Wednesday, March 11, 2009

my bad

i know i know i missed posting yesterday. i was actually really sleepy at 11, and seeing as how i have not kept "normal" sleeping hours in a while, i thought i'd roll with it. 2 posts today, or an extra long one.

trying to regroup and continue my job search. my zeal for the task was transferred into my hopes that i would get that job. hard to switch gears. and you know, it's hard to keep the same level of enthusiasm/momentum or keep coming up with new plans of attack, etc. etc. remember that panda scene from anchorman? that's sort of how i feel about my job search right now:

Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off. [to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk.

not sure if that made any sense to you, but it made me laugh at least. and as long as i can do that, i figure i'll be okay.

i pick up odd jobs here and there. babysitting and the like. yesterday a friend paid me to drive her son and his friend to their lacrosse game since she was going to be out of town. i agreed because i knew it would be entertaining. of course, i am someone who is amused when i am driving down grand avenue in oakland and "what is love (baby don't hurt me)" by haddaway is blasting at top volume and two teenage boys are hanging their heads out the window bopping their heads. i realize that not everyone would feel the same way. i have become used to this kind of thing - i mean, it had been a while since i had done something like that, but my brother and his friends in high school would do it all the time. so it didn't really faze me. of course, becoming a geezer means that i have a lower tolerance for listening to music at high volumes. i was glad to have a more mellow ride alone on the way back.

on the way to the game, i was posed with the question: "so how's the job search? i mean, what do you for a living right now?" i responded: "today, it's driving you to your game." i added that i had some money saved up. today, i wondered what kind of example i am to these kids i know, what they'll remember about me later on. a faithful friend? someone who doesn't have friends her own age? what?

a few years ago, i took jr. highers on a ski trip. i am inept at snow sports, so i took the snowboarding lesson with some kids. then we proceeded to fall down all over the bunny slopes the rest of the day. once i fell down really hard - like flat on my face - near the lodge and i heard people on the deck about 50 yards away go "oooh," then i realized they were from our group and they realized it was me and we all laughed really hard. other kids were following me down the hill to watch me eat it several times, and laugh at me. it was frustrating, certainly, and yet somehow i was okay with kids seeing me totally suck at something. nothing against the previous leader, but he was golden boy athletic all-star and kids are self-conscious as it is already. i didn't really expect any of the kids to come to that realization themselves, but showing this side of me and eating a lot of snow and humble pie in front of them was important to me.

i mean, there's so much pushing and pulling these kids to succeed and excel and be perfect and popular and cool and so on (inculding sometimes how we frame things at church). we forget what it is like to be simply human and that life doesn't always go in a straight line and we NEED god's grace. these are words i forget often. and it's easy to see things in black and white and that when things don't go your way that equals FAIL. i don't know what i'm really getting at, and i'm probably over-thinking things because that's what i do. but i do hope that in the midst of my own struggle to find God's way for me and to be faithful to Him, that maybe someday down the road when they are frustrated they'd think, hey audrey didn't always get it right the first time either, it's okay.

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