back with 120% more damn attitude

i met with the head pastor this morning. i made this appointment back in january so i almost forgot that i had arranged to meet with him and pick his brain about things. we talked about job networking, this book he's just gotten published, what it's like being a pastor and shepherding people from such diverse perspectives. in a city like berkeley, that has such a reputation for being diverse and progressive and whatever, i have been surprised at how many people still think america is a benign force for good in the world, or that don't understand why other parts of the world don't like americans. do people not listen to the news? well, the way news is told here wouldn't exactly help sometimes.

anyway, we had an interesting conversation about writing and that whole process and amusingly how little control an author has over things like the book cover. he said something that stuck with me - he says he's got 3 or 4 other books stored on his computer that he says he feels "aren't good enough" to be published. he told me about how his aspiration/compulsion to write the perfect book had become a form of idolatry, and much of the process of getting it published was dying to that perfectionism. this is one tendency that i am quite familiar with. letting go of the this expectation then allowed him to say "it's just a book, another book in the world." this comment quite flabbergasted me. but i realized that to hold this whole enterprise of being published loosely is a healthy thing. then maybe i won't feel so paralyzed when i actually try to write. that's just a theory, but it sounds pretty good.

i've also noticed lately if i'm in a conversation that is intense or that i find very interesting, my eyes start watering. maybe because i forget to blink? then i start to wonder if the other person is wondering if i am crying and then i feel self-conscious. weird.