head like a hole, black as your soul

hey blogland.

i spent the weekend with my church in santa cruz for our annual church conference. i appreciate that they call it a conference as opposed to a retreat. it's really fun and one of my favorite events of the year - but restful it ain't.

a short list of highlights:
playing knockout in the gym
eating a lot of good food
hearing good words from our speaker, craig barnes
going to the boardwalk and riding the giant dipper - one of those ol' fashioned wooden roller coasters
taking a hilarious picture on the giant dipper
eating a freshly made churro
playing mini golf and winning a free game by getting a hole in one on the 18th hole

unfortunately, i lost the game of mini golf. which isn't such a big deal, but i had made a bet with one of the kids. i led for most of the game too, and fell apart at the end, to lose by 2 strokes. so that night in the dining hall, as a few hundred people enjoyed their meal, i went up on stage, said hi to everyone, and sang "i'm a little teapot." with hand motions of course. yeah. this kind of thing doesn't even faze me anymore. perhaps it is the camp setting that brings out this side of me.

the low of the weekend was the awful awful awful headache that knocked me out of commission on sunday morning. it had been low grade most of saturday, and i tried to be dilligent about being hydrated and also getting my caffeine fix. i managed to down some breakfast and only lasted about 3 minutes into the morning session - when the band started to play and i had to get out of there. i lay on a bench outside and tried to stick it out for the speaker but i soon gave up. i needed drugs. i drove myself down to the drugstore. i was in such a hurry to get back to camp and could barely think straight, other customers had to tell me i dropped my wallet as i staggered out to my car.

i got to the far side of the parking lot in my car before the motion finally put my hurting brain over the edge. i had to pull over and throw up in a corner of the parking lot. god knows what the dudes at the bus stop thought of seeing a car pull over on a sunday morning, the driver throw up out the door without even turning the car off, and then driving away.

i am mostly recovered now. i stayed in the youth dorm, so of course i did not sleep all that much, which was probably a factor. basically, it was the only way i could go to the conference, pauper that i am. quite honestly though, i find these guys these guys to be the most fun.

engrish

seen in my favorite bagel shop in vancouver. a) obvious grammatical issues b) in a bagel shop, wouldn't it be safe to assume that there would be cream cheese, making this sign unnecessary?

adventures in babysitting

while in vancouver, i was lucky enough to spend a good bit of time with one ben halton/splinter and one charlie oudshoorn. now, their parents and probably other friends of mine with kids would want to know where they rank on my list of cool kids i know. rest assured friends, that my heart is large enough to hold them all equally. that was probably the cheesiest but sincere sentence that has been written here on this here blog. pardon me while i throw up a little bit.

anyhow, i passed agreeable afternoon with benny while his mom went to work. he only cried a little when she left, and when i let him play with my cell phone, we were bff. at one point, he seemed restless, so i decided to brave the rain and go out for a walk with the stroller. i figured i would be the only fool out in the rain for an aimless walk, and it would be less likely to be embraced by the filipino nanny corps of vancouver (though if it means i'd get to stay in vancouver and my friends don't exploit me too much, i'd consider it).

while my relational skills with kids and babies are pretty good, my knowledge of baby gadgetry fails me. during my time at regent, i was taking hudson to meet his dad there after his class got out. i successfully maneuvered us onto the #4 bus, stroller and backpack and toddler in tow. i was rather pleased with myself, folding the stroller to get on the bus and i even let hudson pull the line to signal our stop. of course, once i got off the bus, though, i could not, for the life of me, get the stroller to unfold. i could find no secret button. to my chagrin, i had to walk the block to school holding hudson's hand and dragging the stupid folded stroller with my other hand. i'm sure we made for an amusing sight.

of course, i had forgotten that fiasco, and i strapped ben into the BOB stroller and threw on the rain fly. of course, i can't figure out where the straps attach to the stroller. i was undeterred and we went out into the drizzle. periodically i would look over the stroller every few minutes to see if inspiration would strike. i was actually glad i didn't run into any other nannies or BOB-owning parents. i was fairly sure mensa would never accept me for membership now (even though a rain fly is basically like wrapping the damn thing in saran wrap and ben would have been fine). especially 2 days later when i went with jane to the grocery store in the rain. as i watched her expertly put it on - i had the fool thing upside down. some au pair i am.

every picture tells a story

in case you were wondering, this is how exciting it was to see my friends up north.

triple nerd score

so, thanks to facebook, my obsession for scrabble has been revived. i loved playing this game growing up. i also recall getting into vehement arguments with my brother and cousin when we played at one of his favorite college pubs. good times.

many friends share this obsession and thanks go out to jane for tipping me off about this book. can't go wrong with a title like Word Nerd? when i told another friend about the book, she responded, "so it's a story about you?" good burn! anyway, it's "youth" fiction. but when a story is good, it works with any audience. the story itself is great, and the fact that scrabble is an integral part of the story is icing on the cake. (there - you happy now jane? and don't think i haven't forgotten that we left our series tied 2-2. time for another game!)

preferential option?

here's another book from the same used bookstore. somehow i managed to hold off buying this one.

weird parenting

on my last day in seattle, i accompanied my friend katie to work. after unsuccessfully trying to convince her to take me into her office and tell her colleagues that it was "take your daughter to work" day, i went and hung out in the park to read. this was after i had wandered into the used bookstore and went on the binge i mentioned previously.

while awkwardly tossing a frisbee that almost hit her to an equally awkward man, this mom (who appears to not know him all that well) tells him, "oh we're just at the park for johnny to ride some laps on his bike. it's been a long winter, and he's gained a good bit of weight." WTF? i wasn't so sure i heard her right, until her son rides by and she calls "ok one more lap! real fast this time." the kid puffs past me, and he didn't seem all that overweight to me. again, i must say, WTF? i'm not quite able to do this scene the full justice in how freaking weird this was.

i mean, fine, take your kid to the park to be active. but to announce to near strangers your intentions? about something that could be really sensitive for your son? i wanted to beam her in the nose with her frisbee.

oh em gee

so i'm back in the hot state of california. my travels were quite fun. it did my soul much good to see old friends. more on that later.

i just wanted to share this great book i picked up at a book store... which i then promptly threw on the ground and stomped on. don't worry, it wasn't at the regent bookstore, but a used bookstore chain. i did find an NT wright book and a jim wallis book, in addition to other good books i have found at this chain before. so i find this to be the odd exception, rather than the frightening rule. i didn't even open it, though i am now curious to see how they structured the book. it probably would have made me really angry, so it's just as well.

rather than try to write about the past week and a half in one big post, i will try to break them down into smaller ones, divided according to my whim. that way i'll be more likely to blog. i know you all love it when i do. if you are good little readers, i might even post something later tonight! i probably shouldn't taunt you this way. i'll stop. ... but checking back later wouldn't hurt.

i done a bad thing.

like a moth to a flame, i am drawn to bookstores. i broke my vow not to buy any more books until i finished my current pile of books at home. i've done all right since last summer. but i was on vacation this past week. and i've pretty much pushed the pile of books back to it's original size.

i am weak. and nerdy. come kick sand in my face.

word nerds

scrabble competition has been fierce here in the vancouver division. evenings pass in companionable silence and concentration, while the dulcet tones of the rachel maddow show streams on the computer in the background. if you a) know what dulcet means, and b) have actually heard rachel maddow then you would find this ironic.

i realized at one point that, while the evening was damn near perfect to me, perhaps others would consider this to be a setting for old people. about 10 seconds after that thought, my friend played the word "penis" on the scrabble board (scoring way more than just the 7 point tile value, because that's how we roll). this elicited a flurry of snickers, thereby demonstrating our maturity level. which is somewhere in the neighborhood of late adolescence. don't think i'd have it any other way.

back 40

a friend on facebook is on vacation in hawaii. each day there is a new little picture of the places she's been to. i've blocked her for the week. nothing personal. but come on. clearly i will not be doing that here. besides all i've taken pictures of so far are my friends' cute children. and no, my biological clock is not ticking.

in any case, vancouver is as blue as i have seen it in my dreams. wait... that's that pacific ocean at the end of shawshank redemption. vancouver is as green as i remember. and erratically sunny, cloudy, rainy, warm and cold. and the people are as great. and the hockey fans are as disappointed in the canucks' losses.

this was typed on the back porch of my friends apartment, since she was out running errands when i showed up. her neighbors don't seem too perturbed that someone climbed over their railing and is just sitting on the patio. unfortunately there is no bathroom out on the patio. that might perturb the neighbors.

baby baby, i'm taken with the notion

sometimes you see old friends and it's like no time has passed at all. in spite of the fact that time of course has passed, and the evidence of that is a baby. yeah, a whole new person that is small, and cranky much of time, but still charming. it is good to be around people you have a (relatively) long history with, who you know and who know you well, and then to sit around with them on a couch all day talking. holiday so far: two thumbs up.

all i can do is pour some tea for two

so i'm in vancouver. the change of scenery is quite welcome, even if the rain seems to have followed me from california to canada. whatever - it's vancouver, it's to be expected.

it only took roughly 11 hours from my door in california to the door of my old housemate and his wife and baby son. subway train, plane, bus, cab. who knew that sitting on your ass for so long could make you tired? i always stay up late packing, and ended up sleeping for most of the plane and bus ride. i also had a ipod of newly downloaded podcasts, a couple of books, and the bus even had wireless on it - which kind of blew my mind. i would have blogged on the bus, but staring at the screen for a little while made me feel carsick.

looking forward to seeing people i dearly love. except for maybe dan. even if he is a new dad, he is still a dirty bastard. oh, it's fun to have friends to talk to like this.

nice day for a white wedding

going to a good friend's wedding tonight. looking forward to celebrating them, seeing old friends, eating good food, and a little bit o dancing. wedding band name: bust a groove. can't lose.

i certainly miss the habit of writing everyday since lent. i think trying to find something to share with friends on the blog keeps me from getting into more melancholy states of mind. of which there have been plenty of late. what can i say? since i turned 30, i think i've spent more time unemployed than employed. that gets your spirits down at some points, no matter who you are.

the other thing that helps my mood is volunteering in the tenderloin. it's break from the "woe is audrey, the universe revolves around me" show in my mind. i have it on tivo anyway. i enjoy the community there.

i suppose the downturn in spirits has something to do with the fact that i am back in my parents' house. dont' get me wrong, i am thankful for a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. it's just the same old familial patterns and driving distance (albeit it relatively short) from my nascent friend network. on top of the futile job market. stupid job market.

wanderlust/homebody

i've been oscillating between these two extremes as i consider life. on one hand, i'm a diehard introvert that hates making small talk... and yet as things don't seem to be happening here i've started wondering what else is out there. a friend pointed out to me that what i view as rootlessness, could also be seen as freedom. it depends on my mood.

end of an era

tonight was our final trivia night. our faithful host is moving on to greener pastures. i'm not kidding, i think he's going to work for an environmental non-profit. how does that sucker find a job when he already had one? i'm jealous. woe is me.

through the long winter last year, trivia night was undoubtedly my favorite part of the week. friends, cheap beer, laughs and nerdiness abounded. and on the odd night, we won free drinks and once even the cash prize. it was a great way to meet people outside the church bubble. we've actually ended up hanging out more outside of monday nights. good times. i suppose we could try to find another trivia night, but this was just the right combination of being nerdy and having juvenile humor and being raucous all in one.

today's bitterness has been assuaged by the fact that some kind soul found my wallet and turned it in to the cal student store, near where i ate my lunch. the cards and everything in it were intact. amazing.

someone in the store security called me to let me know and i booked it over there. the day has improved a great deal.

can't find my damn wallet. on the bright side, it is a change of pace from applying to jobs that you know that no one is going to get back to you anyway.

today is a bitter day.

hedging bets

yeah, i was right. after temperatures in the 90s over the past few days, tomorrow it's supposed to drop a whopping 30 degrees for tomorrow. and maybe rain on friday. what in the world? it's actually pretty welcome relief.

oh lord. i'm talking about the weather on the blog. my apologies.

status: holding steady. still no job. i'm hanging in there. considering selling my plasma. i'm not that desperate (yet). besides, i heard it doesn't even really pay that well. i kind of want to do it just so i could write about it. has anyone actually done this? please share.

driving with the windows down

it's that time of year to throw the frisbee in the trunk of your car, because you don't know when you're going to want to use it.

then again, it's also that time of year the bay area gets hit with an unseasonal heat wave for a week. then it goes back to being early spring chilly weather and overcast for most of may and june. and then the heat wave comes back to kick you in the ass again in late september and october.

then again, it's the bay area, so i really ought not to complain.

poor me

some good friends visited for the weekend. didn't realize how much it would lift my spirits to spend that time with people. still not very good at balancing my introverted lifestyle choice. not that there's anything wrong with that. but the happy social time seems to feed the writing time and vice versa. haven't booked my flight to the van yet, trying to figure out if i should pass through seattle first or go direct. time to dust off the ol' passport.

walking uphill in the snow both ways

one day i'm going to be this cranky old lady talking about how times were hard in my day. "why back in '08 and '09 i didn't have a job! and that's the way it was!" i'll just leave out the part how i house-sat some super nice houses for nine month.

take the red pill or the blue pill

i put my phone in with my laundry the other day. i tried to dry it off, but i think it is beyond repair. i feel so out of the matrix. as if i am important enough to need to be reachable 24-7. i'm not a doctor or anything.

good things

since most of my readers are the people i'm about to mention, this won't be much of a surprise to them. however, i feel the need to write about this. it's taken me a little while, as i was largely struck speechless. thanks, friends. of course words fail to convey the depth of feeling on this unexpected surprise.

there were also warm fuzzies, but less in a cutesy sentimental way and more in a sense of deep blessing and care kind of way. friends came together from vancouver, seattle, chinook (MT) and marion (NY) to fund a visit the good ol' pacific northwest with cash to spare for a round (or 3) of pints. your generosity inspires me.

owned

this morning as i drove up to church, i saw two youths, brothers, standing on the corner. in a jolly mood, i rolled down the window to say hi. they returned the greetings. then the older one gives me a grave look and says, "it makes me sad that you drove to church this morning, audrey. you should have taken the bus." a flip answer failed me, and he had a good point - i was driving alone. he was also so serious about it, i could only say, "i know. i'm sorry, man." and then pull away to park in the garage.

p.s. the tooth pain seems to be shifting daily to different teeth. very odd.

happy easter, friends!
may the wonderful absurdity of this day soak into your heart.

wha?

during a recent conversation about life, the place where i've been volunteering comes up. i explain is it is franciscan and blablabla serves in the tenderloin, etc. etc.

person's response: "i could see you as a nun."

umm... thanks? but no thanks.

tooth aches. dental insurance, please.

famous last words

house and pet sitting still.

after scoffing at a friend, "dude. it's a pet tortoise. it's not going to sneak up on you," a few nights ago, said tortoise has startled me no less than three times. it might be a teenage mutant ninja tortoise.

whoops

well... i missed 2 days in a row. my bad. my excuse? i was outside. i live in california, what do you want from me?

i also wanted to post some pictures, but it is hard to keep track of things when my belongings are in three different locations. really, the third location is my parents house, and the extraneous stuff is there. but even in having things in 2 different places is hard enough. so i don't know where the stupid cord is.

attended a hollywood themed volunteer appreciation dinner. when the majority of the volunteers are over 60, that just makes things hilarious to me. as i walked up to the building, i spotted an 80 year old man in a top hat, and tux, with a cane. a lot of them took their costumes seriously. i was not costumed, in case you were wondering. it was cool to see all the volunteers together. the dinner is when they recognize volunteers who have been there for 5, 10, and 25 years. one woman had even been there for 31 years! you know what i've done for about that long? been alive. actually the only other thing i can think of that i have done on a consistent basis for a long time: been a christian (doing a middling to fair job at that. man, i really like grace). a little bit over half the time i've been alive. so i've got that.

anyway, i hope i am a part of things that long. only 9 years and 5 months until i get an apron with my name embroidered on it. the only bummer is then i have to wash the apron myself. the lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.

yesterday was a most triumphant palm sunday. makes the shock of good friday even more stark. i love holy week for all its highs and lows and unbelievable surprises.

diverse interests

hung out with some parents, youth staff and graduating seniors tonight. talked a bit about the transition to college and whatnot with them. good food, good laughs, good people - a recipe for a good evening. topped off with the hot tub of the mansion i'm house-sitting (yes i'm back here for a week) and that's a winner of a friday night.

made me think about my own time in college and what that was like. seriously - i graduated 11 years ago? 11? man, that was a long time ago (interestingly, the recruit is on tv right now while writing this and i can still recognize most of the DC locations where they filmed). most of college was spent thusly: going to crew practice, busting my ass at crew practice, leaving practice, eating, going to extra workout, busting my ass doing extra workout, leaving extra workout, eating more, going to class, picking my callused rowing hands in class, and then sleeping. sometimes i showered. along the way, made some lifelong friends in spite of smelling bad for most of 4 years and really started to be responsible for my own faith.

the end of lent approaches... hopefully i will keep blogging on a regular basis. this has been a fun exercise, and i've noticed that i'm more attentive to the world around me. more appreciative of the details. like when i talked about welding with the guy at the intersection ... i knew i was going to blog about that. this is just something that's good for me, whether or not people are reading this.

so palm sunday approaches... things i'm thinking about doing on sunday, in addition to regularly scheduled church programming ... maybe this, followed by this. reflective of what a well-rounded person i am. anyone want to come along? i mean it'd be fun, but more fun with other people. and i'd be more likely to follow through on this.

keys

see that? keys to five houses. parents, friend's, and various people that have asked me to take care of their pets. it gives me something to do during the day. these are probably the most keys i have ever had to carry around at once. i feel a little bit like a custodian.

p.s. on further reflection, the case could also be made that i am slowly becoming a crazy cat lady. my dreams are coming true.

eeeeeeeeeeee

Friday Night Lights back for 2! more seasons.

safety dance

this morning i was headed across town to join the morning baby kaffeeklatsch at our trivia night coffee shop. i like babies. i also am trying to sleep in so much (see aforementioned unstructured life). so it is fun to see friends, even if they are talking about breast feeding a lot.

anyway, i stop at a red light and i slowly realize that the old chinese lady is not crossing the street in front of me, but approaching my window. i don't really know why these kinds of things are happening to me right now. anyway, she asks if i am going by the north berkeley bart station. i am, and a split second later i am moving my backpack to the back seat so she can get in. you know, why the hell not? and i could totally have taken her if she tried anything funny.

turns out she is trying to get to the oakland senior center for her morning ballroom dance class. so cute. she explains that she is retired and i say, "hey i am too. well, i'm unemployed. but saying i'm retired sounds better doesn't it?" apparently she likes the oakland senior center for their selection of activities because the one near her house only offers trips to reno and the like. i'm assuming this is for the gambling and probably also trips to the outlets. in which case i would agree with her.

then i get the story that her license is suspended. this involved a lot of arm waving and exclaiming that the cop was mistaken in giving her a ticket and making her retake her driver's test at the dmv two weeks ago. after the hassle of going to different dmv offices, (which i am convinced is a level of hell on earth) she passed the vision and the written exam, but not the driver's exam. i felt bad for her loss of independence, while also wondering about the possible safety issues there. i asked her why she asked me for a ride, and she told me she only asks women. hahaha...

i learned a lot in the 5-7 minutes it took to get to the bart station. it was quite amusing.

navel gazing

need a new hobby. better yet, a job!

i grow tired of my unstructured life. i try to enjoy it for this season, and i think i have made the most of it thus far. i worry that i have become too used to this speed of life and wonder if i will be able to shift up a few gears when it becomes necessary. i just feel self-absorbed and a bit anchor-less.

what i would really like to be doing is living generously. with my money, time, talents, etc. and i think i have been, as far as i am able to right now. one can always do more, i suppose. but the value of being generous has been on my mind for quite a while. while. i think that this season i have been made to accept other's generosity, be it sharing their home, buying me a cup of coffee or lunch, throwing an odd job my way or going for walk & conversation. for these things, i am able to say that i feel blessed.

sunny sunday

got home late last night after volunteering at an old college friend's fundraiser. it was cool to see her in action, and to see the kids who benefit from the program, as well as just to be out and about for an evening. free wine and dinner was more than enough compensation for me. made a weak attempt at networking but mostly just enjoyed helping out. during dinner i sat next to a man talking about how his company is working on a fully electric car, when his friend on the other side of me asked me what i did, i simply grinned and responded, "well, that's a good question!" which made him laugh, at least. i'm not big on schmoozing anyway. it is interesting to see a different but necessary aspect of nonprofit work.

spent a pleasant evening tonight with friends and had a disagreement with a 3 year old over whether or not 7 is more than 5. just for the record, i was arguing that 7 is indeed more than 5. even when he turned to his mom, the ultimate authority, he still didn't believe her. even when we held the numbers up on our fingers. and counted the eggs in the picture that started this whole debate. he remained unswayed. what are ya gonna to do?

... i had other things on my mind to write but i can't seem to recall them right now. that's pretty weak on my part, i know. sorry 'bout that.

???

went to a high school lacrosse game today. it did me good to sit outside in the sunshine.
when i met a kid before we sat down in the bleachers, she introduced me to the guy she was talking to.
him: "nice to meet you... so you go to berkeley high?"
me (can't tell if he is joking or serious): "er... yeah."

whereupon my friend bursts out laughing - i had intended to carry the farce on as long as i could - and corrects him, saying that i am 30. alas. i couldn't tell if i should be happy or sad that he asked. i chose happy. it was a pretty funny moment.

brain is fuzzy. eyes are glassy. feeling blah.
in spite of my best mental efforts to not feel ill, i feel kinda ill.
blech.

red light, green light

today at a red light, i gave some change to a guy that was panhandling. surprisingly, he stood outside my window to make a little conversation while i was stopped.

guy: "hey thanks for the change. i'm actually going back to work in a few weeks."
me: "oh that's good. what do you do?"
guy: "oh, i'm a welder. i been a welder since 1975 (ed. note: incidentally this is longer than i have been alive so i was duly impressed) yeah that was when i got certified. then one year a disk went POP in my back... but i'm going back to work soon. and what do you do?
me (a little surprised he asked me this): oh, well i'm unemployed. looking for a job. i wish i knew how to weld stuff.
guy (suddenly more animated): oh no no! you don't want to do that? it's hard work. man's work. why i only knew two or three women welders.

(light turns green)
me: oh, well, i guess you are right.

as i start to pull away, a thought hits me. i lean my head out the window and yell back to him: "hey wait, what about rosie the riveter? come on!" (laughs)

he thinks this over, smiles and shrugs - i'm not sure if this mean he was conceding my point, or he didn't know who she was. rosie the riveter and all the women workers from WW2 have a monument at the shipyards near here, so i'm betting he knew of her.

and i continued on my way, glad for the brief connection with him.

costumed anarchy

as some of you know, i went to THE george washington university. don't ask me why they always made a big point of the "THE" - they just did; i think it had something to do with our inferiority complex with georgetown and probably also how we were always just outsidethe top 25 or 50 universities in the country. obviously, being THE george washington university shows what a classy school we are. we referred to our school as gee-dubbs, dubbs and one friend recently said to me, "oh, you went to G Triple-U!" that last one is pure gold.

the reason i am thinking about this is because i am caught up in march madness. my school failed to even make it to the A10 tournament this year. why, in my day, we at least made it to the tournament. c'mon, it's the A10, people, not the ACC. i mean, we're in the same league as st. bonaventure bonnies. the bonnies? ooh, that's intimidating. if any of my old dubbs buddies reads this, was it a bird? st. joseph's was the school that had the eagle looked like an oil spill victim and continuosly flapped it's wings.

this kind of musing of course led me down memory lane. see this guy? it's george washington, our faithful mascot for the george washington colonials. yeah, colonials - that's not even a noun, man. that's just the grammar nerd side of me coming out. anyway - take another look at george. note his beady eyes and blank gaze. terrifying.

let me tell you about me and george... my senior year, i had a column in the school newspaper. if you googled me, you'd be able to find the articles. this is how i got the column: my roommate's boyfriend was the op/ed editor, and he said, "hey audrey do you want a column in the paper?" and that was that. so i basically what i write on this blog got printed in the newspaper every other week.

during our basketball preseason, i came up with a list of rules for george, so that we could fully enjoy the game. and yes, this ran in the paper:

1.) Don’t touch me.

2.) I’m trying to watch the game. Please don’t stand in front of me waving your arms, sit next to me, behind me, or anywhere in my bleacher section.

3.) Don’t touch me. I mean it.

4.) I have a grasp on the game of basketball, as do most of the other fans, I’m sure. It’s a little demeaning when you’re screaming into a microphone telling us when to cheer. We know when the team is doing well or doing badly. We will react accordingly.*

5.) Feel free to crowd surf. I’m not guaranteeing that I’ll hold you up, though. See rules 1 and 3.

6.) More giveaways! We Dubbs students love free stuff.

7.) Did I say don’t touch me? I’ll hurt you.

If you follow these rules, then we can all enjoy the game a little bit more. Plus, I won’t have to see if I can put my fist through George’s plastic head. Okay, so I’m a little sensitive.

* ed. note:#4 was in reference to a new addition to games: "superfan" a student in a wig and shades that was supposed to get the crowd fired up. which consisted of him mainly yelling into a mic to stand up. i hated him. throughout the column, i called him superdork. supergeek, etc. shortly after this column came out he was fired. which was not my intention at all. i'm not even really sure how much my article had to do with his demise, but i certainly didn't help him. i felt kind of bad, but not for very long.

so people laugh and we move on... a few weeks later, we're in the dining hall watching gw play on espn in maui invitational. my friends and i are at a table by the window sort of studying for finals. the invitational was kind of a big deal, so the pep band was there, and cheerleaders and probably free food. my friends and i are goofing around and then out of the corner of my eye, i see something looming. GEORGE IS THERE. hands on hips, staring me down. look at that picture again. TERRIFYING. my friends are just about peeing themselves, they are laughing so hard, but i have curled up into the fetal position. he reaches over and just barely touches my arm with his index finger. and then he left. no words were exchanged beyond my initial, "what the hell?..." and trailing off into whimpers. see, george doesn't talk, and it's top secret as to who is George. i think that years from now, i will get a letter for a friend of mine in which he confesses that he was the one who tormented me. you see, this was not an isolated incident. GEORGE came up to me at some point during EVERY GAME that season. he would just stand there and stare at me. sometimes coming really close to touching my arm, sometimes not. every time i would be rendered speechless and my friends ate it up.

sometimes i still wake up in the night screaming. that's not true. i already had a irrational mistrust of mascots (see: any of the characters from chuck e. cheese establishments,especially the purple monster, mr. munch. seriously.). now, i am openly hostile. actually that is not true either, because once stomper the elephant, the a's mascot plopped down on my lap during a game and i was reduced to gasping wordlessly. is there a support group out there?


*** in more current news, it looks like the anthology i submitted an essay to a long long time ago, is going to be published. end of the summer perhaps. so that's pretty cool. i found out when i was sulking a few weeks ago so i kind of played it off. i'm still learning to not to do that so much. i'm excited to see what the finished product looks like. a nice surprise in this uncertain time.

living life without limits, woo!

i have a sore throat. i am very annoyed. i JUST got over being sick. and i hate jamba juice. and i hate sitting around - well, most of the time. my immune system is letting me down - i usually don't get sick very often.

i woke up this morning not feeling very well. but i knew staying home would just mean me lying in bed feeling sorry for myself so i pulled it together to go volunteer. i'm glad i did - i saw one of my favorite ex-kitchen guys, J, in the break room. he's moved on to some other part of the rehab program so i don't see him much anymore. we exchange deadpan banter and generally goof around:
me: hey j, how are you?
j: oh ... waiting to die.
me: hey, me too. nice!
and so on...

i also got to be a part of an absurd pantomime with a tiny elderly chinese woman who didn't speak english. i didn't understand the request she was making and we somehow figured out that she just wanted rice without the beef stew. when i handed her the tray of rice, she let out this really great cackle/laugh.

applying to another job at the same place and i managed to introduce myself to the department director. it is handy when they come into the break room for lunch and wear nametags. so hopefully i stick out in a good way and this goes somewhere. in any case, i count the encounter towards my practice of extroversion this year.

and then i went home and felt terrible. but it was worth it. hopefully this doesn't turn into a full blown cold or illness.

questionable at best

a while back i was walking by a toy store and saw this in the window. i had to stop and stare at it for a while to make sure what i was seeing. oh, playmobil. you german people are so weird.
that's right, you are looking at a playmobil set of a gladiator coliseum. complete with lions. and chariots. and emperor with his thumb down. this bothers me more than cowboy and indian toys, or toy tanks and guns. probably because this was just a form of entertainment for the romans. not that war makes any more sense, or that toys should be made for this senseless act.

still, playmobil? poor decision. come on.

none... none more black

just got home from a temp job of sorts. a family that i am friends with hosted a dinner party tonight. i was paid to help plate and serve a five course meal, complete with palate cleansers and wines paired with each course. some people take their food seriously. like iron chef seriously - there were diagrams for presentation. i think the mom, who i have coffee with fairly often, feels bad that i don't have a job, so gave me this opportunity along with her teenaged son and daughter. my pride has sometimes flared up here and there in this unemployment time, but this sounded fun so i happily agreed. i looked forward to the time with the kids and helping out some friends. that fact that money was involved was a bonus. i mean, i also got to sample each of the courses, play video games with the boy, and watch "best in show" afterward with the fam. there are worse ways to pass a saturday night.

i should also add that i finally saw "this is spinal tap" last night. and then "best in show tonight." it's a christopher guest mockumentary weekend. freaking hilarious stuff.

mental fortitude

i did two brackets for the ncaa tournament. one i dashed off quickly without really thinking about it. the other one, i actually read a few capsules about the teams. which one is doing better? yeah - the first one. i picked siena my reasons: 1) some team has to be upset so it might as well be ohio state, and 2) my favorite housemate in vancouver is named sienna - close enough. i mean, who can argue with that logic? this is why i love college basketball.

p.s. look for another posting later today. i know, i know - sometimes i just want to go to sleep instead of tool around on my computer any more than i already do.

madness

ncaa basketball tournament. probably one of my favorite sporting events of the year. i guess one of the times that it's good i don't have a job so i can watch the games. whoo, silver lining!

bookworming

was up waaaaaaayyy too late last night reading "a thousand splendid suns" by khaled hosseini. found a copy at my parents house and immediately stowed it in my backpack. hosseini is a pretty amazing writer, i fall into his stories like few others. no one else i've read has made me want to learn more about a country's actual history. afghanistan is a sad and beautiful country. my fiction fix is far from satisfied, though, and i must confess that i broke down and bought two books from a used book store. desperate times. also, my latest nonfiction book smells funny. it's kind of distracting and demotivating.

run and gun

bro has the hookup with warriors tickets, so it was my turn to accompany him tonight. the way the warriors have been playing, it's debatable if this is a good/fun thing to do. he informed me that in spite of this, the warriors are one of the few nba teams turning a profit this season. what i don't understand is how these fans don't transfer to being oakland a's fans. the reality that the a's will move away from oakland saddens me - this is the team i grew up on. maybe i will just move to where they end up. besides san jose, hopefully.

the warriors got the win, in an ugly fashion. but a win is a win. and i am now a fan of anthony randolph. hopefully him and ellis will stick around long enough to be real ballers on this team.

lent is roughly half over now. i think the habit to write is something i am getting used to. it was just important each day that i wrote something, anything. hopefully on this back half of lent i can conjure up some more intentional writing. i'm not making any guarantees though. but i'll try.

ew

you'd think that as you age, at least you'd outgrow having pimples. especially the kind of zit you can feel coming on a few days before it really shows up and it feels like all your nerve endings in your face now end in that zit and you know you shouldn't touch it but you can't help it because it is slowly driving you insane. so that was my monday - how was yours?

actually monday is one of my more favorite days of the week these days because it's when i go volunteer. it offers a little more structure than other days. i was the traffic director again - it's all right i suppose, in the playing a video game kind of way. i don't get to interact with people as much. it is funny to observe how volunteers interact with each other. we seem more willing to offer the guests respect than each other. i don't really get why that is the case but it fascinates me. a different job listing has been posted; i know i want to jump on that, but a part of me also is hesitant to get denied again. foolish, yes. human, yes. i guess life is choosing to overcome those hesitations.

backsliding

well. doggedly sticking to my lenten vow.

friday i was out late, celebrating a 3 year old's birthday at benihana. want to renew your wonder and amusement for the world? hang out with a 3 year old, especially at benihana. the sight of a sliced mushroom sizzling on the grill was never so hilarious.

i planned to blog yesterday after hanging out with the brothers. but during the course of the afternoon developed a splitting mind-crushing headache. so i crawled into bed at about 8 or so, in my regular clothes, immediately and blessedly fell asleep until about 10:30 and i got up to change and brush my teeth. then i got back in bed and did not get up again until 10:30 am. i am fully recovered - thankfully these headaches happen rarely. but when they do, look out!

i'm afraid i have little else to report. i'm in a bit of a downswing at the moment. trying to rally... this too shall pass.

worst headache of my life.

discouraged.

my bad

i know i know i missed posting yesterday. i was actually really sleepy at 11, and seeing as how i have not kept "normal" sleeping hours in a while, i thought i'd roll with it. 2 posts today, or an extra long one.

trying to regroup and continue my job search. my zeal for the task was transferred into my hopes that i would get that job. hard to switch gears. and you know, it's hard to keep the same level of enthusiasm/momentum or keep coming up with new plans of attack, etc. etc. remember that panda scene from anchorman? that's sort of how i feel about my job search right now:

Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off. [to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk.

not sure if that made any sense to you, but it made me laugh at least. and as long as i can do that, i figure i'll be okay.

i pick up odd jobs here and there. babysitting and the like. yesterday a friend paid me to drive her son and his friend to their lacrosse game since she was going to be out of town. i agreed because i knew it would be entertaining. of course, i am someone who is amused when i am driving down grand avenue in oakland and "what is love (baby don't hurt me)" by haddaway is blasting at top volume and two teenage boys are hanging their heads out the window bopping their heads. i realize that not everyone would feel the same way. i have become used to this kind of thing - i mean, it had been a while since i had done something like that, but my brother and his friends in high school would do it all the time. so it didn't really faze me. of course, becoming a geezer means that i have a lower tolerance for listening to music at high volumes. i was glad to have a more mellow ride alone on the way back.

on the way to the game, i was posed with the question: "so how's the job search? i mean, what do you for a living right now?" i responded: "today, it's driving you to your game." i added that i had some money saved up. today, i wondered what kind of example i am to these kids i know, what they'll remember about me later on. a faithful friend? someone who doesn't have friends her own age? what?

a few years ago, i took jr. highers on a ski trip. i am inept at snow sports, so i took the snowboarding lesson with some kids. then we proceeded to fall down all over the bunny slopes the rest of the day. once i fell down really hard - like flat on my face - near the lodge and i heard people on the deck about 50 yards away go "oooh," then i realized they were from our group and they realized it was me and we all laughed really hard. other kids were following me down the hill to watch me eat it several times, and laugh at me. it was frustrating, certainly, and yet somehow i was okay with kids seeing me totally suck at something. nothing against the previous leader, but he was golden boy athletic all-star and kids are self-conscious as it is already. i didn't really expect any of the kids to come to that realization themselves, but showing this side of me and eating a lot of snow and humble pie in front of them was important to me.

i mean, there's so much pushing and pulling these kids to succeed and excel and be perfect and popular and cool and so on (inculding sometimes how we frame things at church). we forget what it is like to be simply human and that life doesn't always go in a straight line and we NEED god's grace. these are words i forget often. and it's easy to see things in black and white and that when things don't go your way that equals FAIL. i don't know what i'm really getting at, and i'm probably over-thinking things because that's what i do. but i do hope that in the midst of my own struggle to find God's way for me and to be faithful to Him, that maybe someday down the road when they are frustrated they'd think, hey audrey didn't always get it right the first time either, it's okay.

mish mosh

i didn't see my friend in the dining room this week. i hope she is still around. this week, i ended up directing traffic in the dining room today, something i had never done before. most people get 2 meal tickets and they hold them up in the air for us to bring them a tray. so i helped direct servers to different people. it's a thankless job - visualize that old video game "root beer tapper" or "space invaders." people are hungry. and sometimes the volunteer servers don't actually make it to the person i point out to them. 'twas kind of fun to do something different though, it required me to pay attention to different things and interact more. usually when i first get there, i keep my head down and serve trays until i feel a little more sociable. you know me - i'm such a morning person!

wasn't sure how i'd feel this morning after not getting the job last week. besides being grumpy about my lost hour of sleep, i was happily resentment-free and enjoyed being there as usual. and i'd still like to work there. too bad i'm not bilingual (yet).

how to make me laugh: (actual text messages)
me: hey how's the not swearing for lent going?
response: fucking awesome!
me: laughing out loud in coffee shop

(actual phone conversation)
me: sienna, if there were two cookies, would you share with me?
sienna, sassy 3 1/2 year old: yes, i would have one and you would have one
me: sienna, what if there was one cookie, would you share with me then?
sienna: no, i would eat the whole cookie.
me: what? would you let me a have a bite?
sienna: no, i don't want to.
me: what if there were 5 cookies? would you share with me then?
sienna: yes, you could have one.
me: one?
sienna: and i would have the rest.
(at this point, i am suspecting the influence of terrible parenting)
me: so really, if there was only one cookie, you wouldn't share it with me?
sienna: then we would make more cookies!
genius.

daylight savings hoo-hah

thumbs down to losing an hour of sleep.

seriously hurting for good fiction. i broke my ban on getting new books, but hard to resist the library bookstore: 50 cents/paperback. i wanted some story i could burn through pretty quickly to get some momentum back in my reading. dug up some change from my car for angels & demons by dan brown. spending the change in a gumball machine may have been more worthwhile. do people actually like this guy? because i see most people being like me, curious to check out a story and then kind of regretting that they picked his book. fluff, fluff and fluff. it's a page turner in that it's like an action movie, or like a car accident - you just can't turn away. and the ending is like the ending of a fireworks show, bigger and bigger explosions and then nothing.

a little while back, i read the shack by william young. i guess it's caused a bit of a stir, though i don't really see why. while the book offered a little more imagination to the dynamic relation of the trinity, i couldn't really get past the clumsy writing. it was clunky.

i'm sleepy. more tomorrow.

not to be taken literally

well, today my mood is lower than it was yesterday. to counteract, i am sitting in the sun and also preparing myself for the madness that is march college basketball. i have a small talent for picking pretty good brackets, and have won myself a little bit of cash in the past. ah, i have it ! pro sports gambler, that's the life for me. famous last words. in any case, who wants to do a bracket? i can set up a pool on espn - let me know. maximize opportunities for trash talk, people. (i can't properly asses how this course of action is helping my mood, looking forward to actual people interaction later).

on the bright side, i think my cold is on it's way out. i am less achy and weak feeling. hopefully i can hold back on going full throttle until i am totally healed. no more jamba juice - i think my teeth are decaying. however, i am practically immune to scurvy for the next 5 years, i think.

on another note entirely, if you spend any length of time in the bay area, sooner or later you will see a car that has been turned into some form of moving art. i don't really get it, but apparently painting stuff on or gluing weird crap to your car is necessary to a) attend burning man or b) cement your rep as a hippie. when i saw this, i had to pull over and take a picture for my favorite ex-housemate, sienna. apparently, she is nursing a serious obsession for my little pony. for those not in the know, sienna is 2 1/2, and not a grown up. i would be less likely to indulge her fascination for colored ponies were she an adult.
anyway, she really liked, the "pony car" apparently. and expressed a desire for one for her very own. when i called later in the week, i made an idle suggestion to her that maybe her dad could glue her ponies to the top of their car. dead silence in response to the idea. this did NOT go over very well. oops. as i continued to chat with her mom, lara had to stop talking to me a few times and reassure sienna that jeff was not going to glue her ponies to anything, much less the car. is it bad that i laughed? my bad. note: sarcasm or teasing is not appreciated by young ones.

meh, continued

well, i got the phone call. and it wasn't the response i was hoping for. i'm kind of muddled feeling right now - disappointed, frustrated, but still hopeful. not ideal, but that's life, ya know?

thus far, it was the most humane and helpful rejection of the job search thus far. i still really respect this organization and would still like to work for them, and i will still keep volunteering. i'm quite happy volunteering - it's too bad the nature of volunteering is not being paid for it. and there is always the possibility that other jobs could come up.

perhaps tomorrow i will be more annoyed. and that will probably be the case. meh, i say.

while i remain open to whatever could come up, a large part of me still feels drawn to the tenderloin, to people that haven't really caught any breaks. i can't explain it, and some days i do feel a little crazy. and sometimes i wish i could be happy doing data entry. or that maybe majoring in business in college had sounded interesting to me. or that i was good at making spreadsheets? or hell, even wearing pantyhose. i don't even know. i mean, everything is getting shaken up now. in the post-capitalist era, i will be a shepherd. or... a beer brewer. i know friends that would teach me their craft.

those wyotech ads for becoming an electrician are looking pretty good. in spite of my dark humor, i also still have this feeling that things will turn out okay. and that also makes me think i am crazy.

meh

apologies for missing my daily post yesterday. the cold medicine i took made me pass out immediately. i'm pretty over this being sick thing. ugh. tired of aching, being fuzzy brained and feeling tired and achy.

waiting by the phone today to see if i get a follow up interview.

on using yer noggin

i never watched that "are you smarter than a 5th grader?" game show, but i imagine that some of it is pretty right on. i imagine that there is much i have learned in school that i have then immediately forgotten. say, the quadratic equation or the difference between sovereignty & legitimacy. i look at high schoolers homework and it reminds me of some of the classes i took in college. i don't think i'd hack it too well in high school now.

of course, now i find it - learning, that is - more interesting. some recent evenings i have totally nerded out and paged through some religion or government textbooks. really,who does that? for fun? i can barely even read the paper.

yet i still remember avogadro's number: 6x10 to the 23rd power. but i could not tell you what that number is for (i was just informed that it the number of molecules in a mole.. which i still don't really know why that matters. screw you avogadro.). not that would come up in average usage. i think the main thing i learned in my chem class was that i am not a morning person, because it was my first class of the day. and i took several classes on south american culture for my general ed requirements and i can't remember anything from those classes besides a)the spanish really screw the native people over and b) tupac shakur the rapper got his name from tupac amaru the leader of the indigenous people in peru. how you like them apples? i'm banking on that last fact to come up at some point during trivia night.

speaking of which, in my continuing experiment of extroversion, i volunteered to help host on some night. so we'll see how that pans out. if any of you out there in internet land want to suggest a question, feel free to do so.

faster, higher, stronger

being semi-ill, i've been trying to go to be earlier than i normally do. but the last two nights, i've remembered "oh shoot, i need to write something!" so here i am, risking my health for my lenten promise. no, i do not want a medal.

from my previous ramblings, you know i've been looking for employment. for a while actually, 7 months. i think when i moved back from vancouver i'd been looking for a job for 8 months. so i'm a deliberate person. as i consider the economy, well, that's pretty much a downer. and i realize that i am actually in a wide open place and i could go anywhere and do a lot of different things. my hesitation is in having to build community again. my life was so enriched at regent by the people i shared life with. it had it's challenges but overall, it was an incredible time and wouldn't trade it for anything. and leaving that was hard. really hard. and starting over sucked, even in a familiar environment. let me repeat - it really sucked. it took a long time, and it was hard earned, and i'm not totally ready to give that up quite yet. it's the opposite of what i was thinking a year ago, which was "get me outta here. anywhere. i don't care." it's easier for some people to be nomadic - and certainly my life so far could qualify as nomadic. as danny glover said in lethal weapon: "i'm getting too old for this shit."

pushing the envelope

well, i'm not good at taking it easy until i'm fully recovered. a bad night of sleep and a day on my feet volunteering have sapped my energy. oops. darn it. but i missed working in the dining room, and when my alarm went off this morning, i got up. (actually now living with a friend and also across from a high school, i am reminded, "oh yeah... people do... stuff." and it gets me a little antsy)

so i chugged an odwalla smoothie (dude- way too much sugar in some of those) and hopped on bart. it's the second of the month - right after welfare checks came out but we still served 2500 meals. usually at this time, we do a lot less, like 1800 or 2000 - that's servings of food btw, people are able to come back for more than one tray of food, so it's not 2500 different people. i don't know if it's because of the rough times, or the fact that we were serving up baked chicken and black-eyed peas today. probably both.

i find myself getting angry a lot in the dining room - not at people eating there. i get particularly mad when i see people in wheelchairs, and the elderly in there. it makes me mad that they are forced to fend for themselves, that there aren't people to take care of them, that they squirrel away one of their trays of food in plastic bags to take home, probably for dinner later. i get mad that sometimes me saying hi to them when i put the tray down in front of them might be the only time someone greets them the whole day. i get mad when i see people dozing off into their food because they are so tired/groggy/drugged/whatever and the dining room is the only place they get to sit long enough or feel safe enough to fall asleep.

today i said hi to a woman i'd chatted with a few times there. she usually asked me the same questions - had i ever smoked, cigarettes or weed or crack or whatever and in an oddly cheerful way that always caught me off guard, as if she was asking me if i had tried the new pepsi one or something. she's been trying to quit using and had been polling other people for ways they had quit. instead today she told me that her husband died 11 days ago. i bent down next to the table and talked to her for a bit. i vaguely remembered the man who always sat with her; she usually did most of the talking and kept my attention. "i'm kind of depressed," she said. "i could use a hug." and that's what i did. then i got her an extra tray of food and told her she had to make sure to eat even if she didn't feel like it, because that's what happens when you are depressed. she said i was a good one. i hope i see her next week. i wonder what else i could have done. i looked up her name online later because it is hebrew and she told me what it meant the first time i met her, but i couldn't remember what it was. it means "daughter of god."

hmmmm

does it still count if i blog that i can't think of anything to write?

daily practice

hm... well, i did not finish my article proposal. instead my grandma and i watched several sporting events (march madness is coming!) capped off by jeopardy and wheel! of! fortune! good times. i have a tenative opening paragraph and outline, so i'll make do.

i'm not totally sure how i fell out of the writing habit. it's odd to have to be more intentional about something that used to come so naturally.

a plus side of the unemployment time has been working my way through the enormous pile of books i had accumulated since i left regent. all the books i had heard good things about but never had the chance to read while i was studying. by studying i mean, down at the pub. anyway, i just finished colossians remixed: subverting the empire and it lived up the the high praise i had heard about it. a deeply challenging book that does an intelligent and understandable job of showing how a particular letter at a particular time to a particular people has much to say to us today. i'm still mulling over it and it's been a week since i finished it. it is fascinating to see points raised in the book come up in everyday situations. i've also had the same fascination with the book Acedia & me. i confess that i find norris a bit difficult to read, she bounces around from personal narrative to history to her own musings with no discernible pattern. regardless, there is much to be learned about the condition of acedia, which is more or less apathy - she goes into more detail about what it entails. the gradual numbing/desensitization of our culture is something to be wary of. if you don't care that you are sick, what does it matter that there is a healer? a tough challenge for the church and the renewing power of the gospel.

i'm hurting for some fiction though. i burned through that stuff first and now i have several nonfiction books to get through before i allow myself to get any more books. anyone want to send me a good story?

shoot.

well, i missed yesterday. but i have a good excuse - i was treated to free tickets to the warriors game. somehow i end up in these kinds of situations - housesitting gigs, free tickets, etc. unexpected things like this keeps me from going crazy. my unemployed friend and i enjoyed the night out and then afterward commiserated late into the night on life as an adult still dependent on parents and living out of boxes. this too shall pass.

like a true procrastinator, i have left my article proposal to the last day. i'll be working on that today.

i will probably post something again later today.

who cares

so today i was reflecting on apathy. trying to write an article concerning "the National Study of Youth and Religion recently coined a term to describe American young people's overall ethos regarding their faith: "A Benign Whateverism." " perhaps my haphazard thoughts here will help streamline my article proposal (and keep up on my lenten task!).

my basic thoughts are: a benign whateverism is a natural response to the millions of messages and demands that are put on kids today. with so slick pitches and ads, so much riding on their future success and happiness, it seems pretty easy to put faith on the back burner. still, like all of us, kids want something real, something to believe in, and under the front of apathy, they are paying attention.

apathy is challenging in how it turns a person inward, and the inability to feel anything. it's like trying to find a way through fog. how are we preaching the gospel? are we just another one of the talking heads on tv, another demand on kid's time? obviously, compared to Xboxes and Ipods, the church will lose that battle. what kind of gospel are we preaching? or, even better, living? God is about hope, community rest, and consistency (following a rhythm).

having trouble finishing sentences. must be tired. more tomorrow.

lenten considerations

okay... so it's lent. i will attempt to journal/blog each day. writing is a discipline i have long neglected. and i considered giving up some things, coffee, meat, etc. and then this occurred to me... to take up the pen/keyboard again and it felt right. we'll see...

helped serve at the ash wednesday tonight. part of the service involved the tearing of cloth, a sign of mourning. a few of us were to drape the cloth around people necks as they came into the church. we were also to say "the god of grace knows the depth of your sin" as we did so. can't say i was totally thrilled to find out that detail when i got there, regardless of my resolve to be extroverted this year. been feeling a bit under the weather. but i managed to foist most of the duties onto an eager junior higher. we chuckled together at how awkward this face to face interaction was for people, as they dashed in from their hectic day and came to worship. people tried to walk past us quickly, or tried to take the cloth out of my hand. of course, hearing the words "the god of grace knows the depth of your sin" would be enough for me to turn around and walk right back out the door - that fact gives me the heebie jeebies a little bit. but it made me kind of wish that every sunday, a person was greeted by another person with eye contact made, heartfelt greetings exchanged (beyond handing someone a bulletin), and the doors thrown open wide for all us broke down sinners to come in.

in between

i'm inhabiting the grey area between being sick and being well. sick enough to not feel great, but well enough that i am kind of annoyed that i don't feel good. you know?

i'm tempted to just push through it, but i know that doesn't usually work. i did that on saturday with my brother in our zeal to go to the grilled cheese invitational, but by the time we both got moving, it was mostly over when we cruised past it. yes, we love things like grilled cheese invitationals. we strolled around the mission district and i went home. then i slept through sunday. really, like the whole day. i mean, i like sleeping A LOT. but this was excessive - only when i am under the weather do i really sleep this much. i guess it rained the whole day so i don't think i missed anything. oh, the oscars... but i'm okay with not seeing that. although i'd actually seen some of the movies up for awards this year, so i wouldn't have felt so out of it as i did last year. i confess that i have a tiny crush on the dude from slumdog millionaire (the main contestant guy, not the game show host, come on people) even if he is far too young for me (me? cougar? nah!). it must be his mind for trivia as well as his boyish good looks. haha!

lights of hope on the horizon: phone interview friday. buddy putting in a good word for me at tj's. hoping for a tax refund. barack obama correctly pronouncing multisyllabic words correctly in his speech to congress. spring training has started.

deep breaths

today was not such a good day. a while back i applied online to whole foods. online applications for jobs feel like an exercise in futility. anyway, today i got the rejection email. seriously? come on now. it's just the kind of small jarring thing that snowballs into feeling like i'm never going to find a job. oh, i know i'm when i'm taking crazy pills - i can recognize that kind of thinking for what it is, just thinking. nevertheless, it is still a bit discouraging. sigh.

icecapades

i just got back from a weekend ski trip with a bunch of high schoolers. only recently have i realized that maybe other people would not want to spend their time like this - in relationship with high schoolers. it seems so ingrained to me that i assumed that everyone did.

my body is complaining about the pain i inflicted on myself - in the neighborhood of 10 bruises including 2 on my stomach after diving over a folding chair. i know that someday i will not be able to do this kind of thing, and i probably even shouldn't be doing it now - but i do it anyway and probably will for a long time. my immune system seems to be firing on all cylinders, as i have not fallen ill. getting rest helps - by rest i mean falling asleep for 2 hours in a chair with my nose in a book.

i'm not a huge fan of snow. at least i am not a huge fan of driving distances to go where there is snow (i didn't mind living in cities where it snowed). nor am i a fan of driving in snow. or driving with snow chains. if you miss the noise, i think it would sound a lot like putting a length of chain in a clothes dryer, climbing in after them and then turning the dryer on.

besides that, i enjoyed myself, laughed a lot, and ate a lot of food (these things are all i really need to have a good time). i consider how i felt a year ago and marvel at how different i feel, even though the circumstances haven't really changed a ton. last year, some kids were looking at pictures on my computer from my grad school days and asked why i didn't smile like that anymore. kids can be like that - flippantly asking something that somehow cuts to the core of things. while i struggled for an answer, they had already moved on. now, it is not hard for me to smile. that's the simple way of explaining things, and pretty much the bottom line.

whole shack shimmy

the karaoke trifecta was completed on monday night. this time it was "love shack" as you can guess from the title. going to karaoke three nights in a row was kind of a blur (not to mention that we stayed 'til closing at each one). i have tried to lay low since then. a mellow weekend was right up my alley.

in the never-ending search for a job... i have now applied to trader joe's. a buddy of my brother works at one. it's all in who you know right? i also applied for a job at the place i've been volunteering in the city. being a program assistant, helping homeless and low income people with how to use computer and find jobs. hm... perhaps i should have been taking advantage of this service myself. anyway, i'd really love to work there, so prayers would be appreciated.

post #667, even better than the mark of the beast!

extrovert update: the brother and his high school buddies had a reunion of sorts this weekend. they do it every so often - it involves booze, super nintendo games, karaoke and quoting as much movie/tv/simpsons dialogue as they can. they are all like brothers, by extension, and i end up hitting the karaoke stage with them. saturday: here i go again by whitesnake (a real crowd pleaser, this may be my go-to karaoke song). sunday: gangsta's paradise by coolio (also a standby favorite, but i was somewhat foiled by the lyrics not changing colors for some reason - very disappointing) we'll see if it'll be a hat trick tonight. any requests?

i know i have done this prior to this year of extrovert dabbling. but i'm counting it because. because it is my personal social experiment and i'll do what i damn well please. also - doing karaoke minus alcohol requires serious extrovert mojo.

(insert sarcastic commentary on how i feel old and it takes a while to recover from being out late and being out of shape while playing football.)

that is all.

on being handy

i got a flat tire the other night. it was right before i was going to see jazz show, so i decided to deal with the mess once the show was over. (sidenote: surprisingly, some high school jazz bands and funk bands are actually quite amazing and fun) i called roadside assistance and they responded rather quickly; i was duly impressed. i was also impressed that the tire guy changed the tire in about 15 minutes all while giving me a rundown on the '06 san francisco earthquake and how alameda/oakland were relatively unaffected - and that alameda was the third city in the states to have electric street lights. san francisco still had gas lamps and that was why most of the city burned after the earthquake. the things you learn from tire guys at midnight on a tuesday night while you are standing on a street in the middle of oakland.

i drove home on my spare tire, which must also work really well as a wheel for a moped. yesterday was a minor wild goose chase of discovering that i would have to get a new tire - said tire not being at big o tires nor on the internet, and going to the honda dealer only to find at the honda factory was closed by the time the parts guy called to inquire. this whole time i thought, "man, i wish i knew a trade. or at least was somewhat mechanically/automotively/technically inclined." no matter the economic climate, mechanics, plumbers, elevator repairmen will always be needed. for now i am one of the many degreed (even doubly so!) schlubs who is scraping around for a job and would be living at home with her parents if it weren't for generous great people from church.

i'm a little grouchy. i remain hopeful. but i am a complex person, full of complex emotions! so when something like this flat tire happens, this is where my thoughts go. simply because i wish i could do all that stuff for myself, instead of shelling out the cash for labor in addition to the parts.

don't hate the player, hate the game

man, i got sick of looking at my smug mug under a palm tree. sorry about that, virtual friends.

so the recession continues, and everyone waits for obama's magic touch. i have more realistic expectations for the man, and am hopeful for the future. i am hoping i am gainfully employed soon. in the meantime, i still take things one day at a time, and marvel at how God seems to provide for me anyway (i.e. mansion-sitting, free tickets to the mexico-sweden soccer game, having friends who like to buy me food, etc.). i hope hiring freezes are things that pass, like the seasons. the blossom of the job spring is coming!

i also have a confession to make - i have become a gamer, to a small degree. back in december, i discovered how to turn on the ps2 in the place i was staying. most of my time in this house has been figuring out how to use all the dang appliances that are supposed to make life easier. but i digress.

anyway, i found the lego star wars game and heard great things about it, so i started to play. at 10 pm. a little while later, i thought "i ought to stop, i've been playing long enough. probably about an hour or so." i checked the clock in the kitchen... 2:45 am. really? i am 32 years old and i had been playing a video game for almost 5 hours? crazy. i tried to keep better control after that, but to be totally honest there were 1 or 2 more nights like that. took me about a month to complete the game. i was a little obsessed. like i actually set little goals for myself - i can't do this with say working out or other important things in my life, but i can with a video game? at least i don't have to wait on things when i am playing as boba fett. oh reality, how you disappoint me sometimes.

which brings me to my next minor addiction: call of duty. a lot more violent and gory than lego star wars. i can't explain the appeal really. but it is a game my brother really likes and something we do together. rather, he destroys me and i get mad and he laughs and laughs. he doesn't seem to get tired of it. i went to see him in san diego and he killed me many times through a variety of methods: grenades, sniper rifles, flame thrower, machine guns, etc. etc. one day i will get my revenge, it's probably what drives me to try to get better at this game. the added geek factor here is that i now own an xbox 360 myself and have been playing with him and my cousins online. visualize me wearing one of those headsets and yelling at my cousins to quit calling me a "noob." yeah. it's pretty bad. yet i game on. suggestions for a funny gamertag? help me out with a name here.

stay classy, san diego

what climate change?

if only i could just talk faster...

then i could really pretend to be a gilmore girl - i already have the pop culture references down. if i did my math correctly, i am right in the ballpark of lorelai gilmore's age, if i did get pregnant at 15 or 16. i'm not that much of a hardcore fan that i would know their actual ages on the show. i am also in the ballpark of lorelai's number of neuroses, so i also have that going for me.

i was teen-sitting for a weekend because the parents went out of town. i don't think i'd do this for just any family, especially when i discovered that i had been appointed pre-winter ball photographer by "rory." now, i think most of my friends my age would run far far away - but because i am weirdly equipped to hang out with youth, i was rather intrigued by the idea. it was actually a little overwhelming and bizarre - i only knew like 3 of the kids in the group going to the ball, and i didn't know any of the parents. so i didn't really know who to talk to or where to stand, since the last time i did something like this, i was the one actually going to the dance. standing with the parents and taking pictures was the most odd; "rory" laughed really hard at the perplexed look on my face. mostly i just wanted to start laughing, because who else like me is doing this on a saturday night? when the mother of the house offered me a glass of wine, i gratefully and emphatically accepted. then one of the kids informed me that she thinks it's odd to see me partake of alcohol - she said she forgets that i am over 21. and in reality, WAY over 21.

i find it odd that i can cross age boundaries so easily. yet it comes pretty easily to me; i take it for granted most of the time.

just to be clear

i was wearing a pirate hat, along with regular clothes that stayed on. dan, i hate you sometimes, but i suppose i walked into that comment on the last post. at this particular moment of the photo, i am inspired by my fellow countryman, the new lead singer for journey, arnel pineda.

year of the extrovert

much like i decided may of '06 was salsa/ nacho/ grilling month (my housemates and i remember this fondly), i think that '09 will be year of the extrovert. or at least me pretending to be an extrovert. i don't know how long this will last, but right now i'm willing to give it a shot. to play on tina fey's (as sarah palin) words, "i ask myself, what would an extrovert do? and then do that." i'll let you know how it works out, as i feel myself to be vehemently introverted. it shall be a grand experiment.
what i've done so far:
-went to trivia night even though none of my regular friends could make it, and joined a random team. we came in 2nd. also offered to help co-host on some nights.
-went with a friend to see an 80s cover band (one that had played at another friend's wedding and rocked). a led zeppelin cover band on before them - and i swear the woman singer was robert plant in drag. not really, but she was vocally spot on. anyway, struck up a conversation with a guy, ended up going for donuts after the show and we shared a giant donut. i'm not kidding - it was giant. the donut lady gave it to us in a box that normally holds a dozen donuts. the way to my heart is through donuts.
-went dancing with some friends for 80s night at a club (80s music is good to me). someone decided that we should all wear funny hats. so i found myself dancing on a small platform wearing a pirate hat, while singing along to "don't stop believing" with a goofy chilean dude.

i mean, this is probably like how people start working out all the time at the beginning of the year and then lose motivation (which i am also doing). at least it's good times.

because you never know when a pommel horse will come in handy

that's former gold medalist kurt thomas, people. this may be the worst fight scene i have ever seen. and the most awesome. no, the most awesome is milla jovovich in the fifth element.

'09 is so fine, '08 was pretty... good

so it's 2009...
what i hope for this year:
world peace ('cause you're always supposed to say that, don't you watch beauty pageants?)
knowing people that are different than me
a job = preferably one that i would like to do for more than a year or two, but i'll settle for an income i can live on
muscle tone
my own space
being a better cook

i suppose these are resolutions, but this involves less guilt should i not actually follow through.

good stuff about '08:
going to new orleans twice and eating a lot of fried food and meeting great people
seeing my brother graduate from college
reuniting with old friends at a wedding in vancouver this summer
feeling more rooted in community here
living in a mansion for free
reading a ton of good books, which i may or may not tell you about here on the blog
seeing anne lamott twice
volunteering at st. anthony's
remembering how to hope

21 jump street

what follows is a close approximation of an actual friday night phone call:

kid: audrey what are you doing? we're bored! hang out with us!

me: well, i'm actually going to a party tonight.

kid and friend in background: ooooooooohhhhh, a party! can we come? (a freshman in college and a senior in high school.

me (knowing full well that the parties i attend now consist of adults standing around and talking, with a some good booze; not a raging kegger that they might be imagining. but to keep up my cool factor, i do not explain this to them.): no.

kid: no, we think you should hang out with us! we're more fun that a party!

me: well... i haven't hung out with my peers in a while. (it's true. i'm usually with kids, various parents that are now my friends, and only usually hang out with my trivia night geeky crew). i'd like to go. (but only after talking my introverted self into going)

kid: oh, audrey! WE'RE your peers! come on!

me: um right... do you remember that i'm almost twice as old as you? well, i am.

kid: no you're not.

.... and we proceed to argue a little bit about this, until i point out the math.

i am still bemused by this conversation. wondering about many things... a) how cultivating relationships with kids (and people in general) is just a part of who i am (in spite of my sometimes militant introversion), that the word ministry doesn't quite accurately describe it for me. b) that people would find me this approachable, when i consider myself to be generally socially awkward. c) how in the last month, i have been asked what high school i attend in one conversation, and then in a different one asked if i have children (i'm guessing she was asking about high school age kids since i was teen-sitting for the weekend - if only i were as cool as lorelai gilmore); d) why i have been using so many parenthetical phrases in this post, and e) just how it is God figures out how to draw us all into life together in the odd way that He does.

where teen angst comes from

tonight i went to some friends' house for dinner for dinner. i helped them decorate their christmas tree. tried my first stinger - brandy and creme de menthe over ice. refreshing.

then i watched part of the movie version of the heart of darkness because their daughter had a test on it the next day and she hadn't read the book - but had read the spark notes version (what happened to cliff notes?). not apocalypse now, but some version with tim roth and john malkovich where everyone looks brooding and delivers their stilted lines really slowly. it was pretty bad. while watching the movie, she also finished her essay on the metamorphosis by kafka. you know, where the main character has turned into a giant cockroach.

i read heart of darkness in high school but don't remember any of it. didn't read any kafka, but i do recall a lot of hermann hesse. my general impression is that high school english curriculums are mostly based on how damn depressing the stories are. although i do love to kill a mockingbird. but everything else made me want to slash my wrists. i mean, i alread listened to morrisey and the cure a lot then - how did i not actually jump off a bridge? who picks these books? go ahead and chime in with the books you loved or hated in high school.

things that suck

hiring freezes.

coupled with the words "for the foreseeable future."

yep.

stupid economy.

rather than write about how i feel, i'll just let you think about how you'd feel if you got an email with those words when you were looking for a job. that's way easier and with less whining here on the blog.

makes me laugh every time

actual conversation, on internet dating sites:

friend: would you do it again?
me: i suppose, but i don't have a job right now, so i don't think that'd be the best thing to do with my money.
friend: but you could get free food!
me: very good point.