whiling away the hours

the days in vancouver dwindle down...

i am still holding on to some level of denial, as i have picked my departure date but not purchased the train ticket. that's right, i'm taking the train back to california. it shall be old-fashioned, lovely, and scenic.

anyhow, i've passed much of the time loitering in the atrium at school. with my friends scattered to the winds and to new digs, and me without at phone # to call my own, i depend mainly on the free wireless and chance encounters in the atrium as my main form of connecting with people. plus, i still get free coffee from the well. don't need much else, i suppose.

it is strange how things come full circle. when i first got to vancouver and didn't know anyone, i'd pass entire afternoons in this space visiting with people, and getting to know them, trying to put down roots with people. the following 2 years, i avoided the atrium because i am an introvert at heart. i met my friends elsewhere. and now i am back here at a table, surfing the web for a job, daydreaming about what to do with my life, and wondering what will happen to the roots i have grown here with people.

accentuate the positive

so the silver lining to what feels like a gray cloud moving back to california is that the abundance of good mexican food places. that's what i've got so far.

i know a couple of hobos

huh

i just realized... since i'm moving away very soon, i'll have to change the name of this blog. weird. suggestions? not that i'll listen to you, but it should be entertaining at least.

see this face? this is our over-the-moon face.

watching oprah and pedicures

this is my first blog post by request/demand (going out to jane halton of vancouver, bc. jane enjoys recycling, triathlons and diet coke. she does not enjoy the fifth season of dawsons creek, anything happening after 10:30 pm and meat).

i have pink toenails right now. jane and dan ray and i went to get pedicures last wednesday. now, i suppose this is not a combination of people you would really expect to go out and get pedicures. it was great fun. nice to do something i don't normally do and to be pampered a bit. so we relaxed in some massage chairs, watched oprah, and some women made our feet look G-O-O-D. jane had to run some errands so i got myself an oreo blizzard from dairy queen on the way home. not a bad way to pass a wednesday afternoon.

what to look for in a job

i had a summer internship at a magazine the summer before my senior year in college. i fact-checked and proofread articles, it was pretty innocuous. but allison, the managing editor imparted some lasting advice from her own job experiences.
it went something like this:

"oh yeah, after i graduated from UCSB, i got a job in san francisco (ed. note: i think it was an ad agency). i had to wear panty hose. every morning i'd open my closet and just go, 'ugh.' i drank a lot and gained 50 or 60 pounds. so i quit and became a bike messenger. it was the panty hose that was the worst of it."

any other job requirements i should be thinking about?

adrift

for the first time that i can remember, i am utterly keyless.
no house key. not even a bike lock key.
it is unsettling.

further thoughts on moving

i can't lift my arms.

also, i hate material possessions.

on moving

things are happening too fast now. my room (formerly known as my fortress of solitude) is a shambles. well, it usually is a shambles because i am a slob. but now, most all of my books and clothes are gone. i sold my desk on craigslist yesterday. and this lady just bought my bed, again thanks to craigslist. man, i know that i shouldn't be attached to material goods and all that, but dang, i loved that bed. it was a great bed. through my many nights of insomnia, at least i was comfortable. and i could look out my window at the mountains and english bay and the vancouver skyline. now i am sitting amongst dust bunnies.

change bites.

goonies never say die

ingredients for an AWESOME friday night:
friends
beer
junk food
and a DVD of goonies, a childhood movie classic. pirates, gadgets, danger and adventure. instantly transports you back to being about nine years old again. except that you're drinking beer while watching.

"Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here." -Mikey

i gotta find me a treasure map.

moving SSSSSUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKSSSSSSS

on my top 10 list of things i hate to do, moving is definitely one of them. the long lazy days of may have slipped by all too fast. sitting in the backyard has been replaced with figuring out how to fit stuff into boxes. (baby was not actually packed into box)

what makes leaving harder is that i have no clear plan. you know, besides move back in with my parents. it's very kind of them, but i might just go nuts after about 2 weeks, if that. there's also a letdown after working so hard and accomplishing this goal of earning my degree. of course wondering what next is on my mind, which makes it so much more annoying when complete strangers ask me this.

i decided that moving and saying goodbye is like ripping off a band-aid. if you do it slowly or quickly, it still sucks.

back from rivendell

rested. relaxed. there aren't very many places that encourage you to stop take a deep breath and think. but when you find those places, take advantage of them. each time i have gone there, the change in pace has been jarring; it's like jumping off a speeding train. not that i've ever actually done that. the change in pace back to regular life is equally abrupt. trying to remember to breathe.

gone fishin'

off to rivendell for a few days. taking a book, my journal, and a pen. seeing what comes out of my head, minus my computer, the tv, and video games and people.

good thing #5,672 in my life

reaching the evening's perfect point of alcohol consumption so that when you buy a greasy slice of pizza on the way home, that it tastes like best freaking pizza you have ever had in your life.

further clumsiness

these are the hedges out behind our school, between the building and the parking lot. we discovered a few months ago that they are dense enough to support your weight. jeff demonstrates this here. it's quite amusing.

the other day i ran into my friends, the swaim family, as i waited for katie to give me a ride home. i thought my little buddies, hudson and everett would be amused by this little trick. so after a few unsuccessful attempts (i have a poor vertical leap) i hopped on top of the shrub. only to be immediately swallowed by the hedge. completely. it looked like i had vanished. I FELL THROUGH A HEDGE, people. why do these things happen to me? or, more accuratley, why do i keep doing these things to myself. perhaps i just shouldn't go outside anymore. the only thing you could see was my leg sticking out the side. i managed to crawl out of the hedge, russ, rebecca and katie had nearly peed their pants with laughter. it was pretty funny. i can admit that at least. because if you can't laugh at yourself, then you have no sense of humor.

perspective

sometimes my approach to life looks like this:

when, really, maybe it should look more like this:

did you know?

may is nacho awareness month.
may is also barbecue appreciation month.

at least it is at 4531 west seventh.
i have made two kinds of salsa. we have grilled wings, brats and chicken kabobs. then sat in the backyard all day.
this is the best month ever.

sponsored by honey's doughnuts.

straight outta compton, foo'

may showers

i didn't leave my house today. it was too dreary. my vacation isn't supposed to be like that.

when you're done with school and don't have a job...

every day is like the weekend.

on graduating

i forgot to mention my activities on the day leading up to graduation. after lunch with my parents, i played video games. i packed some, and then went for coffee with the kelleys. we ate our snacks at trimble park, in spite of the gale force winds that day.

as we left the park, lara and i hopped on the seesaw, a old school playground toy. simple enough to operate, yes? this seesaw happened to be some kind of souped up model - with springs. it added a trampoline kind of effect to the seesaw. anyway, i thought "whoa, this is crazy. i should get a better grip." i was holding a snapple bottle and empty cup of coffee in one hand. so i thought it wise to COMPLETELY LET GO of the handle to to shift these objects around. i ended up FALLING OFF the seesaw and flat onto my back. i was more stunned than anything else. my first thought was, "wow i haven't heard lara laugh that hard before." the next was, "i can't believe that just happened." so on the same day that i got my master's degree, i fell off a seesaw. now how many people can say that?

2006 Miss Cherry Blossom of 4531 west 7th

i am so smart! S-M-R-T! i mean S-M-A-R-T...

well, three years and many dollars (canadian!) later, i walked across a stage to loud applause. they handed me a few expensive pieces of paper and bestowed me with a shiny cloth to wear. ooh, a headcovering! it's biblical, you know.

though the culmination of my education was two nights ago, in the years to come i'll be mulling over my time at regent and what it did in me. i leave with few, if any, answers about God that i thought i'd get here, but am more comfortable with mystery. maybe a little more cynical, but definitely more thoughtful about my faith. my future is foggy, but i have a clearer sense of my vocation and plenty more confident to pursue it. certainly more broke and with more debt than when i first got here. i leave with more wonderful, interesting, and crazy friends and lots of memories. as to exactly how the many books i've read and papers i've written and relationships built have impacted me and continue to do so, that will take more time to figure out. that's life, i guess. further thoughts will be documented on the blog. because i'm a geek. a geek with a headcovering.

sigh

spring is here. wearing my flip-flops. it is very good.

starting to pack up and get stuff ready to send home to california with my parents. their house is a stable point in the midst of all my wanderings. once i settle somewhere else, i'll pick it up, and they can begin to reclaim their garage. i had a bit of a moment today as i ran some errands. i could be hormonal, or sentimental, or whatever, it's just what i do. i was walking to the hardware store, and i just relished the fact that i have lived in this little neighborhood of west point grey for 3 years. that's the longest i've lived in one place since i lived in DC.

i love being able to walk to the butcher, and to the hardware store where the people there are always cheerily helpful. i love knowing where to get my produce, and kick back for some beers with pals, and that the bakery down the street has these amazing chili chocolate cookies that the swiss-trained baker made. that the nearby park is where i showed my professors kids how funny it is to run while you're dizzy. my friends live three houses over and i can run over with bare feet. good memories.

well, well, well

if only i could amuse myself as easily as this.

i turned in my last paper 9 days ago. my last day at the well was 7 days ago. since then, my days have been mostly structureless. i don't even know what the date is - that's something new. it has been rather nice, i've caught up on sleep. i wake up in the morning without this overwhelming pressure to get somewhere and get something done that has been the state of my life for the past 8 months. is it weird that a small part of me misses that? i think it is, a little bit.

i'm watching a lot of felicity. had some drinks with some friends. trying to just soak in vancouver, and not work so hard at trying to relax. allowing my brain to turn to mush. giving myself a break before i plunge into the job search. that kind of stuff. got a big stack of books to read and not have to write papers about.

it is finished.

4:32 p.m.

crankin'

1 paper down.
1 whopper of a paper to go. probably 6-8 pages left on it.

then it's nothing but felicity reruns, beer, video games, four square and really any other kind of trouble that i can come up with. besides the trouble that i've already come up with.

having a beer with dane at school after he finished his comprehensive exams.
a few days later, smoking cigarillos with dan at school and looking surly for no good reason

probably building this girl more sofa forts in a few days. because what's better than a good sofa fort? let me tell you: not much.

Happy Easter!

He is risen!

Slightly sacreligious, but also nicely brings together the bunny and candy thing with the Jesus thing.

i'm beginning to see the light...

still working away at papers. i think i've got a handle on them now, which is better than how i felt about them earlier this week. still a ways to go, but it now seems doable.

it's kind of lame to be in the middle of all this stuff during holy week. i haven't set aside any time to really think about this week and what it means.

i do write about easter in my paper though. humor has the power to be subversive. many times what we laugh at is something incongruous, something that sets the normal order of life upside down. and what set the powers that be more upside down, what could be more incongruous than the fact that jesus rose again? when i saw the movie the passion, and the camera panned on to jesus' face as the stone rolled away and the light flowed in, i wanted him to laugh. i thought, at that moment, the laughter of joy, of relief was more appropriate there than at any other point in time ever. easter is a joyful time. laughter and humor has its place in it.

i did drag myself out of bed on thursday morning to go to a maundy thursday service at school. 6:30 in the a.m. i was asked to help serve communion (my second time, after doing it at chapel - i'm getting to be an expert). and who did i serve communion with? none other than j.i. packer, esteemed theologian and author of knowing god. i know that all who approach the table are equal, but holy cow man, that's ji packer standing next to me holding the bread, and i was holding the wine. it was kind of cool. all the more amusing since my friends and i had all started reading knowing god in college and as far as i know, we're all still reading it. yeah, it's been going on like 8 years now.

more thoughts on serving communion itself later. like real ones, not groupie ones.

wrapping up

last chapel of the school term was today. and, barring some bizarre circumstance (like me suddenly deciding to do a ThM degree... the horror!) it's the last chapel for me as a student. still working through the feelings and thoughts about this transition.

i think about the people i have been so blessed to know during my time here. i feel like we are comrades-in-arms. veterans seasoned by battles of the academic, spiritual, and relational. perhaps many feel this way after pursuing advanced degrees. who came up with this academic system anyway? probably some crazy dead greek guy. but for this particular time, particular place, i am glad for the particular others who were with old particular me.

yep. being mushy. it's been coming out more as i realize that the "lasts" are passing. last chapel. last soup. last blasted et cetera issue. last whatever. even in the middle of the last papers that JUST WON"T DIE, i am trying to enjoy and appreciate these things. even the DAMN PAPERS themselves.

just wait until after tuesday. then the real fun begins. gotta love the short times of little to no responsiblity.
more sentimentality later.

still in it

come tuesday of next week, hell or high water, i will be finished with school. between me and that blessed long-awaited day stand 2 research papers and a personal essay. in all of my academic years, i have never quite figured out how to write 2 papers at the same time. some prioritizing is necessary. of course if i were able to write papers early, then i wouldn't have gotten into this predicament. coulda, shoulda, woulda. whatever.

the reading went really well. better than i thought it would have. but in my neurotic mind i imagined that all of my jokes would have fallen with a thud. seriously, how have i gotten by in life without driving myself completely insane? fortunately i have surrounded myself with people who are endlessly encouraging and think i'm hilarious. i was surprisingly calm the whole day of the reading. i didn't get nervous until lara and sienna and i drove to school. then i wanted to hide. i couldn't take people staring at me or asking if i was ready. so i hid behind the stairwell until maxine waved me over.

i sat in the chair before the microphone said a few things (this was the part that worried me the most actually). then i started to read. and it was really fun. people laughed loud and long. hearing them laugh felt as warm as the afternoon sun that came streaming through the windows.

if anything, this reading and this project has been another affirmation of how i write, and how i see the world. and that is no small thing.

"And the day came when the the risk [it took] to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

and for my next trick...

a little retail therapy at the book sale. this here's my summer reading. really looking forward to reading extensively for pleasure.

my reading is in 3 days. i am calm about it, mostly because i have done very little prep as of yet. i can't really bring myself to do the final edits. or to think through the order of my reading, what i'd like to say there, and so on. i mean, i'll do it by tomorrow afternoon, but only because i'm meeting with my advisor and i've learned to be prepared for her. what's the deal with my reluctance? well, i'll tell you.

i've worked three years for this. and very intensely over the past 4 months. it's been a monkey on my back, the thing that has ruled my life. on one hand i'm ready to be done with it and not look at it again for a while because i'm so sick of looking at the same words. on the other hand, i don't really want to let go of it yet, for the same reasons - it's been such a familiar influence on my thoughts and my days. i have loved writing, have always loved it. so i'm dragging my feet. i don't want to let go because the inevitable, inescapable question arises "what next?" and i don't have the foggiest idea. so stop asking me.

of more immediate concern is that i'm about to read my intensely personal writing, in my very own voice in front of my peers. i don't do that very often. at least on the blog or on paper, there's some distance between me and the reader. like throwing a grenade or something. this time i'm holding it - or something. the metaphor breaks down pretty easily. and no matter how many times i do it, it still makes me ulcerous. of course there are worse places i could do this - say, in front of strangers. i am thankful to have the chance to share this with many friends and the community that has supported, challenged and changed me. it'll be a good time of celebration and joy. that makes me happy.

there will always be stories to tell.

suck it up

goodness. trying to dredge some energy for the final push in the last few weeks of school. it's big week this week, with my reading, which alternately excites and nauseates me. then a few papers and that's it. i'll have done what i came to regent to do. crazy.
a bittersweet time. definitely have a sense of accomplishment and am so grateful for those who have supported me on the way. also sad to leave this community. though some days i am a lot more ready to get the heck out. and of course, i have no idea what i am moving on to. the calendar is blank after may 1.
i hate change.

Yikes.

hey world, check me out.

spring has sprung

the last few days have been blissfully unacademic. one could get used to this kind of life.

1000 words

my moment of surreality

Yesterday, Sienna wouldn't eat the homemade baby food her mom made her. However, she will eat the store bought food with gusto, as you can see pictured here.

In an effort to convince Sienna of the quality of her personal brand of baby food, and inspire her to imitate her oh-so-cool auntie audrey, i sampled some pureed pears. lara even fed me some with a plastic baby spoon. i made 'mmm... good!" sounds.

sienna was unconvinced.

we are so weird.

it's go time

meeting with my advisor tomorrow. i'm bringing a draft of all my work with me.

yikes.

surprisingly, i feel okay about it.
i could also be seriously deluded.
but hey, at least i'm having a good time.

bleah

i borrowed 10 books about the philosophy of humor, the comic vision of the bible and so on last friday.

i haven't felt more unfunny in my life.

one muse for sale. slighty used.

looking for new improved muse that works well under pressure. sense of humor a plus. work ethic required.

rest

yesterday i got to hang out with sienna for the afternoon. always a privilege, never a chore. lara took the opportunity to get some of her own chores done.

we played with her toys and sat on my bed and looked out the window. she fell asleep when i was holding her. not wanting to wake her up, i gingerly lay down and she continued to sleep. it felt like it was the first time i sat still all semester. not just sitting still, but my anxious thoughts were stilled also. it was the favorite part of my day, maybe the whole week.

the artistic process

when the muse says, "no, not today." she really means it. don't piss her off.

roller coaster

my moods change so quickly these days.
i wonder if i am
a) crazy.
or
b) getting better at being more aware of my feelings.

hm. i think it's both.

sore from my head to my toes.

my head hurts.
my whole body hurts actually.
for once, the ache is not from my studies, but from frisbee. at least it's a nice change of pace.

if you don't stop and look around, you might miss it

lots of life is happening right now. it's good; it's just that none of it is particularly easy to handle.

yesterday i was at the burger place across the street from my school. i was starving and stressed out. i wanted to escape the four walls of my school prison for a little while. i sat in the window soaking in the sun and tried to relax as i waited for my burger.

the two women at the next table weren't of the usual university/working crowd that populated the joint. they were older. the larger woman was wearing a huge pair of glasses, and an unflattering polyester maroon dress. her hair was pulled back in a severe bun. the other woman was in sweatpants and a windbreaker. her hair hung limply around her face. she had bright purple eyeshadow on, and had penciled on some crazy eyebrows. i thought, "how can people dress themselves like this? ugh." half the time i see awkward people my heart breaks for them and the other half of the time, i treat them with scorn. maybe it's more like 60-40. or 30-70.

i returned to my own troubled thoughts and spread out my papers across the table. i was exhausted and my head was so full of stuff though that i couldn't concentrate on the words. i mainly just stared out the window, brow furrowed.

when i retrieved my order and sat down to eat, i saw that the maroon lady was also looking out the window. her friend looked at her concernedly. "are you crying?" she continued to stare out the window. tears trickled out from under her glasses. i turned away, not wanting to eavesdrop. suddenly, my problems seemed smaller.

i finished my burger and stood up. i steeled myself to re-enter the fray of life. as i passed their table, the eyebrow lady looked up at me and touched my arm. "i just wanted to say 'good luck' to you."
"what?" i asked, startled.
"good luck on your school assignment. you look so worried." she smiled.
"oh... well, thank you!" i really meant it.

humbling. grace and peace come from unlikely places. can i keep my heart open to receive it when it is offered?

sigh

this morning when i left for school it was snowing.
then it rained for a while.
then the sun came out in the afternoon.
then it hailed about 20 minutes ago.
now it's raining again.

for my thoughts on this, see previous post.
kind of wishing to be somewhere besides here.

a small demand

it needs to be spring. now.

geek alert

i have taken to playing online literati, a scrabble-type word game with my youngest brother david.
he's beaten me everytime so far, which is galling because 1) i hate losing 2) i'm pretty good at word games.
it's really pissing me off.

it's almost as bad as the christmas when he and i played super mario tennis on the nintendo 64 for three days and he beat me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

that still makes me mad.

special

this post is dedicated to loyal and heretofore unknown blog reader gordon tisher. hi gordon!

your wife andrea is really cool.

any other readers want to make themselves known? i'll be nice to you.

and another thing i like about vancouver is...

ultimate frisbee.

i learned how to play ultimate frisbee up here in vancouver. three years now of playing on an intramural team for regent against other ubc students. they are younger and faster and sometimes really hungover but still faster (i hate it when that happens).

i could barely throw a frisbee when i started. and i'm still kind of shaky at it, but it's been really fun to learn. and when it's not snowing, but a sunny afternoon, i could play it forever. i can catch though, and am perfectly willing to sacrifice my body on the hard ground going after the disc.

we won today. i got muddied up good and i like that.

things i like in vancouver

well, seeing as how i might not be a resident of vancouver for much longer, i thought i'd reflect on some things i have appreciated about this place that has been my home. we'll see if i make this a regular thing.

I appreciate the vancouver public transit.

i know, "public" and "transit" are practically dirty words in american vocabulary. at the very least they are associated with those poor saps who can't afford cars. this is especially true in california. i practically lived in my car there.

anyway, flashback to my first days as a resident of canada (if you've been watching as much veronica mars as i have, this is where we'd cue a flashy effect and everything would be backlight in a hazy blue light. veronica mars rocks. cue catchy theme music too while were at it.) back to the story. i'm fresh-faced and excited about my new digs. it's the second day of orientation and i am psyched to be at regent. after finishing my business at the bank, i walk out the door to the bus stop. a bus pulls up right away, while i am still about 30 feet away (or 18 meters. conversion is probably incorrect) i'm walking towards the bus, so i start to pick up the pace because i figure it would be rude to make them wait as i saunter up. as i break into an easy jog (so as to not appear overly anxious) i take two steps and trip on the uneven sidewalk by the roots of this tree.

i didn't just fall. I was in the midst of picking up my momentum so i went ass over tea kettle (or head over heels, whichever you prefer). and ended up in a sitting position somehow. i fell pretty hard. and in full view of most of the people on the bus. shaken, but not stirred, i stood up quickly and stepped onto the bus, flashing my bus pass. the bus driver asked, "are you okay?" i was mostly embarrassed, and I mumbled something about being more awake. I looked down at my right hand and saw that it was gashed up pretty good. "oops." i mumbled. i hadn't even felt it until i saw it.

i started to move to find a seat, but then the bus driver pulled out his backpack from behind the chair and unzipped a pocket. he pulled out a bandaid and an alcohol wipe. I started to thank him and held out my hand to take them from him. but he tore open the wipe and asked to see my hand. he examined my hand and began to gingerly swab it, removing the gravel bits in my cut. i started to protest, as the passengers are just sitting there staring at me in silence. but he ignored me, and the fact that during this time 2 following buses had stopped and already pulled away. embarrassed by his kindness, and the many staring eyes, i shyly called out "sorry," to the rest of the bus. no response.

after a final push of pressure on the bleeding, the driver went on to put the bandaid for me. most of this transaction had taken place in silence. i thanked him again and sat down. and we drove to school.

i can't think of any other places that this would occur. certainly not in the places that i've lived before. i think it was a way for me to learn that i was in a good place.

reading week

reading week: it's never long enough.
work: it's always too much.

chickenfoot

before you keep reading you should know that there aren't any pictures of sienna in this post. both of her genetic contributors are in it though.

if you're wondering about the title, it's a dominoes term. say it with a tone of disgust, such as "OOOOH! Chickenfoot!" played an "old man" type of game the other night with housemates and friends. it was fun.

what makes everything more fun? crazy hats.
victory is made sweeter for lara in this furry mad bomber hat.
(these are my hats by the way. i own a lot of useless crap just for times like this)
(a christmas gift from my brother. apparently he thinks i live in the yukon)

jeff kelley: husband. father. patriot.
seen here singing "proud to be an american."
(this hat was from a gift exchange with my cousins. in case you can't see it, that's an eagle and american flag on the beanie. it was bought at a liquor store)

how many babies can you fit in a tote bag?

answer: one. and it's pretty darn cute when you do.

here's one with lara, sienna's mom. it was her idea to do this.


this brings the kelley family photo count to:
sienna: 9
lara: 2
jeff: 2

i realize that i run the danger of only putting pictures of sienna here on the blog. it's hard to resist. plus i'm a total cheeseball.

baby, it's cold outside

yeah, definitely saw little snowflakes coming down while we played ultimate frisbee yesterday. my hands were so numb that i couldn't get them to work so i could put my hair into ponytails. we lost both games. bummer. but it was the first frisbee we'd played since last november. i like to play in the mud though. the cold, not so much.

that's just wrong.

on other fronts, it is reading break. i am amazed that i've made it this far into the semester. even while i am inundated with work, and my motivation/stamina wanes, i am wondering how to "finish well" at regent. the summer school brochures came out last week, and it was odd not to be picking out classes from it. in fact, i haven't even looked the thing over. it took me a while to become a student again, and now i am going to have to figure out how to be a regular person again soon. i have mixed feelings about this.

of course, i still have to graduate first, and there are many miles to go before i sleep.

on a personal level, i am wondering how to do the same thing with the relationships i have formed here. i have been mulling this over since the semester has begun and i have few answers. time is a fleeting thing. and i really hate goodbyes. sigh.

turtle fever

it's catching on everywhere. or at least its being forced on to children who have no way of defending themselves. someday she'll thank me.

turtle power

boys that are friends

this is my buddy dave. it was his 25th birthday yesterday. he sure is friendly looking, isn't he?

but get a few drinks in him and he likes to fight large animals.

this is steve and dave. it wasn't either of their birthdays but i didn't want them to feel left out. plus, singing in a piano bar to a room full off people ignoring them is what they like to do when they've had a few drinks in them. classic.

fatter-day night fever

Lisa: How do you feel? What's inside you right now?
Nelson: Guts... and black stuff... and about fifty Slim Jims.

the binging continues.
with lara and jeff, we consumed 36 hot wings of varying flavors, a "mighty" order of fries, a deep fried snickers bar, 3 nectarine ciders, a beer and salad (you know, because we're watching what we eat). community at its finest.
i'm going to pass out now.

mmmm... sleep

saw this poem quoted in an article by Lauren Winner, concerning sleep.

I don't like the man who doesn't sleep,
says God.
Sleep is the friend of man,
Sleep is the friend of God.
Sleep is perhaps the most beautiful thing
I have created.
And I myself rested on the seventh day. …
But they tell me that there are men
Who work well and sleep badly.
Who don't sleep. What a lack of
confidence in me.
- Charles Peguy, French poet

For the full article, which was eerily appropriate to my life at the moment, click here.

in deep...

i thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday. i blathered on about how i was this close to getting the assault rifle out, and actually told al (our custodian) "don't worry al, i'll kill you last." clearly delusional. because he is a wise man, al just laughed and gave me a hug. he is also bringing me a batch of his wife's cookies because of his own delusion that the seattle seahawks would win the super bowl.

if you ever want to know how long my attention span is for intense single-minded creativity before i start to lose my mind, it is approximately 1.5 months. i think i am now beginning to understand how one suffers for one's art. and also the statement that writing is easy, all you have to do is sit down and open a vein.

i haven't been sleeping, or eating well. i haven't seen anyone besides my housemates, really, lately. i've been writing or reading or writing or trying to sleep but staring at the ceiling, and writing. it makes for a weird kind of life. and it seemed to come to a head yesterday after being sick and finally tackling some harder things for me to write about. there are always tell-tale signs, that i was running myself into the ground. i was just choosing to ignore them until i had run myself into the ground.

luckily, or providentially, i have an observant and caring friend who made sure i ate a good meal (red burrito: 7 of 10 stars), bought me gelato and beer (consumed seperately), and made me go to sleep at 10:15 last night, whether i liked it or not. weird to realize how hard it is to let another person take care of me - i was too tired to put up any fight. an enforced sabbath evening. why, i almost feel like a human being again! instead of a remorseless killing machine.

the most funny part of the evening was getting gelato. upon discovering that they only took cash, i was left standing there with two large gelato cones while sara dashed home to get money. i sat in the window and morosely ate my frutti di bosco, even that activity was exhausting to me. i didn't realize how ridiculous i looked until this stranger asked me if i was hungry. it felt good to laugh.

it's back to the grindstone. but with a better perspective this time. and more awareness of when i'm lagging. and with greater appreciation of rest.

because i have nothing better to do...

see the worst thing about not being able to sleep is that it's just freaking boring.

so, here's 720 - another game that i loved when i was a kid that took away many of my quarters.
SKATE OR DIE! seriously, a swarm of bees that would come kill you? come on.

awake... sort of

apparently, some of the symptoms of my semi-illness are:
shortened attention span - have been unable to focus on studies.
mild narcolepsy - i slept from 6-9 pm this evening.

now i am wide awake, ridden with guilt and worry over school work. well not ridden. maybe semi-worried. or something. ugh. i hate feeling this way.

someone hit me over the head with something, please.

that is all.

sunday night, it's all right

feeling a cold or some kind of illness coming on. trying to fight it off. i think vitamin c is coming out of my pores.

i'm starting to forget what it's like to be with large groups of people. such is thesis mode. although i was walking home from school, after meeting with my advisor. as i thought over the meeting and the writing pieces we were working on, i was cracking myself up. that's a very good thing.

just a few more essays left! gotta dig deep to find the motivation and creativity.

one more video game nostalgia tidbit:
up up down down a b b a = 30 lives

correction:
up up down down left right left right a b b a = 30 lives

thanks alex.

game nostalgia

gauntlet, the game i was talking about yesterday.

on going bonkers...

1. yesterday i was so tired that when i went to check out some books and handed the librarian my bus pass instead of library card.

2. today, i caught myself humming "baby baby" by amy grant. I should be shot for this musical transgression.

audrey needs rest badly. (to be said in same tone as in 80s video game gauntlet, when the game says "warrior/elf/wizard/valkyrie needs food badly" that was one of the dumber games out there in that you LOST health points for fighting the baddies. but there was no way not to fight them. but a sure way to keep us kids feeding the quarters in. i feel so betrayed)

sigh...

i saw the sun yesterday and today.

life is good.

this is all i see...

waking or dreaming.


hello, thesis? you're kicking my ass. please stop.

super bowl

took 2 days off that i probably shouldn't have to go to seattle, hang out with old friends and watch the super bowl.

i'll be paying for it, but it was SO worth it.

a few of my favorite things...

favorite thing # 23:
hoodies. it's right up there with brothers.
here's me and one of the bros. we're tough. oh yes, we're tough.

where i am right now...

but just imagine that the tunnel is way longer. like really really long. like the chunnel long. and the light isn't so bright. or that i can see the light at all right now.
because ...
metaphorically: i am up to my eyeballs in thesis writing (nothing kills creativity or humor like anxiety can. unless i were to actually be killed somehow)
literally: i live in vancouver. and it was rainy and windy and cold and generally nasty today. blech.