this blind date (a la match.com), I asked my friend katie for any insight she might have. Her only question was, "Will it make for a funny email? Then you should do it." I ended up going, not just for that reason. it turned out to be run-of-the-mill awkward blind date, nothing really to merit a funny email, or a second date for that matter. katie is crazy like that - once she and i got stuck in san francisco after the last BART train took off for the night, and i had to call my cousin arlene in berkeley to come and pick us up at denny's. that's a story that will be told another time.

Recently, my friend rochelle proposed another way of approaching life, which is that you should do whatever scares you. I thought this was interesting perspective. Until recently, I viewed fear as a weakness, a flaw that holds you back and is somewhat irrational, like a fear of spiders or heights. Being scared happened because you did something stupid, like how in horror movies the kids on a road trip think it's a good idea to spend the night in the abandoned cabin in the woods when their car breaks down and then decide to split up and explore even though there are reports on the radio of an escaped mental patient from the asylum near them.

But this line of thought ... fear takes on a different meaning. I'm thinking about doing an arts concentration here at school, meaning that i would explore my writing chops and maybe end up putting together a collection of stories or something like that. i think that's why i like writing, because i like telling stories. there are a lot of other areas of study that would be cool to do and seem more practical (as if anything in seminary is really practical in the world's eyes). anyway, this prospect scares the heck out of me, and i've only told one person this out loud, and i kind of cringe typing it out. this is a different kind of scared than what i originially conceived of - this isn't some deep-seated psychological phobia; nor am i telling the gang "i'll be right back" and then unwittingly going into the garage where the axe-murderer is.


No, my heart beats faster, and my breath catches in my throat because this is something that means a lot. And when something means a lot to you, you really really care what happens, and there is risk involved. that's when the voices kick in and tell you all about the worst case scenarios, how you suck, how everyone will look at you incredulously and shake their heads because you are so deluded, and on and on until you are convinced that you're barely able to dress yourself in the morning.

now i'm no adrenaline junkie - I don't swim with sharks or go sky-diving just to know I'm alive. although i do like to speed down the 8th avenue hill near my house. i barely go on rollercoasters. but i think rochelle's got a point here. there plenty of times in my life that i can look back on when i chose to play it safe, stuck with what i knew because it was predictable, even if it had nothing to do with my real passions. then i think of the times that i've been terrified and had no clue how things were going to turn out. these are the times when my heart has really been touched (which i've discovered can hurt like hell but still be a good thing somehow). These are the times that i've felt like i've really lived my life.

being scared isn't a bad thing; it's a human thing. we all feel that way at one time or another. how we respond to it is what matters. check in with me again in a few weeks to see if i really live out what i say. even though i've said all these things, i'm still scared. but it makes for a damn good blog entry.