in the waiting line

sigh. waiting for:

my car to arrive. (mr. honda dealer was full of shit back in november! when he said it would be here in january!)

people to call me back after i've left messages, sent resumes, written cover letters, sucked up.

the next part of my life to start.

this is not passive waiting. i feel like i'm doing what i can to make this happen. all these machinations to get to a result. phooey.

i'm going to go eat cookies.

it tastes like burning!

once in a long while i get bodyslammed by a case of heartburn. i didn't even eat anything spicy. i feel awful, like i'm disintegrating on the inside. or someone punched me in the sternum a bunch of times. hard to concentrate on anything when i feel like this. augh. i'm going to bed early. definitely the lowlight.

the highlight of today was volunteering to sort book donations for the annual church book sale. i hung out with some sweet old ladies, scored a cheap lunch, and got to pick out a free book for my services. i found a copy of of amusing ourselves to death which i was rather pleased to find under a truly enormous pile of books. if i keep helping until the sale, i'll get to pick out more free books, as well as scope out more of the book selection.

hope the heart stops burning tomorrow. stupid stomach acids.

booo-urns

i'm writing again. not coincidentally, i am anxious again.

i'm remembering, last year i kind of understood how a lot of writers went crazy and drank a lot. and that's the really good writers, the ones you've heard about. what happens to the writers that don't get famous?

at least, in reading what other writers have said about writing, i know i'm not the only neurotic one. thanks, anne lamott! i know you're crazier than i am! or so i would like to think.

but i think this is something i ought to get a handle on. not just in writing but in life too. right now i'm kind of confronting that all again, and it's mainly pissing me off. thinking in new ways? seeing things differently? why, that takes too much WORK, even if it is a better way. sigh. yet i press on. growing, even though i dig my heels in against this process a lot of the time. and yet... and yet, there are these glimpses of truth and freedom and grace that are so amazing, i am inspired to keep going. i used to see this all as a big trial, and i still do most of the time. but i am learrning to see life as an adventure also, and that makes it a little less scary. it might even be fun.

and in the words of lorelai gilmore on the trouble with stream of consciousness writing thoughts... "hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey, monkey, underpants."

chinese fire drill

here's the actual fortune that i got when my mom ordered chinese food the other night:
"Your goal will be met in two months."

oooooookay.

"There is no emoticon for what I am feeling!"

while i was visiting in vancouver way back in december, i caught up with many friends. our conversations caused me to think about the time spent since i've moved away from that great city. what i've been most thankful for is the church i have been attending. i wondered if i'd be able to find a place that had a perspective similar to regent. on more than one occasion i have conversed with christian friends, only to find myself on a different wavelength from them, if not at odds. to say the least, it is disorienting. others of the regent diaspora, holla if you hear me.

even so... i found it ironic that after working in a church, and spending 3 years studying theology and discussing the church and community blablabla ad nauseum... i have now actually been that person who just shows up for the service, and then leaves without talking to anyone. i really had no idea that IT IS SO EASY. well, at a large church, anyway. it does take a lot of intitiative to get connected and it is something i am still working on. starting with actually talking to people at church. the class i have been going to has helped. forcing myself to be extroverted and being pleasantly surprised with the conversations. making friends with friends of friends. this is a good community.

no news on the job yet. calling them tomorrow to follow up. trying to remain upbeat and maintain intertia.
in other news, i'm going to 4 weddings between march and june. one in march and one at the end of may and 2 in june. holy craziness. all shall be good times though. i'm looking forward to each of them.

"I've been going to Bible classes. They're teaching me to be more judgmental." Maude Flanders

this morning i went to a networking thing at a local church. it's one of their outreach ministries, and i think it's quite a good thing for this particular social setting. they meet saturday mornings consisting of unemployed people, employed people trying to change careers, recruiters and such. there's a sharing time of progress made through the week, question and answer time, a guest speaker on some job related topic and of course the requisite coffee and tea at church meetings. i was impressed. seem like an important ministry in suburbia, supplying community and help during the difficult job search. i was the youngest person there, besides the guest speaker, an HR exec-type for mervyn's. i don't know if it will turn up anything, but it couldn't hurt. i'll probably go again. it helps to know you aren't the only person that doesn't have a job, and to realize that you actually are qualified for employment.

last night i watched good night and good luck and last week, rabbit proof fence. both excellent movies. rent them from your local library today.

also, the recruiter or whatever he is from my brother's staffing agency contacted me yesterday. he refers to himself as "JC" his initials. i suppose to anyone that isn't a christian that's not weird to do so, as it is, I find it a little odd. it reminds me of owen wilson being the cheesy christian ex-boyfriend from "meet the parents."

whiling away the hours

back at the coffee shop. back to my old habits of procrastination under a deadline. i revel in it, and then when it gets to crunch time, i rue my poor self-discipline. though i would assert that procratinators can be very disciplined when they need to be. much like lazy people are terribly efficient because they don't like to expend more energy than necessary. or i am just rationalizing. it sounds pretty good though, don't it?

however, it does give me incentive to blog. i consider this to be my writing calisthenics before the actual heavy lifting. and i have some fun before i start to agonize over every word.

i think this is a "christian" coffee shop. at any rate, some dudes are praying out on the patio, i've seen someone reading "the divine conspiracy" and other people walking through holding books of a similar thread. perhaps christians just like to congregate here. if the owner does happen to be a christian, i give them props for not being cheesy or attempting to convert people through the decor. it's a nice place. of course, here in the burbs no coffee shop is open past 8, which kind of sucks.

two books that are actually worth having on your coffee table

my brother hooked me up with a cool book for christmas. he noticed that i had linked this artist/vandal/iconoclast/
cultural revolutionary banksy here on my blog a while ago. See more of his art and philosophy here.





Last week, I went to a presentation on this book, which I had mentioned here previously. Husband-wife team of Peter Menzel and Faith D'Aluisio were awesome. the publication of the book comes at an interesting time, they shared, as for the first time in history, the number of overfed people is equal to the number of underfed people in the world. a blurb from the website...

"it tells about how people feed themselves in 24 countries around the world. Its contents are based on detailed research, beautifully photographed, presented with often disturbing clarity. Photographer Menzel and writer D'Aluisio introduce us to 30 families, representing every continent, each family photographed with the food they had for the week they were interviewed. The household range is from the most affluent in the developed countries to the neediest.

the photographs are beautiful and the stories are poignant. i mean, you could probably guess what people eat and who is healthier and such, but it is quite stark to presented in such a visually fascinating way.

one of their previous books is called material world; they photographed families with their worldly belongings, which is equally as fascinating. in an upcoming book, they examine what an individual person eats in one day.

hepped up on goofballs

usually when i drink my morning cup o' coffee, i feel pretty good.

sometimes though, the caffeine just hits me all wrong and i end up feeling anxious all day. couldn't seem to get anything done, beyond upload my resume at the staffing agency where my brother has been getting his freelancing gigs.

mostly i just tried not to freak out about life. took a walk and got started reading jayber crow - which seemed to help. i'm going to back off the caffeine for a little while though. cause days like this just don't feel good.

irons in the fire

today i am in a coffee shop, working on a piece to submit to an anthology about growing up female and evangelical. i've opened up some old files from my thesis and am cobbling something together. it's odd to revisit these works that had consumed my life a year ago. i haven't looked at them since i turned them in to be graded. no post traumatic stress attacks yet. though some of what i have written still makes me chuckle, so that's a good sign. it feels good to flex these muscles in my brain again and remember that i love writing. the past months have been a much needed break from the insanity of last year, and i think i feel ready to pick up the pencil again, or peck away at the keyboard, as it were.

it helps to do this, rather than waiting and waiting for a phone call. i am doing the things that are in my control, rather than agonizing over things that are out of my hands.

i went to a job fair yesterday for a nonprofit that manages several low income housing properties. unfortunately i had a splitting headache but i dragged myself there anyway. after perusuing the available job descriptions and failing to be piqued by any of them, i left. no sense going through an interview when i felt less than stellar physically. i know they exist now and i can check their openings online. headaches suck.

i unloaded many old books at church today for their annual book sale. i am afraid to go to the actual sale, as i might end up with a bigger pile of books than i donated. such is my addiction. the first step is admitting the problem.

speaking of which a new novelty in my life is listening to podcasts of "this american life." in spite of the ethnocentric title, grrrrrrrrrrreat storytelling can be found here. it inspires me. perhaps one day you'll hear me reading on there, which would be too amazing for words. something to shoot for, i suppose.

"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man"

i haven't written, not becuase i have not had anything to say, but that i have had too much to say. an embarrassment of riches, i suppose.

of most recent interest - colts rule! i am rather partial to peyton manning as of late because he was the rock of my championship fantasy football team. (that's right, i won the baseball AND football leagues this year. i am awesome.) my brother was texting me the scores during church. once church was over, i tried to entice people into going to the pub 'round the corner, but there weren't any takers. i hung out and chatted with people for a bit, but when eric messaged that the score was tied at 31, i took matters into my own hands. i took off for the pub, bellied up the bar (the only girl i might add) ordered myself a pint and a sandwich. fantastic last 5 minutes of the football game. loved it. like i said, sometime you have to take matters into your own hands.

my second interview went pretty well, i think. it was another 90 minute extravaganza of seeing the local high school, talking to another director and chatting again with the people i met last time. i still like what the organization is about. i could see myself there i think; i guess we'll see. they've got some thinking to do, and i've got some thinking to do. i should hear from them in a week or so. regardless of what happens, i'm still feeling pretty good about this whole job search process.

other posts about other stuff to come soon.

circa 1980

Mom, this gravy tastes better than God's sweat!

listening to the rain beat down on the roof and sufjan's michigan album. both are a balm to the ears. the music also makes me think of the various people i associate with michigan - a rowdy bunch, let me tell you. it also makes me reflect on the past few months and glad that i chose to stay in california or, say no! to michigan, as it were. not that there's anything wrong with the great state, it just wasn't the right timing.

of course there's been a crazy stretch of cold weather here. cold temperatures and clear skies - made me wish for the insulating clouds of vancouver. ah-nuld has declared a state of emergency in the agricultural counties. the damage has been pretty bad. look out for the increase in cost of produce.

the second interview is on friday. i'm not really nervous. i guess i'm learning what's in my control and what's not. i can give the best interview i can, but the decision is out of my hands. in fact, i am interviewing them as much as they are interviewing me. and i am confident in finding work. well, right now, i'm very motivated as the studentt loan payments loom over my head. eugh. perhaps i will not be escaping my parents home as soon as i would like. which is unfortunate. lately, it has been chafing.

tomorrow i volunteer at the food bank, hopefully people will talk to me this time. then in the evening, a neighboring church to mine is hosting these authors/photographers talk about their book. "In Hungry Planet: What the World Eats the creative team behind the best-selling Material World books, Peter Menzel and Faith D’Aluisio, present a photographic study of families from around the world, revealing what people eat during the course of one week’s time."

here's hoping this energy i am feeling will not fade soon.

ice cream sunday

no trip to the pub, but an after-church trip to the best local ice cream parlor is pretty damn good. i had a root beer float, so i guess that's close enough. plus, the most articulate 10 year old i've ever met was part of the company. at different points we debated linguistic nuances, how to cheat at legoland, and is it really opposite day when you say it's opposite day because then that would mean then it's not really opposite day.

also, something that is unexpectedly funny: infants wearing sweater vests. you'll understand when you actually see it for yourself. said baby's dad also alerted me to the existence of Cordarounds. horizontal corduroys. eh? eh? how about that?! hilarious. and yet... strangely alluring.

the class on ethnic reconciliation looks like it will be very good. raising good and hard questions that will hopefully provoke some discussion. i have really appreciated the ways we are encouraged to learn and grow at this church. making more inroads with people and gettin to know them. sunday is my most socially active day of the week. i'm quite tired, but it feels good.

we'll live like kings! damn hell ass kings!

the toilet in my bathroom has had a leak in it for a while now. the sound of water running from the tank into the bowl has been driving me crazy and i finally have done something about it. i replaced the flapper lid, a few days ago which helped. but it was still running. so then i replaced the fill valve and the whole ball mechanism. the process involved a few trips to ace hardware, dripping water from the tank onto the floor, a good bit of cursing, and cold dirty hands. but the final result is a silent toilet. i feel quite accomplished on this saturday evening.

a trip to the pub as a well earned reward should be in order, but a) i've not made the friends required for such an activity yet and b)sadly they don't seem to go in for that kind of thing here in the states as they do in the 'coov. drinking buddies: activate! ... form of a pitcher of sleeman's honey brown lager! and maybe some garlic fries. no, nachos. mmmm... nachos.

woohoo! four day weekend!

the pressure to blog everyday is starting to get to me. one cannot be witty and incisive all the time.

however, this is what i wondered today... i watch the gilmore girls reruns on the abc family channel (she's just started dating jess and he annoys me). their slogan is "a new kind of family." they run other shows such as full house and sister act and so on. yet this weekend, they are showing bridget jones' diary. what the hell? that's just super.

visited with my friends and their 17 month old son today. i'm trying to get him to like me; it'll take a bit of work. the last time i showed up at his house, his mom wasn't there and he freaked out (understandably). today, he seemed amused when i kept throwing stuffed animals at his head.

taking a month long sunday school class called "a christian approach to ethnic reconciliation, justice and community." sounds interesting. i'll let you know how it goes.

comings and goings

the police found my dad's car in a costco parking lot. apparently the genius car thief was careening around, hit a curb, and got himself a flat tire. so he left it there. thankfully, his (or her) stupidity is what got us the car back.

my computer on the other hand, is at the apple store right now. needs a new logic board. it's free, once again. of course, i was kind of hoping they'd just give me a macbook instead. maybe next time.

super pissed

computer spontaneously has decided to only have the fan turn on, and to stop actually turning on the display or have osX kick in. hopefully this is a minor issue.

now i am on the family dell and it is pissing me off too. but only because it is not a mac.

autobots, roll out

tomorrow my honda fit rolls off the production line, supposedly. it can't come any sooner (estimated 1-3 weeks); my dad's car got stolen today. yeah, out of the company parking lot. where there are security guards. and the company is right near the city hall. what the hell?

anyway, he's got the company car in the meantime. my mom's got jury duty (which i take issue with - companies only pay for a certain amount of time a trial takes. it doesn't seem right that a person should suffer if they are in a lengthy case). the bro's got a temp job over in the south bay. (we've got a lot of cars - this is california) thus i am now stranded at home. not that i was planning to go anywhere; it's just nice to have the option. oh well. it'll be good to walk.

in other news, the place i interviewed at wants me to come back for another interview, presumably with the board of directors or some such people. don't yet know when that will be happening. interesting. my brother's friend pointed out that it is somewhat ironic that i'm applying to work with a youth employment program while i don't have a job. i told him to shut up. our friendship is like that.

blast from the past

i love youtube for many reasons. nostalgia for the pop culture of days gone by being a major one.
if you remember this ad, holla "S to the P-R-I-T-E"

marge, this is so depressing. my only hope is this homemade prozac.

trying to keep up my blogging streak. by the by, blogger has been stupid lately and not let me post pictures. anyone else having this problem?

i think i'm mostly healthy now. just a lingering dry cough left over from this cold. it's pretty annoying. since i had that bad cold, i've been thinking about medicine since i spent that first day i was sick at the drugstore, staring at the huge array of cold medications. and then there were the countless brandname medication advertisements on tv during my law and order binge. to be totally honest, i watch A LOT of tv. i'm trying to cut back.

back to my original rant - now, don't assume i'm one of those people that tries to tough it out when i'm sick or that i have something against medicine. i thanked my lucky stars for the tylenol cold night formula. i appreciate the advances in science that prevent illness or get us through it. but do we expect it too much, do we depend on it too much? i saw an ad for a birth control and the main selling point was how terribly inconvenient having your period is, and this pill will shorten it so you can get on with your life. wtf? another slogan is "one step closer to a pain free world." i repeat, wtf?i don't want to live in a pain free world. pain is a part of living, it serves good purposes. add to that how the availability of medicine is as unevenly distributed as wealth in this country.

and that is my rant for today. also, i used the phrases "by the by" and "thank my lucky stars" i think i'm about 68 years old.

family matters

this is what it's like having two brothers. happens every 15 minutes.


though i do have to confess that my youngest brother and i exchanged some punches at the rather nice restuarant we were dining at with my parents because he said he wouldn't share his dessert with me. my arm still hurts where he punched me. but i did land some blows off the back of his head, so we're even. the waitress laughed at us. this picture was taken right after our desserts arrived. the deliciousness of my creme brulee dulled the pain in my arm.

You know what's even better is Jesus-- he's like 6 Leprechauns.

i've been blogging quite a lot in the new year. perhaps my tired old mind has recovered from writing my arts thesis and i am ready to be writing more again. i'm submitting some stuff for an anthology at the end of the month, so we'll see how that goes.

mom, bro and i went to the mall today. it's been a while since i've been in a mall. i have a low tolerance for these places. at the risk of sounding like an old person ranting, which i am totally okay with, why must they play music so loud in some of these stores? it's like one of those techniques they use on prisonsers of war to disorient them and break their will. malls end exasperate me.

saw the movie the holiday with some friends tonight. one of those movies you enjoy and then afterward you forget it. kind of like the way cotton candy melts in your mouth. still, all good fun. it's been a while since i've actually gone to a theater to see a movie.

Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons

things of interest...
the movie amelie - i watched this last week. lovely movie. very visually rich, and a fun storyline. rent it. love it. the film makes me want to go to paris. anybody want to come with me? anyone want to front me some cash?
talladega nights: the ballad of ricky bobby - utterly ridiculous and awesome. will ferrell is even more out of control than he was in anchorman. nascar is a pretty easy target. the movie has a good heart in the middle of all the insanity. still, anchorman is my favorite.

this guy was on late night tv two nights in a row. matisyahu - a practicing hasidic jew and a reggae artist - probably chaim potok's alternate plot for my name is asher lev. nevertheless it's catchy music. go listen to him on itunes. i find him intriguing, even though i haven't really listened to reggae since i went through a brief but intense bob marley phase in high school.

i know the holidays are over, but i found the Cavalcade of Bad Nativities after christmas and then i was busy puking, so i'm writing about it now. i mean, marshmallows are a completely appropriate medium to convey the awesomeness of the incarnation. browsing the site is good for wasting a good 5 minutes or so. it should properly offend those who have an artistic nature (much like those wrought iron child figures meant to be garden ornaments that took up space at my old coffee shop for a time).

today i was driving around berkeley with my brother. we browsed at a pawn shop (things in pawn shops: musical instruments, power tools and old jewelry) and got burritos. i have found my new favorite veggie burrito. it had nopales in it, which are from the prickly pear cactus (i just looked that up on wikipedia). come visit and try it for yourself. plus, this is our favorite place because of the quality of the salsa bar. the salsa is really what puts a taqueria over the top for me.

anyway, the whole reason i'm writing about this is what happened when i was dropping him off at a friend's house. i did one of those accelerating through the yellow light at the intersection things. it was close, but not that close. but when i looked in my rear view mirror, i saw a cop car with the lights on about a block behind me. i thought "is that for me? what the heck? it wasn't red." and my stomach sank. i pulled over to the curb and the cop zoomed by. my brother started cracking up and didn't stop for about 5 minutes. he'd yell "that timing was amazing!" and start laughing all over again. i was able to start laughing too once i got over the shock. awful.

hello, supernintendo chalmers!

the energy (in most cases done begrudgingly) with which everyone around me has jumped back into their routines has me antsy. i thought i was antsy during the fall, it turned out to mostly be the lingering confusing process of transition from one place to another. tough to live through, but necessary, and i continue to do so. i feel less stretched between two places, or even placeless. my spiritual director noticed in our last meeting that i am more "here" now. i suppose the visit to vancouver helped, and finding some jobs that resonated with me. needless to say, i'd like to start on the next season/phase/era/whatever of my life. i'm ready to stop gathering so much moss, though i'm sure the transition from lethargy to activity will be brutal.

today my youngest brother taught me how to drive stick shift. it's about high time i learned. it was only semi-traumatic. he's a good teacher. he's also 1) the only person in my family what wanted to teach me, and 2) the only person in my family that i could handle teaching me.

and only being a year or so behind the curve, i installed tiger on my computer. fun with widgets.

my tv show addiction grows. blast those marathons they've been showing over the holidays. now it's friday night lights. i think that takes care of every night of the week for me (like i said in the past entry, i've got no social life). i don't really know how to feel about this. ever since i've been driven inside and away from my outdoor reading chair, i've become less literate. lately, i've been bettering myself by reading wikipedia (last 3 entries read: Spider Man, Matisyahu and douglas coupland). but i do love my shows. try to take the from me and I WILL CUT YOU.

bowling for sandwiches

today held a few fine outings for me, the formerly housebound. i mean, being a sloth is okay when you have a choice about it, but cabin fever does set in when you are too sick to go anywhere. went bowling with my brother and his girlfriend. bowling alleys, like skating rinks (both of the roller and ice varieties), are like time capsules of 70s and 80s era decor. earth tones, garish decorations of giant bowling balls, hard space age looking plastic chairs, and so on. it is hideous and kitschy at the same time. at least our town bowling alley has become more kid friendly - i remember going in there when i was little (my mom was in a league for a while) and my eyes stung from the cigarette smoke. i'm a lot worse at real life bowling than the virtual bowling i'd played on the nintendo wii recently. reality is a bitch, but at least you get to wear cool looking bowling shoes (though they are rented, which is a significant loss of cool points). i bested my brother in two games, and now he owes me a panini from our favorite deli.

then a friend called unexpectedly. she is in town for a few days and called me immediately upon landing at the airport to get our old small group together for dinner. i'll have to admit that i was incredibly excited to have dinner plans (and to eat good real food again!), the social scene has been rather inactive as of late. it was good to share a table with some old friends, a pleasure that doesn't happen nearly enough anymore. that is certainly one of the things i miss most about my time in vancouver, making and eating meals together and enjoying the company. ordinary moments that are much cherished. so ordinary, that it is easily pushed aside and out of step with the rhythm that most people seem to live their lives here in this area. still trying to get used to that and wondering how to live differently and to connect with people.

escape

i have reached law and order saturation. i know, some of you out there think that can't possibly happen, but oh it can. plus watching all that advertising can't possibly be good for me. but i did learn that k-fed is wrestling john cena on wwf raw tonight. i kind of want to watch that because i think that guy has needed a beat down for a really long time.

i feel pretty okay again and really needed to escape my house today. so i loitered around borders books for a while. all these books that i'd love to buy but lack the cash flow. then i saw the board game version of joel osteen's "your best life now." man, i hate that guy. if you lose in the game, that must obviously mean you don't have enought faith in God or that you have some hidden sin God is punishing you for.

happy 2007

december has not been a good month for me, health-wise. after a bad cold and laryngitis, i just spent the night getting blindsided by a stomach bug or food poisoning. puking = not my idea of a way to pass a night. i'm tired and i feel like i'm one big rusty hinge. doesn't look like i'll be doing too much celebrating tonight.

bleah.

here's hoping the upcoming year has better stuff in store for all.

recovery

been resting up after our annual christmas extravaganza. my family rocks hard. for the last few days, i thought the lack of sleep had triggered a relapse of my cold. i was feeling a tad bitter about that. fortunately, copious amounts of vitamin c and law and order episodes seem to have cured me.

i was able to try out the nintendo wii while we were in carlsbad - it is pretty entertaining. engaged in a little 5 on 5 playground ball with my cousins on christmas day. actually it was more like we were attacking each other and sometimes we shot the basketball. i've to the bruises to prove it. still and all, it was a good time. here's our team photos. believe it or not, this is just a small fraction of my cousins, and we were able to play 5 on 5 basketball. we could play baseball with a full 9 players on each side if we wanted.

now i'm watching my brothers play video games (currently as storm troopers in star wars: battlefront. i got next game). good lazy holiday activities.

i went to my first party since i moved back to the bay. last week, it was a christmas party. i thought it to be a landmark occasion. it was at a new friend's house in oakland. there is nothing quite so daunting as walking in (by yourself) to a party, looking around the room and not knowing a soul. that would have been a good night to have a party buddy. i pressed on though and eked out some good conversations. if only to prove to myself that i can make small talk with total strangers.

the christmas camp reunion party, held at my house was all right. after inviting 6 summers worth of counselors, a small fraction of them showed up. that was fine because if everyone came there would have been about 200 people. since i only worked one summer, i knew about 6 people out of the 20 that came. it was good to revive some old jokes, and relive some old memories.

so much extroversion! it's quite unlike me. i suppose the last few days of not leaving my house have made up for that.

who's who?

i'm pretty sure al davis became a zombie and no one noticed. judge for yourself. the owner of the oakland raiders is on the left and the host of "tales from the crypt" is on the right.

shopping

man, i hate christmas shopping. a lot.
though i waited things out today, and braved it at about 7. wasn't too bad. and i'm done, so that is a load off my mind.
so, christmas shopping in the evening isn't so bad, but christmas food shopping at safeway in the evening sucks. everyone is loading up for bear. we're talking 50 items or more.

the interview went pretty well. i liked the 5(!) people that interviewed me. we talked for an hour and half, and i didn't feel totally drained afterward, so that was good. i like what they're doing. of course, as i think back over the conversation, i do the inevitable editing and revising of my answers. better to just let it be. it would be cool to work in the city. suburban life is quiet, and feels far away from things of substance. we'll see how things turn out.

also, it was quite miraculous that i was able to sustain such a long conversation. i couldn't talk at all on friday. after five days of practicing the discipline of silence for a few days and getting sick of rooibos tea, my voice had mostly recovered. i'm still a little hoarse, but it's not such a big deal anymore.

i'm hosting a camp christmas reunion party tomorrow night. i don't know how that happened, really. i'm not someone who really thrives on inviting a ton of people i don't know very well into my house. but the chance to practice some hospitality is something i'm looking forward too. and it'll be good to catch up with a few friends i haven't seen in a long long time.

super boring post. i find myself wanting to go into hibernation.

p.s. i wish i was hanging out in a smoky st. louis hotel bar listening to a blind old man play christmas classics while drinking some mysterious bartender's concoction with pals like i was 'bout this time last year.

fretting

sitting around... thinking about possible interview questions.
putting the best foot forward tomorrow from 11-1 in SF. eek.
feeling good, though. feels like i'm moving in the direction of God's calling. and that ain't bad at all.

(btw, this isn't with the jesuits. it's with a diffrent organization, this time working w/ at-risk youth in the city)

christmas thoughts

no more "i'm sick and cranky" posts. i'm sick of them.

after church tonight, there was another christmas choral concert, this time with full orchestra. since my actual christmas holiday involves familial chaos, i thought i'd soak in the christmas festivites tonight. it was quite beautiful, a wonderful time of meditating on the miracle of the incarnation. this song was sung. i didn't like this particular musical arrangement, as it sounded too lighthearted for the actual lyrics...

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

there are times when you really feel the "in-between-ness" of the reality we are in. that Jesus, our Emmanuel, has already come and done these things. and we still mourn, live in exile, and in darkness. we are thankful that he has come, that he lived among us. there is much to rejoice and be thankful for, and much to mourn. we long for him to return.

"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:10-11

frustrating

well, i'm in that in between phase where you feel mostly okay but if you over do things, you could get sick all over again. stupid cold. it's really cramping my style. i still don't really have a voice, which is troublesome. i have a job interview on wednesday. not with the jesuit folk, for those in the know; but a different organization altogether. it involves working w/ youth in the mission district of san francisco. hopefully i won't be so hoarse then. but i'm so sick of drinking so much tea and other liquids; not to mention not leaving the house and watching many hours of television. my eyeballs would be dried out if i wasn't drinking so much water.

ugh

how can i sound so awful, but feel better than i did yesterday?

oh man

things have taken a turn for the worse. a night of coughing has rendered my voice into a crackly mess, closely resembling a 12 year old boy hitting puberty. at least i am being entertained during this time.

here's a law and order plot synopsis, just so you have something else to consider besides sickly me.
Law & Order "Collision" A mentally disturbed suspect refuses to take his antidepressant medicine, rendering him incapable of standing trial for murder. CC Stereo

another sick day...

three law and order reruns and counting...

hoping to leave the house soon.

convert or die! (to be read aloud in the "skate or die!" voice from the game 720)

i continue to feel under the weather. the cold medicine makes me groggy. which means that i spend the day in my pajamas watching loads of law and order reruns. which isn't too different than when i'm not sick, i just change out of my pajamas on those days.

i try not to get too worked up over things - you know, my fragile constitution and all. but then i read about this and i think my head might explode. Click here to read the whole article, if you dare. here's a the intro, just to whet your curiousity...

"Liberal and progressive Christian groups say a new computer game in which players must either convert or kill non-Christians is the wrong gift to give this holiday season and that Wal-Mart, a major video game retailer, should yank it off its shelves."

just to make it clear: i am upset that a game like this even exists, and i agree the game should not be sold at wal-mart or anywhere else.

unfortunate side effects

bought some throat drops on the way to the airport the other day. i'd popped a few when i saw this. kind of put me off using more of them. sticking to tea and honey.

snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity

I'd have posted sooner, for all my vancouver demographic, but it appears that a week of extroversion has given me a sore throat and the beginnings of a cold. thus i have slept for 11-12 hour stretches of time for the last two nights. i think it's working.

two occurrences of note on my way back to southern climes:
1) at the seattle airport, the security lady at the metal detectors seemed VERY skeptical of whether or not i was actually the same person as in my passport photograph. seeing as the picture is about 9 years old, i guess i could see her point. all i could say was, "i have more hair now." and she added, "yes, and you are wearing spectacles but you aren't in the picture." (who says spectacles now? people who wear bifocals?) this exchange followed by an awkward silence as she continued to look at me and then look down at my passport. there wasn't really anything else i could say, so i just stood there and tried to look non-terrorist like.

has anyone seen the movie "the jackal"? it's a really awful movie with richard gere and bruce willis as the assassin "the jackal." basically he wears a variety of really bad hairpieces and fake facial hair because he is a "master of disguise." is that what this woman was wondering about me? i mean, i know i don't have a particularly nice passport photo, but come on.

2) while i waited at the curb for my brothers to pick me up, i saw this guy, who i consider to be the ugliest man in baseball. he's scary! add to that, he is enormous. i cowered by my suitcase.








as for my sojourn in vancouver and seattle, it did my heart much good to see many loved faces, have many good conversations and be in familiar surroundings. i haven't laughed that hard in a while. the only hard thing is that it wasn't enough time. it's never enough. sigh. i long for the day that there are no more goodbyes.

reverse deja vu

the act of beginning to tell someone a story in person and then discovering that they had already read it on your blog.

also: exhausted. but also exceedingly happy.

extrovert for a day.

to narnia and the north

killing time in the smallest coffee shop in west seattle, if not the world. waiting for my friends to get home from work.
i'm so tired. i was up late packing and then i was so excited about my trip i couldn't sleep. meanwhile, my brother played video games into the wee hours of the morning. we're a bunch of insomniacs. working on about 4 hours of sleep. i wonder if anyone will notice if i doze off in this chair. considering that the other 3 patrons are within 6 feet of me, i'd say yes.
despite the tiredness, i'm so excited to be here. friends galore!
the grey clouds of seattle don't dampen my spirit. in fact i find this weather comforting, cozy like a old comforter. this is the fall season i know, not the unremitting sunshine of the bay area. now, note that i say i don't like that because i most definitely enjoy the brightness. it's just different.

happy advent

i went to church tonight for the first time in a while. i'd been stuck working the sunday night shift, so quitting solved that problem quite nicely (though i continue to work for them on a very part-time basis). it was wonderful to be there. i look forward to getting more settled and connected.

after the weekly community dinner, we celebrated the beginning of advent with the annual "hanging of the greens," a night of christmas choral music. choirs of all ages performed, and also led the congregation in caroling. it was so so so much fun, the perfect way to begin the advent season. the 12-part audience/choir participatory rendition of the 12 days of christmas is awesome.

oh, and God? if you ever read my blog, i really really hope there are kids choirs all over the place in heaven because they are one of my most favorite hilarious things to watch on this earth. plus small children dancing around in the aisles, jumping and spinning until they are dizzy and almost falling over is endlessly entertaining.
the approximate composition of your average children's choir, ages 5-8:
the one kid with a tie, whose shirt defies the physical laws of being tucked in
one or two smart alec kids that are either waving their arms in the air or singing in funny voices
3-4 that aren't paying attention
2-3 that are shell shocked from being in front of so many people
1-3 kids that are hamming it up waving at their parents
4 kids that are totally focused on the teacher and singing their hearts out
pretty much one of my favorite occurrences at church

at the reception afterward, i engaged small children in awkward conversation when i complimented them on their singing. basically i ask them questions that progressively get more outlandish and preposterous until they either smile or run away. it's as funny as you would guess it to be. and if you don't think it's funny then why are you friends with me?

on another note, i am heading north tomorrow. seattle and vancouver, here i come. woohoo!

usa, a-okay

I watched miracle last night. it's about the 1980 "miracle on ice" when the us hockey team beat ussr in the olympics. it's your run-of-the-mill sports flick. formula: authoritarian coach, plucky little team with a lot of heart, intimidating rivals. but i like sports, so that's okay. half the time i think sports are another anesthetic or distraction from reality, like the roman circus of old. and the other half of the time, i love how sports can bring people together and how much fun it is to play and watch. depends on the context of it, as is true of everything else in life.

as for the movie and event it documents, i was surprised at how much this hockey game meant in terms of the world politics and the morale of america at the time. it was the us vs. the menacing soviet union, and the game came to symbolize the confrontation between these two power. better than actual nuclear warfare i guess. what if the us had lost? i wonder if things would have unfolded differently. sometimes a game is just a game and sometime it isn't. who's to know?

anyway, it made me think of other cold war era, bordering on american propaganda movies that i like. which i will now discuss, but will have little meaning for people not well versed in pop culture. in no particular order:
red dawn - america is invaded! this movie is every survivalist's fantasy. and who should fend off the enemy in guerrilla warfare but the 80s brat pack stars as high school students? there's something for everyone in red dawn. this movie once held the distinction in the guinness book of world records as most violent movie, with an act of violence occurring on an average of every 2.33 seconds. go wolverines!



Rocky 4 - dude. this might be the top cold war movie ever though. rocky's got his american flag boxing trunks, and ivan drago is so evil, he has a black mouthguard. and rocky's post fight speech singlehandedly inspired mikhail gorbachev to enact the practice of glasnost and perestroika programs that brought an end to communism. seriously.

other memorable films:
top gun (duh)
russkies
spies like us
hunt for red october
war games

time after time

this song popped up on my ipod today. it made me immediately remember this movie. and then i tried not to burst out laughing while i was riding the BART train. though i did smile crazily to myself. it's one of the silliest awesome dances ever. it would be awesome to break out at a wedding reception.

repetitive motions

i spent an hour today tying knots on plastic bags. the bags contained food for to be distributed to kids in the oakland and berkeley schools. the food is not for a lunch program, but intended to sustain them through the weekends. interesting, somthing i had not considered before. i figured that this opportunity to volunteer might be a better way to meet people rather than in awkward small group settings (which have been documented on this blog). plus, i want to volunteer, as a good use for all this time that i have.

i was glad to volunteer and felt like i was able to help, not like in other previous volunteer experiences where there are too many hands and i ended up feeling useless and frustrated. we bagged 800 bags of food. so the part of meeting people didn't happen so much, as we (about 20-30 people) were plugged into an assembly line, complete with rolling conveyor belt to pass the bags down the line. in fact, the air of urgency with which everyone worked kind of threw me for a loop. i was late though, so i'm not sure if they did any introduction type thing or if everyone already knew each other. mostly i wondered if this need to go superfast was an American thing. i got a ride back to the BART with the guy from my church who heads up this organization and he seemed pretty cool and i learned more about what they're doing.

transamerica

i watched this movie last week. borrowing dvds from the library is one of the best things ever.

the quick plot synopsis: Stanley is a perfectly adjusted, conservative trans-sexual who’s about to take the final step to becoming Bree, the woman he always wanted to be - until he finds out that he is the parent of a 17 year old son. Afraid to tell the rebellious teen-ager the truth, he embarks on a journey with him that will challenge and change both their lives.

i found it quite moving. felicity huffman certainly deserved her oscar nomination for this role. i thought she was amazing. she didn't simply act as herself, as a woman. she had to act as a man that was acting as a woman. i often forgot that she was a woman. i really did see her as bree. the movie is not so much about the issue of being transgender, but about human relationships and how people grow and change.

wheels, baby

there's a freighter somewhere between here and japan with my car on it. a honda fit, the sport model. blue, just like in the picture. it's a cool little car. in the meantime i pound the pavement and mooch rides from my mom.

where did the year go?

i don't understand how it's now almost december. time passes strangely...

my goal (besides the immediate and ever present goal of finding a job) is to survive the holidays. that's my slogan for the next month. so, one down and one to go. i've already caught up on my sleep lost from thanksgiving. i did get to see my cousin beat streetfighter 2 in 45 minutes. he beat the first 9 guys in about 15 minutes and then the last two gave him some trouble. i think my family is in timewarp back to 1993. only now after the games are done, we go out to bars. so not my cup of tea at all. wondering, as ever, how to connect with my family.

oh right

yeah, it's thanksgiving tomorrow. i still don't feel back in the swing of american holidays. driving to LA tomorrow for the celebration. typical family gathering. which, if i've told you anything about my family, you will know it is complete chaos. i bought ear plugs. somehow i never thought to do that ever before. thank goodness for little bits of foam to stick in your ears so you can get some rest.

personal grooming

i got a haircut today. i haven't gotten it cut since june, my hair was a bit out of control. walked down to the salon where my mom goes. i've known this hairdresser since i was in junior high, beginning with an mom-enforced and ill-advised perm for my 8th grade graduation. no, i do not want to talk about it.

anyway, we chatted as usual, catching up on her grandkids and where i've been. she's a church-going lady. we've talked about many religious-type things in the past. she lit up when i told her i had a masters in christian studies and said she wanted to pick my brain about the end times and the book of revelation. and about the middle east stuff. and the da vinci code. and what i thought about the ted haggard scandal. not all at once of course, our conversation meandered in these directions. we connected on some things, i think. and missed each other on other points. i really like her, and i spoke my mind more than i would to a more casual acquaintance. as usual, i am aware that my views may not really jive with, say, the majority middle class America. so it makes me cautious about what i say to people. i mostly just feel awkward. but even if i might know more about a subject than other people, i feel the responsiblity to present whatever knowledge that is with a gentle spirit, rather than hit them over the head with it, because HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT WAY? though the second option has been very tempting but of course, it could also be applied to my own views from someone else. it has been an interesting journey thus far.

today's cool moment

sitting outside during my work break.
sun shining through the milky clouds.
drinking some kick ass french roast coffee.
eating an awesome pumpkin muffin from the bakery across the way.
listening to stevie wonder's smooth voice in his definitive collection on my ipod.
reading "reading lolita in tehran."

a good convergence of different factors and taking the time to enjoy the moment.
there are worries to be sure, but small blessings also.

life's little instructions

today i was cleaning in the back room of the coffee shop (i finish up there this week). i saw that there were books sitting in one of the cubbyholes for our general use. being the book worm that i am, i check out the books more closely. the title on one of them: "so you want to be a lesbian?" whaaaaa? with a title like that, it was hard to remember what the other book was. i already knew that a few of the other employees are lesbians. i just didn't think any of them needed a how-to manual. hell, i'm straight and i wouldn't mind an instruction manual for my life.

an afternoon walk

walked down to the library on saturday. it was warm enough that i actually broke a sweat (this probably angers my seattle/vancouver readership. oh well). i remembered to bring my camera along and nurture my amateur photography skills. it took me twice as long to get to my destination. but it was good for my soul to look more closely at my surroundings.

Pied Beauty

GLORY be to God for dappled things—
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.
- Gerald Manley Hopkins

taking a new tack

From Wikipedia: A tack or coming about is the maneuvre by which a sailing boat or yacht turns its bow through the wind so that the wind changes from one side to the other.

after considering the circumstances of the last few days, i quit the coffee shop job today. with my old beater car, i figured i could just get a job to pass the time during the job search. post car-death, i realized that i need to get some real cash flow going. so, now i sell low grade plutonium for nuclear weaponry (and time machines). JUST KIDDING, DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, WHO IS CONSTANTLY SCANNING THE INTERNET FOR KEY WORDS!! i'll temp, or get some awful seasonal retail job that will make me want to punch shoppers in the head. actually, i would want to do that to people who are buying coffee too, so maybe i have anger issues. having something concrete to work for (the car and upkeep of said car) is more immediate as a goal, not so much my search for vocation. so i hang up the apron again. oh well.

actually today, i found a posting for this volunteer organization run through the jesuits. it seems pretty cool, area director for a year-long volunteer/spiritual formation program for recent college grads. so i sent a email for more details. we'll see. i'd describe more specifically, but i don't really feel like showing up on any google searches.

sweet relief

my class is done and done. thank goodness.

i've learned some stuff that i will probably be glad to know at a later point. i saw myself improve as an editor over the duration of the class. but when i sat and listened to the teacher describe the need to draw an arrow for editing purposes, i thought to myself, "i can't believe i paid to hear someone talk about drawing an arrow." really, any amount is too much.

frustration

things? not that great. could be better.

started at the coffee shop last week. it's all right. they make good stuff. i'm new and awkward and learning.

applied to work at my church. after a follow-up phone call to them with no response, and then going to church and noting that the job posting was no longer in the bulletin, i called again yesterday and got a message today that they had already hired someone. right about the time that i turned the application in. it seems to me simple and courteous enough to make one phone call and let me know what the situation was. or an email. i'm just pissed off and disappointed right now. and unsure of what to do next.

oh, and there is no available car right now (one of our cars died, hence the previous post) so i feel like i'm 15 again and stuck at home. my brother and i have to get our mom to drive us to the BART station (that's subway around here), since we have to share.

and wondering if this coffee shop is worth it since the other job fell through and it's kind of a pain to get out to the store since, as i said, i have no car.

aaaannnnnnndd, i have a final tonight in my copyediting class. the only upside here is that my class is OVER. i would study more, but i don't care.

when it rains, it pours.

horns of a dilemma

today my parents suggested buying me a new car. they'd pay the down payment and then i'd take over once i got a job. they said it would build up my credit rating.

i should be glad for this generous offer. they have been more than generous thus far, as i am living here rent free and eating the food. is this one of those cases where i should just accept this offer, so we have a point of connection? we have precious few of those in the first place.

my initial reaction was negative. i'd like to live simply. a car seems like a big headache to me and i hate driving. yet it is a necessary evil where i am living right now to get to any place i'd like to be. and this whole credit rating thing - i could really not give a damn about that stuff. i wonder if that will come back to get me. so i am quite frustrated and wondering when my life will take more of a definite shape. it remains fluid and vague. i lack motivation, inspiration and anything else that ends in -tion.

my youngest brother is home for the weekend. it's nice to have him here. especially if it means that we listen to a cd of hall and oates' greatest hits (such as "maneater" and "private eyes") in the car on the way to his favorite taqueria. you can bet that i copied those songs into my itunes once we got back home.

let's go crazy, broadway style!!

those in vancouver: please clear your couches/futons/social calendars for yours truly between december 5th - 9th. it's just a month away! woo! i'd like something crazy like this to happen:

please prepare accordingly.

happy birthday wishes

today is lara's birthday. if we still lived in vancouver (and conveniently the same house), i would take you to burgoo or savary island pie company for a birthday meal, and have a treat from st. moritz patisserie (my mouth is watering as i type this). and i would babysit sienna so you and jeff could have a date night. and then the next day maybe play chickenfoot with dane and jane. we could wear funny hats, like so.

when she's not being a fabulous mom to the cutest baby ever, lara also models at lighthouse park, like so. she throws some mean pottery, pours a cool rosetta leaf, and is a good friend. her kryptonite is chocolate, but that is the case for many of us. hope the 27th year is a good one for you and your family!

hiatus

the computer was in the shop. had a ding in the casing that kept me from shutting it easily (perhaps because of me being careless, not really sure how i did it though). this time around, apple supplied me with some new casing and trackpad. gratis. really, why would you not own an apple?

conference over

the conference was quite amazing. my heart is full and also broken in new ways. still processing. will post more in-depth thoughts soon.

progress (say it the canadian way! pro-gress)

well, i just got hired as a barista at a cool little coffee shop in the berkeley/oakland area. also investigating about another part-time job at my church. and thus ends some of my free time. but it'll be good to be a contributing member of society again, even if i don't get to sleep in anymore. and eventually, i hope to live in over there, that'll take some saving. but i think it's good temporary situation until, you know, I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. or something like that.

i'm off to berkeley again this evening. the church is putting on this jesus and evangelical conference. i am quite excited about it. speakers from egypt, india, el salvador, and uganda (this particular speaker was at the screening last night and added a lot of insight to the film and updates on the situation there). what do voices of the chuch from the majority world have to say to the church in north america? i remember reading at regent about how this conversation needed to take place, and i am excited to see it actually happening.

and to be perfectly honest, it's nice to actually have something to do on the weekend.

invisible children

my church had a free screening of the movie "invisible children" tonight. powerful story, overwhelming images. i' m still working though my feelings and thoughts in reaction to the movie. as you may already know, i've got a huge soft spot in my heart for kids. and to see these kids in northern uganda wandering around as orphans, recovering from their abduction and being forced to fight as rebels and fending for themselves ... it greatly grieved my heart. and that these atrocities have been going on for so long while the rest of the world has remained largely ignorant and inactive further saddened me.

the other day my brother declared to me that he had very little faith in humanity; he believes that we're just going to keep on going right ahead and destroy the earth. i was surprised at how sure he sounded of this. i don't know. i just don't agree with him. i still have hope. even in the midst of all this suffering.

more thoughts tomorrow. see the movie if you have the chance.

go bears

last saturday, pre-head implosion, i went to my first college football game ever. at my alma mater, gwu, we just had an underachieving basketball team.

anyway, my bro, a cal alum, took me to see the cal bears play the uw huskies. to make things more interesting (and much cheaper), we hiked up tightwad hill. for a more complete history of the hill read this (it's a good read, even if you're not into sports). for those that bypass the link, tightwad hill overlooks memorial stadium (kind off like how people can sit on the roof and watch cubs games at wrigley field). not only do you get a great free view of the game, you also get an amazing panoramic view of the san francisco bay. it is scenery that i love deeply, right up there with the mountains north of vancouver. and we were able to see the cal marching band play their halftime tribute to tv theme songs and their formations. the best was the saved by the bell theme song and they formed a large bell. so unexpected and creative - that must be why they're at cal. nevertheless, the band is pretty cool, one year they did a weezer tribute for their halftime program.

remember, of course, that we are in berkeley. so there is this benevolent flair of anarchy and cheerful oddness that colors the whole scene on the hill (and most sporting events in general). there is no way to easily or gracefully ascend this very steep hill, as it is covered with slippery dead foliage and loose dirt eroded by past spectators. as people kicked back and drank their beer through the game, i wondered how they could possibly make it down the hill without injuring themselves.

we ended up next to a man armed with several coolerrs that had obviously been to many games, as he had staked out a great and stable spot on a ledge formed by the roots of two trees. he grinned with his crooked teeth for most of the game as he gulped down several cans of natty light ice then crushing the cans and throwing them past us down the hill when cal failed to perform to his standards (besides that though, the hill is surprisingly fairly clean - those hippies pick up after themselves). he kindly shared two cans of beer with my brother, who in turn shared them with me. mmmm... natty light. it has its own unique flavor that seems to complement football watching well.

twenty feet over, a pair of men paced and nervously smoked their joints, cursing the cal quarterback, the coach, and the entire cal football program nonstop throughout the whole game. i have never seen such an angry stoned person before. if that's what he was like when he was high, then i'd hate to see him when he wasn't high. our natty light friend clumsily sauntered over at one point to talk to them and when he came back pulled out some cigarette paper, but not before sharing with us again - passing my brother a pinch of tiny green bud and leaves. eric quickly stuffed them into his pocket. generosity occurs in unexpected ways and places.

cal went on to win in in thrilling style with an overtime victory, 31-24. it was hard not to get too excited and jump up and down, with the risk of sliding down the hill and all. i just may be a convert to college football fandom.

wtfwjd?

this made me laugh and laugh. apparently, they're modeled after these nbc "the more you know" ads, but i don't remember them. for more ads, go to thechurchyouknow.com. they're pretty funny.

long distance fun

i talked to this kid on the phone today. the conversation was witty, incisive and thought-provoking.

restless

as i consider my time of inactivity, i am surprised at how hard it is for me to practice sabbath. well, it's never been quite easy for me to do so. the pressure to be productive and all. even when sitting still or alone, there are loads of ways to keep the mind and spirit from resting. believe me, i am quite good at this - the not-really-resting thing.

yet that is the rhythm that God sets for us - it is not only good but necessary to rest one day out of seven. i wonder then, how we came to our own rhythm of the 5-day work week. i guess before we complain, we ought to remember that 6 days of work used to be the norm. 2 days of rest? well that seems extravagant, and yet we are more harried than ever. i suppose it is because we are such a pleasure-seeking society that we work so hard at filling our time off with activities.

i decided that i would not check my email on sundays. i spend way too much time on my computer doing nothing in particular in the first place, so i thought this would be a good place to start. it was hard. i had to unplug my computer and put it on the other side of the house. i was out for most of the day anyway (doing a walkathon despite my monstrous headache, yeah, real smart i know) and it was still hard. i wouldn't have been able to do it if i had been home. sometime i'd like to do sabbath the way orthodox jews do - no travelling, no appliances, no anything. such a marked departure from day to day life that reminds us of the presence of God.

r-e-l-i-e-f

i just finished meeting with my spiritual director. not coincidentally, my headache has lifted. (cue choirs of angels)

time to not live in my head so much and make myself crazy. time to get a job, even if it is pouring coffee for yuppies. sometimes they even tip well. the unemployment ennui needs to be abated. i will also buy a truckload of excedrin headache medicine in the event this happens again, and continue meeting with my spiritual director.

of course i have to go to my editing class in an hour, so the headache could return. i'm supposed to get my midterm back. headache is probable.

i have stories to tell though, funny ones, and it is annoying me that i have not blogged them. soon, faithful blog readers, soon.

the headache, it has returned. i think this hoohah might be solved by drinking a cup of joe. i stubbornly refuse. i guess i've never gotten myself addicted to anything because i just hate being controlled by/dependent on something else.

more when i can handle thinking again.

my brain hurts

i've just come out of a 2-day long headache. some kind of combination of lack of caffeine, dehydration and any number of other factors all came together to put my skull in a vise, and then kick my brain with steel-toed boots. awful. holla if you hear me.

something kinda different

i felt bad publishing my mental angst. of course, that's what a blog is for. so i googled theology to see if anything funny came up and i found this.

sundries

it's indian summer in the bay area. meaning, it's 83 degrees today. join me in saying "what the hell?" there is no hint of crispness in the air, though the sun is setting earlier and the leaves are slowly turning. i haven't been here in a while, so i can't remember if this is normal or not. my friend said her azaleas are blooming because they think it's spring. sometimes i enjoy it and sometimes i wouldn't mind a little brisk autumn rain, a la vancouver.

in an effort to keep too many of my brain cells from dying, i continue to patronize the library resources. here's a few things i've seen or been thinking about lately.

rented this movie. it's an old akira kurosawa movie. he's a classic japanese filmmaker, and a few of his films were made into american westerns. i don't know if this is a particularly popular one; i just kept running across references to it and finally decided to find out why. there are all sorts of cinematic elements to this movie that would appeal to film geeks, but unless you're into that kind of thing, i don't think you'd really be into this movie. but it has a lot to say about how people perceive things and tell story. a man is killed; there are 3 different witness accounts of what happened. which one is true? no one can be fully objective. (for those that watch veronica mars, the first season episode where she is trying to find out what happened to her when she got roofied at the party and possibly raped - that story structure was a play on this movie) i often feel that tension when i write. i view an event one way because of who i am; another person can have a totally different perception of the same event because of who she is. is one of more right or true than the other?

i must really be into subtitled films because motorcycle diaries is the third movie i've talked about here and they're all subtitled. this one's about the early formative experiences of che guevara as he travelled around south america. the film is quite poignant, and the film appeals to the socialist in all of us in the desire to help the poor in society. of course, i don't agree with che's ideas about the necessity of an armed revolution. afterward, i really did want to hit the open road like he did. (plus the guy playing che is rather dreamy. that always helps draw people to the revolutionary cause. viva!)

then i read a book of wendell berry's essays and it make me want to move out to a farm and settle in for 20 years or so. you know, be connected with the land and all that. i'm so easily inflluenced these days - there are much worse things to be influencing me i suppose. it was "What are People For?" good stuff. i'm glad to finally get a chance to read him. today i interviewed at a coffee shop and listening to this woman talk so passionately about the craft of roasting coffee made me think of him.

i had coffee with the mssions pastor the other day. a petite barely 5' tall filipino/japanese dynamo of social justice. an incredibly refreshing conversation as we shared our stories and the winding path both of us has taken to end up at this point. she understood the uncertainty and culture shock post-school kind of feeling. hoping hang out with her more. plus she really tight with the pastor of the chuch that anne lamott goes to - apparently they went through seminary together. from the stories anne lamott wrote about her, she sounds really cool. i'm volunteering for this walk-for-AIDS event that the church is helping sponsor this weekend. i figure hanging out with her more often would be a good thing and perhaps more effective to connect with other people as we serve togther. it gives more context (and perhaps shared perspectives) for me and other people than the small groups i have been to.

some friends go to this informal gathering once a month. several small groups get togther, have dinner, and someone shares a lesson. in discussing relationships, the language of finances in reference to people gave me much to consider. "investing" in someone, "spending" time with them were the terms bandied about the most. the meatphors were acknowledged, but not much was made of it either way. there are all sorts of expectations built into these concepts that i thought so odd to apply to people. because we are not commodities. if you "invest" in someone, are you then expecting a "return" or "payback"? how does this work in the scheme of God's economy (if economy is a word that really applies)? because i'm pretty sure he doesn't operate this way. and yet this kind of thing is deeply ingrained in all of us. my life coach says i have this chance to act differently with my family, yet to not expect anything back, the important thing is that i changed. and i am surprised at how little that really appeals to me.

hm, least lighthearted, most rambling post ever. i feel all jittery. this coffee i just bought had better be decaf or there is really going to be hell to pay.

abused by caffeine

after my midterm last night, i felt like treating myself. on the way home from berkeley, my bro and it hit up nation's, a local hamburger chain. (see that last phrase? it's called an appositive - a phrase that further describes a noun thus requiring a comma - at least i think that's what it is. grammar is kicking my ass, sticking my head in a toilet and giving me a swirly) i had some good pumpkin creme pie and some decaf coffee. a tasty combo. i couldn't fall asleep until 4 am. yeah, i'm pretty sure that coffee was not decaf. i know i have insomnia sometimes but that's just ridiculous. curse inattentive restaurant employees. at least my thoughts during the long caffeinated night of the soul gave me some time to think about stuff, which will be posted forthwith. check the blog obsessively.

secret authority?

i finally talked to someone in my class the other night (i'm shy and when i'm cranky -as i often am in that class - i don't feel much like talking, anyway). i got there a few minutes before class started to look over the style manual before the midterm; one woman was already in there. we ruefully admitted to each other the humble pie we'd been forced to eat because of the class. she asked me what i did. i gave her the quick schpiel, theology and art, yadda yadda yadda. to my surprise, she nodded in recognition and said that she also studied theology, in fact, she had studied to be a roman catholic priest for a while.

now you're wondering, isn't it only men that can be catholic priests? that's what i wondered too. at that point some other woman had arrived and they carried on the conversation. turns out she's part of some group that is working towards the ordination of women as priests in the catholic church. apparently she just got elected president or this group. and some women actually have been ordained. only it's all in secret because any person involved gets excommunicated. i don't really understand how they serve then, if this is all done in secret. she mentioned that she went to a home church, so in that setting it would be allowed. today i found a story NPR did about this movement. it's a pretty hot topic.

and i thought some of my friends had encountered resistance in their own denominations as they pursued a vocation of ministry. the woman breezily (with an steely undertone in her voice) described their goal to "just change one word in the canon." from "any baptized male can become a priest" to "any baptized person can become a priest." yeah, good luck with getting the church to changing the CANON. dang. and apparently her subcommittee was named the "ministry of irritation" (the monty python sketch jokes immediately leap to mind) that actively was speaking out to demand church reform.

don't really know what i think of all this. there's this big wide world out there.

probably not covered in supervised ministry class

for those that are considering being or are already pastors: at church last sunday, the associate pastor had to baptize a hawaiian baby girl with a 9-syllable last name (and because it's a hawaiian name there were lots of dashes, vowels and apostrophes in it) either he's got nerves of steel, or he must have practiced saying her name a a lot before the big day.

because all hearts must melt before the cuteness

click here for more shots in which you cannot resist her power

dammit

mental note: next year in playoffs, don't forget how to hit. oh well. see you guys in april.

Banker to the Poor

Check out this article on the latest winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. He links the world peace with the reduction of poverty. interesting stuff. and he looks super stoked.

i'm trying to keep up on the news and read more, seeing as how i have the time to do so. i'm wondering if all the rest and free time i have right now is the time to make up for the last year of school, where i lived on red alert for 8 months. that just ocurred to me today. basically i didn't really practice the sabbath during that time. i feel like i just managed to finish before the wheels came off my wagon completely.

it also just occurred to me that i have yet to hold a typical 9-5 office job. i worked at the washington post, and that was a 6pm-2 am gig (awful, but it did have some perks). then i was a teacher which was a part-time schedule (you try filling a two hour block of time with 20 sixth graders twice a week"hey it's time for another video!"). worked at summer camp which is all sorts of fun and chaos. after that came being in youth ministry and that has a unique schedule all it's own (though i did have my own cubicle aread that i actually enjoyed). and then came three blurry mind/heart/life-altering years of grad school. this could have happened subliminally, after the editor at my magazine internship in college warned me against getting jobs that required me to wear panty hose (best thing that i learned there. best thing that i taught there? teaching another editor the difference between tupac shakur and notorious b.i.g. and showing her how to flash the west side sign).

and now... well, now i have this desire to work on the behalf of those on the margins, be a good steward of creation, and be more thoughtful about my faith. and i haven't the foggiest idea of how that will come about. and i can see all these different avenues to take, hear all these different cries for help in different forms, and i sit here under my parents' grape vine arbor like jonah under his shrub, stewing (i know that his stewing is totally different from my stewing, i just like that i'm sitting under this grapevine, plus i'm reading wendell berry when i'm not blogging so it's not all that bad).

jpod

i heart douglas coupland. just finished this book. it's a good 'un. he takes things we take for granted in our culture, blows them up to super caricature cartoon level and in doing so, gives us a glimpse of the truth. it's a fun ride.

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately. too much to put on a blog because it becomes this place of mental vomit that doesn't necessarily make sense. but i have had several good conversations to help me untangle the many threads of thought.

the reacclimatization process continues. it comes to my attention at odd moments and in odd ways. like i said pop instead of soda once. or i wonder why the team leading the music during a church service put all the women singers way in the back of the stage. or why does todd agnew get the credit for writing a "new" song, "grace like rain" when it really is just "amazing grace" and he wrote a new 3-line chorus for it (this one REALLY tees me off, even though i have enjoyed other contemporary arrangements of old hymns).

or how very jarring it is to me when it is asked what the take-away lesson is from a passage of scripture; or the immediate measuring of oneself against scripture. this one i've been thinking about for a while. yes, one is to learn how to live from scripture. but to reduce one passage to one meaning? it seems to me that it chokes the Living Word; and it is turned into a public service announcement. it's like looking at an impressionist painting up too close, all you see is a bunch of paint blots; but back up to take in the whole picture and you see something of beauty. the bible paints this huge and vibrant picture of God and of creation and of relationship. i am wary of condensing this into one sentence summaries (tempting as it is). it's a subtle switch that eugene peterson describes, "No longer was I reading and asking 'What does this mean? How can I use this?" I was asking, 'How can I obey this? How can I get in on this?'" (Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, p. 64) these thoughs are definitely in progress.

and i spend more time mulling this over than studying for my editing class. but it's like reading instruction manuals. i red and after about 15 minutes, it is much too painful to continue. i hate this class. it's like one of the games in highlights magazine, you know that you read when you were a kid? spot the 6 things that are different in the two pictures. and i can't do it. that's what it feels like. so, you know, i have to come up with some other plans about what to do to earn money. somewhat demoralizing, yet enlightening at the same time. am looking into clown college. or truck driving school. or beautician school. let's conduct a poll: which one of these options would you like to see me pursue? or something else i haven't thought of yet?